Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Ahh @Gingerloaf me again. I’m so glad you have people IRL and people on here. Even when everyone has your back, it can feel bloody lonely. You though @Gingerloaf have so bloody got this.

Keep talking to us.

So he’s breaking up with her and coming home?! What’s going through his head. Utter twat

So what really wants more from you ? He will be getting 50% of what you actually earned over your lifetime - what kind of evil he wants to inflict on you, having in mind the evil already is a lot?!!!

I havent read the previous posts? is he in love with the marital home and thought you would be there forever keeping you and the bricks and mortar just in case he wants to come back like nothing happened? OMG - this man is utter shock

Anyone giving you advice to find evidence of shitty behaviour is wasting your time.

just don’t inadvertently provide evidence of your own new shitty behaviour so he can get you interim chucked out of your own home during a divorce. Put cameras in if need be.

Courts do not care about who shagged who, stuck things where, spent whatever. They just want you divorced based on the rules.

That means 50:50 split on assets.
You are retired now so it’ll create some complications with pensions

Try and be zen as you can, focused, and treat your dealings with him like a business transaction.

Minimise chatting about his shitty behaviour with your lawyer unless you need the ex chucked out; you’re only paying for a very expensive counsellor otherwise. Otherwise you need to go through a court mandated process for divorce and get on with Form Es.

Being cold, ruthlessly calm and focused - plus enjoying bettering yourself and creating new plans - will be the best revenge too as you don’t fit into the narrative of the crazy abusive ex he is trying to spread around. Being future focused and unbitter is what will get you through

@Gingerloaf

I think his legal return is sooner rather than later

Are you using the term 'legal return' because you think he's coming back under solicitor's advice so as to 'stake his claim' or just that she's kicking him out and he has the 'legal right' to return?

I know there are 'spoof' thingys out there that allow someone to have a different phone number show up on caller ID. Are you sure it's a burner or could he be using 'spoof' software? If there's not a legal route to stop him calling (non-mol?) then I think changing your number is the only thing to do. In the meantime, block the number. See if calls show up under a different number, that would indicate 'spoofing'. And talk to your solicitor. What he's doing is harassment.

I agree 100% with getting everything out of the house that you want to hang on to. Even if it's stuff that has to go in the 'divvy up' pile, at least you'll know it won't walk away in the meantime. And if you seriously think he's going to walk back in, put a lock on your bedroom door. A 'bug out bag' is a great idea, and if you can pack and store it at a friend's, that's even better. That way you can walk out with nothing but your keys in your hand. This is a pretty good list, obvs tailor it to your situation:

https://dvassist.org.au/im-experiencing-domestic-violence/planning-your-safety-in-the-country/escape-bag-checklist/

Above all else, if he does come back, don't be afraid to call the police at the first sign of threat or anger.

As always good advice and I don’t t want to say too much - but all the things you have suggested are in place or will be in place soon

Having kids if a certain age they were able to ascertain what was used to make the call

Really folks I can’t say too much - and yes I lose out financially- it’s so very wrong but I have options and I am thinking of the future more and more

Something is very wrong though with the divorce laws in this country - allowing shitty behaviour by one person to impact on the MH of the ‘innocent party’ is I think a sad reflection of our society
BUT - I have my health, my DC, my wider family and a load of friends who are standing by me.
I am sad to see my dreams and hard work go up in smoke for the sake of his dick - but everyone knows this is the case and the response has been amazing and supportive

Hay op do you think he has been advised to move back in, until financial situation sorted out, I was advised too ' not to leave the home' but I did, my mh was more important to me, just thinking ow will be fulming, if that's the case, your right plan to have a overnight bag left in car, spend any and every time out of the house, if he does turn up explain your both now living like students, he does own cooking shopping, washing, share house bills , put him in spare room, why should you move, your anger will get you through this keep angry honestly will be your saving grace, that's if you don't kill him before 🤔
Wonder woman, he won't know what's hit him, no fool like an old fool as they say , keep strong op,

Money lost is upsetting. Dignity lost is everything. He’s lost his dignity, reputation, friends and his children (and you). He’s lost everything that really matters. He is a nothing.

Above all else, if he does come back, don't be afraid to call the police at the first sign of threat or anger.

I agree with @AcrossthePond55 , no matter how much you think you know someone or that they wouldn't do anything to physically harm you, do not dismiss the possibility that he will. He's like a dying fly just now - fucking desperate - there's no knowing what 'good idea' he'll come up with next.

I totally agree about the divorce laws @Gingerloaf , it may be simpler and whatnot but it's fucking unfair to those of us who did no wrong and had to pay for the privilege of being abused and cheated on.

OP I lost my home, my job and my money.

He didn't get the children though.

I eventually got another house, another job, and (after three years) another husband. The children remained with me, and they are now all grown up, and never see him.

My ex is a sad and lonely, embittered old sod, who lives on his own, miserable and almost like a hermit now. He's become a hoarder.

I did the best out of it. I got the children, and that's all that matters.

My ex tried to take me to court, too, but they laughed him out of it. I was allegedly abusive. I wasn't, of course.

And the bloke he left me for (that's right) died after two years, and he had a nasty series of online gay porn "relationships" afterwards.

For all I know, he still does.

I just do not recognise the wonderful man I feel in love with, who fathered my children.

Where did he go? He showed his true colours in the end.

He may be legally entitled to live there, but I very much doubt that the Budgie is… I imagine he’s going to have to start contributing to bills as well now…

My WA support worker said that not only was my ex entitled to live in what was still the marital home but he was entitled to bring ... well she was more of a monkfish than a budgie frankly ... too but to change the locks anyway, which I did. He wasn't happy but he made his choices. He wasn't happy when I told him that either. He wasn't happy to see my confidence increasing as his power waned.

Anyway, talking of budgie's bills, at least there'll not be any dental work to pay for 🐥. You can take that either way 😑

@Gingerloaf if you’re unhappy with his level of contact via phone say very clearly to him, words of one syllable, I do not want you to contact me by phone, WhatsApp etc - I find it intimidating and it is unwelcome . then if (when) he does you can go to police in respect of the harassment. They can issue a harassment warning which warns him off. But difficult for them to act unless you’ve explicitly said it’s unwelcome and you want him to stop.

Good luck.

It is such a shame that we no longer divorce on the grounds of adultery, and get to name the ow in the paperwork.

Your doing grand ginger.

Just want to point out the divorce will split all your stuff up, but it doesn't have to be exactly 50/50 of each thing.
You could if it works better for you, take less house and keep more pension or take more house and give more pension. And if theres any savings, that will be brought in but again, you can split it differently.

I'm not saying he wont get 50% , of course he will. But it doesnt have to be a completely even split. I know it's so hard, but see what he wants first, he may want a split that works better for you.

Money is one thing. That hurts. But when the shine comes off the new woman (and it sounds like some things might be coming home to roost for him), you have what matters most - the DC, the people, their respect. People will never view him the same way again.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon - we should be able to name the OW I agree

Please be assured folks all your suggestions are in place - and re the phone he was explicitly told it was shut down ( hence the use of a new burner phone - which has stopped now)

He knows he has cocked up
He is having a reality check
He can come back legally - when it goes bang at the love nest - because it’s a joint asset.

I really was having time off 😂😂

@Goldcushions2 - a fabulous post

You have summed up the situation beautifully and yes - humiliated men are unpredictable
I think I am thinking of that the most - I am very wary of him now

OP - it must really compound hurt feelings when someone who hurt you so badly through betrayal and disrespect decides to get agressive and manipulative on top of it all.

Horrible. I hope you are getting kindness and gentleness.

Hi @Gingerloaf I've just been reading through all your posts and I want to send you love and strength. You sound wonderful and your husband sounds like he didn't deserve you. He will be in torment trying to repress the knowledge that he has ruined his own life out of pride, lust, and stupidity. It's so shocking how people you thought you knew can change or reveal completely unexpected sides of themselves. I'm glad you know it's not your fault or responsibility. You have so much happiness coming your way. Stay strong.

I have no helpful advice, but just want to say: fuck him and the Budgie he rode in on.

Same.