Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Love, strength and all honour to you, Gingerloaf. You are magnificent and nothing he says can take that away from you. Wishing you well for the next few days. Will be thinking of you and hoping for better times ahead. x

Good luck @Gingerloaf .

Oh God, MrsC.
I hope he dies a long slow painful death

On a side note, budgies can be lovely little pets and not just kept by the older generation. I started with budgies and moved up to larger parrots who free range in my house. Wishing you well OP.

Just popping in to post something I saw on instagram. Pretty much sums it all up in a nutshell.

So just as you all predicted - he has ramped up
police and solicitors said block phone etc only email
so he got a burner phone - and is taunting me that he knows I am away
DS wants me to change my number - and he is probably right as anything could happen to my number now - but what a faff all the contacts to deal with

Considering he is the one who had the affair and his behaviour is now borderline harassment- the law is an ass in these cases
I bet if I did anything I would be arrested

I am determined not to crumble but as many of you have predicted the shitshow goes on
I don’t recognise him - he’s like a caged animal that is lashing out because he cannot face what he has done

I am genuinely having time off ( except for the effing burner phone message - which is creepy and lets me know he knows)
friends and kids are seeing this and I cannot imagine a time anyone thinks we are going g to be in the same room together
He must be hell to live with at the moment- or as many of you say she is cheering him on

Who the hell knows

Thank you for your continued support - if I ever write a book some of the advice on here will be replicated - I had no idea how crazy it got before this happened to me

Love to you all x

@Gingerloaf

So sorry to hear XH is still being awful to you, like he hasn't done enough already! You're not reacting like he imagined and that in and of itself is a crime to some people.

Is he threatening you or your property in any way?

If you want to be a dickhead back you could always sign him and ow up for every class, religious cult and spam emailers going as well as any cash on delivery orders you can find, that'll keep him busy for a while and he need not know it was you

I wouldn't just get a new number, if you can afford it get a new phone as well. That way you can probably get the phone shop to transfer the contacts over for you, and you just need to inform your family and your close friends of the new number. Then stick the old phone in a drawer on silent, and just check messages as and when you feel up to it. That also has the advantage that he can't use "find my phone" or similar to track where you are.

Imagine being her and having to live with him knowing how utterly obsessed with you he really is??? She must know that their “romance of th century” is rapidly derailing and that she can’t compete with the lifetime of history that you built with him (and the friends and family that have collectively turned their backs in disgust.)

So true about the memory thing! I have often said I should record all conversations with exdh as he obviously makes up whole exchanges beginning with his.

@Gingerloaf , You have to write at book, and call it @Gingerloaf , stay strong 💪, chin up wellies on for the shit show, what a divvy hay,
Yes you can transfer all over to new number without his number of course,

We all do - what he put you through was absolutely terrible and you had and still do have a lot of support on MN.

In relation to changing your number - what I would do is keep the same number for all of his communications and get another number and start using that for every contact except him, or tell him that you've lost your phone and this is the new number and it's the only one that he will get you on then block him on the existing number and only deal with his antics on the new number which you could put in a drawer and only check once a day (at most).

He'd probably get really frustrated if you cancelled your existing number (which you can do in good time when you're actually separated and divorced) so in order to keep things as calm (for you) as possible, I'd try one of the two options I mentioned above.

You're doing so bloody well I'm cheering you on from afar.

Cheering you on OP. You are strong 💪 You will have some dark dark times ahead but you will get through it and you will be far better off without this utter reprehensible twat in your life. You have an army of MNs cheering you on and sending him anger and hate through the ether.

@Gingerloaf I'm sorry he's putting you through this, as if what he had done already wasn't bad enough, the prick.

Please keep copies at least of all of his communications, hopefully they'll never be necessary.

I agree with the suggestion of getting a new phone to use for everyone except him. Your existing phone can be switched off most of the time and only checked once a week. You could call it ‘the bellend phone’ or similar. He’s ramping up his behaviour because he’s realised that you are no longer plan b if things don’t work out with his new budgie minge.

I cannot believe it when I read things like this.

That a supposedly "normal family man" with children and a decades long relationship suddenly derails like this.

The affair, yes, it happens.

Op's calm acceptance and attitude of moving forward has absolutely unleashed a total monster ego that simply cannot cope with this new narrative.

He behaved badly and because he is no longer in control of events has completely snapped.

A huge part of this is his very public downfall.
The knowledge that those that have known him decades, relatives, his children, now know he is just another grubby little man having an affair, is simply too much for his outsized ego.

He is well aware of how grubby, vulgar, and tasteless this looks, and is just furious with this exposure.

He is mostly furious with himself at his stupidity.
He completely under estimated OP.
He never expected her to ask him to leave.
He never expected her to tell the children.
He never expected their friends to all be quickly informed.
He never expected her not to beg.
He never expected her to be composed.
He never expected her to look so well and to be so positive.
He never expected the firm rallying of their friends around her.
He never expected her quiet but firm push back and boundaries.
He never expected her to tell him to stop contacting him for trivial bullshit.
He never imagined his puppy eyes to absolutely no longer work.
He never expected to no longer be indulged.

HE could change, but not OP.

He was messing about for months and had a whole other narrative concocted where he would be back and forth like cock a doo, two women desperate for him, OP distraught at home, anguished but accepting crumbs.🙄

Christ but he's an awful twat.
I bet OP is privately cringing at his stupidity.
You can forgive a lot but there is something totally Icky about having lived decades with a man you now realise to be a complete moron.

His pathology is that of him being quietly fabulous......but actually he now knows he has majorly, publicly, fxxked up.

He simply cannot cope with being the author of his own humiliation and downfall.

He is quite crazed with the idea of trying to throw shade on the OP as his only play in this situation.

I am so so sorry OP.
But he really has destroyed his involvement with his family, the actual affair now being only one small part of it, against his shocking behaviour towards you.

You are the one who is fabulous.
But be very careful of him.
Humiliated men are unpredictable.
Stay safe.

Husband was having coffee with friends yesterday and sent me a picture of the room. On it was a relative whose partner treated her so badly. He had another woman who called at the house admitting everything. He was thrown out but it's been a seesaw since then on and off with the relative going hot and cold on him. It's been five years now. Our relative is a broken woman, her children disgusted with the whole mess. Why is this nearly 60 year old, compulsive lying bag of shit like cat nip to both these women.

I should add relative has a lovely boyfriend who adores her and the OW has no idea he's sniffing around his ex partner still.

So @Gingerloaf you stay as strong as you can.

I should add relative and ex partner were together in the restaurant

@Gingerloaf I am so so sorry. You don't deserve this, on top of everything else. At least your DCs, solicitors - and the Police - are aware. I can't really offer any advice better than what's been said above. Just keep everything - on and off the burner phone number - take time-stamped photos of them on your phone screen - separate recordings of any voicemails left, anything and everything.

I am sickened on your behalf by this development, it must be such a well of despair for you. I wish there was something I could say or do that would make it better, but I know there isn't, so all I can do is to wish you strength as you face this. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your dignity is intact.

It's not just a phone he's burning. Who among his family and (decent) friends will want anything to do with him after this?

He is building the firm foundations of a very lonely future life for himself. The likelihood is that he will long outlive his human budgiesmuggler, with the age difference between them, and what then will he have left? No friends, a diminished pension (because you've got half), DCs (and later grandchildren) who despise him, a silent burner phone and an empty birdcage with a long-abandoned bit of cuttlefish rattling in the bottom. He will end his days alone, uncared-for and bitter. I doubt he will understand why, or accept that it is in any way his fault. It will all be "what Gingerloaf did to me". But he will be roaring at an empty sky, and no-one will be there to hear him.

Awful just now for you, just awful. I'm sorry. It won't always be this grim. It will probably get worse (the Council Tax letter next week will no doubt bring renewed joy and merriment to his new domestic bliss), but he may not keep it up (no pun intended) for long, especially if these behaviours are new to him; they are exhausting to maintain. Possibly after a short spell of worse behaviour than you have yet experienced (sorry), he will be back to tears, pleading and abject craven "apologies" and begging forgiveness. To which you can firmly respond "Nope - off you f~ck, back to your love-nest. I don't care that you're growing allergic to the feathers."

You can do this. You are amazing. But I'm sorry that it's so sh~t at the moment. xx

Thank you everyone- I cannot convey how much your comments and analysis helps me to keep going / stop my heart thumping.

Friends are appalled
DC not talking to him
I am aware this is the start and he could be unpredictable- and I have to protect myself from whatever is coming
I will have what my friend calls a grab bag if staying if I need to leave the house - I think his legal return is sooner rather than later because she must be seeing this shit show and wondering ….
I have 2 sets of friends local to me who will harbour me at short notice and I have others further afield
I need to remove more things from the house in anticipation of a return so any eventual escape is easier to do

I am looking to the future- where I lose 50% of house and pension I worked hard to build up. Solicitor says his behaviour counts for nothing in this process - which seems so very wrong
Anyone would think I had taken on the local rugby team such is the treatment I am receiving
But all your comments are correct - he cannot believe where he is at and the fact he did this himself - so it has to be my fault….

I may be poorer in the future but I can afford to live, will get a job and live free if twattery

Once again - you magnificent people my eternal love and appreciation

I think the cognitive dissonance thing is just so very weird with men. Reality is just too damn painful so they choose to believe their own (fictional) reality. They can never be the bad guy.

Chin up, @Gingerloaf
That Ginger you must have in your soul to have chosen this name will keep you rooted, fiery and warm. All attributes we can see you have.
Keep on keeping on.
#TeamGinger

You may be financially poorer in future, but in every other way you'll be far richer.

You've got your amazing kids, what sounds like a great support system of friends and family, you're strong and vital and full of life and will have so much more peace, joy and happiness alone.

And what will he have? Granny fanny and an increased council tax bill, a permanently scarred relationship with his children, and the knowledge that without him and half your assets you're still better off than he will ever be.

I laughed at the term “granny fanny” till I realised I have one/am one too!

You have us all behind you @Gingerloaf, sending you strength and admiring your dignity.