Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

humiliated men are unpredictable
I think I am thinking of that the most - I am very wary of him now

Never underestimate how far they'll go.

I knew a man who hired a rottweiler law firm to destroy his ex and keep his money. Two other friends of his then used the same firm for the same reason. It was ugly at the time.

These days they probably Google for advice.

He has no shame. It sounds pretty clear that he knows he has messed up, from the surprise at being asked to leave, now harassment, stalking and threats move back in to his 'marital asset'. His MO now is to hurt you the way he was hurt when you didn't do the pick me dance or beg him to stay. He never considered you would be strong and rise above.

It's frustrating that he will have some money but that is ALL that he will have. He has no dignity left, no friends, the kids aren't interested in him. If the relationship with the OW doesnt work no-one else will touch him with a barge pole due to his cheating past.

Sending strength 🌺

He just didn't bank on you asking him to leave. Awh boo hop, not. No one wants to know him. I think the shine will be wearing off with budgie woman. Again only so much shagg ing they can do. After even that, what have dinner and watch Coronation St???. Probably can't relax he ll always have to be on his A game. That's why he's turning nasty as predicted. Plus your not reacting as he thought you would. Prepare for him to ramp it up a notch when the council tax letter goes to her. Again in awe of you lovely. 💐

@Everintroverte has this Op, he expected you to try to get him back, you throwing him out instead has massively dented his ego. He's angry because you've spoilt his game, he thought he'd have two women chasing after him, good for you having too much self respect

Why is he harassing you though? What does he want from you?

You’d think he would be right into the ow and have no time to think of you - let alone contact you all the time

Has he asked to come home yet?

I think the old chestnut should be changed to "Hell hath no fury like a man scorned".

I think when men leave for OW they simultaneously want their wives to let them go with no fuss and yet also beg them to stay. OP not only isn't doing the pick me dance or 'going into a decline', she's actually moving ahead with her life and making plans to come out of this in as strong a financial position as she can. She's supposed to wail and beg him to stay AND give him all her money. He can't stand that.

When he is not shagging Betty budgie he has a LOT of time on his hands to ruminate and cogitate....and he is winding himself up at the indignity of his situation and how he ended up here.

He is appalled that OP didn't kick up more and fight for what they had.

In fact if she had had the basic wifely decency to fight for him and their marriage, and not been so unreasonable as to throw him out of his home!!!!.....he probably would have been persuaded to forget about Betty and things could have been repaired.

If OP hadn't been so bloody minded and decisive in telling all and sundry about their private business, things need never have gotten to this juncture.

When you think about it, EVERYTHING is OP's fault.

Bad OP.
Very very bad OP.😁😉

Hi first I'd like to chime in with the rest of commenters to say you are fucking awesome. I know you're going to come through the fire like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

However in the interim re the phone and harassing calls/texts I have a tiny bit of advice. Get a new phone and number but leave the old one in service for now. Give it to a trusted friend who is willing to monitor it and filter things to you as needed. That way he can continue to harass you and you're not tempted to take the bait. But you'll have proof of his behavior in case its needed and if anything truly urgent arises trusted friend will let you know.

Then after the dust settles you can decide if you want to keep that number or cancel it. But I'd keep it until the divorce is signed.

This way he can continue his shit messaging to his hearts content thinking he's getting to you. You can do this with your email also if he decides to start spamming you on that. Give trusted friend password to it and ask them to monitor for you. So you only really need to be informed if absolutely necessary. Later after divorce is finalized you can regain control and read and laugh at him all day long.

What wonderful advice from @Jom222

I agree that you should keep the phone open but for other reasons. He might really escalate and tip over into breaking the law. If he does this, you have a different set of circumstances altogether that might benefit you and keep him out of the 'marital home'.

If he genuinely is regretting his affair and he is stunned that OP has thrown him out, his situation must feel appalling to him. He is tied up to an older woman when in reality it likely never occurred to him that he would be caught out so she might not actually be his 'ideal pick' and yet here he is.

Feeling he has no way back and no way forward might just send him in a loop so I would keep that phone operational whether you monitor it or someone else does OP. After all, he is not making great choices right now.

I like the above suggestions re the phone - sounds like a sensible enough way of giving him enough rope…. Idiot.

Thank you folks - your comments and support are life affirming

Its D Day sometime this week re the council tax
He has gone from arsey emails, random text from another phone to polite emails…. I think OW is telling him to play nicely. She’s probably thought how much money might be coming her way at the end of this.

But a fab few days with friends and DC has lifted some stress and given me a new focus upon the life after this shitty situation

Sending you love and utmost appreciation to all of you x

@Gingerloaf so glad you have enjoyed your break away with a good friend and DC. Just what you needed. Just a quick question, if he will be getting half of your pension, will you not be able to claim half of his? It all seems so unfair when we are not the ones creating the upheaval and problem in the first place. Hopefully OW will not benefit too much at your expense, it is just so wrong.
Hope you have a better week ahead and can plan good things for after the storm. Sending hugs 🤗

I don't know if it would be OW giving him advice, she was probably egging on the nasty to cement your break up. I reckon he's had a reality check from some proper legal advisor to start playing nice as it will all come out in court. Especially since he's the one at fault. I know it's no fault divorces now but one party being a cheating abusive prick may put the court on your side. Xx

@AdmittowearingCrocs - I was the major breadwinner for most of our marriage
He was at home with the kids and did some work freelance but not loads
In law my salary and pension is a marital asset therefore shared
Morally - most people agree a decent man would have a problem with walking off with something he didn’t earn - a woman would be called a gold digger. My solicitor is there to chip away at all that he thinks he is getting

If Amy of you - or your daughters are in this position of being bread winners etc then warn them. My H has done wrong and rather than crawl away with shame he is being encouraged by solicitors and OW to take all he can

In The end he will lose because so far his DC are not talking to him, friends have turned away and his own family are embarrassed by his actions
I am hoping he hits rock bottom soon and starts to ponder his behaviour- but I am not holding my breath

@Blibbleflibble - not sure he told the solicitor he has been adulterous as the generic letter I got made out he was not living at the marital home through choice!!
I suppose this is the point I find out how good my solicitor is to make it clear - he cannot sell the house from under me and has no grounds to divorce me and so they can bluster all they want ( demanding I get the house valued) frankly they can take a hike
I will go at my pace and look forward to any tricks people have used to do so

The divorce law is wrong - there should be a guilty party especially when it’s adultery as the grounds

I'm in shock. I really thought he would be crawling back with his tail between his legs. He deserves everything that's coming to him. Sorry OP.

He may yet come crawling back, when it suits his needs and wants. I think he's disappointed how little OP has proven to need him.

It will hit him sooner or later when he's alone, without the respect of the people who matter most to him (even if he doesn't realise that yet).

Good for you, Ginger!

Excellent though you are, I have to disagree about divorce law being wrong. You were married, you were a team. He was home with the kids, you said, while you were working. So he contributed to the home via childcare and has a right to the money you earned while together. If you had a problem with his contribution at the time you should have brought it up at the time. When a woman has reduced her focus on work due to raising kids we are rightly clear that the husband’s earnings belong to the family and not only to him. Same this way round. At least on mumsnet I don’t see women being called gold diggers for stating their right to marital assets.

I also think it’s reasonable that adultery is not punished via divorce law. Family law is pragmatic rather than being concerned with moral judgments or punishments. Maybe it could be considered a breach of contract which you should be allowed to sue him over for damages. I think you’re able to deny him a share in anything that comes in since the adultery? But before that you were in a contract with him by which everything you had was also his. That’s what you signed up to. If an employee breaks their contract they can be fired but they wouldn’t automatically lose wages from the time prior to that while the contract was still in force.

He is losing respect from friends and family. That is an appropriate consequence for a legal but morally wrong act.

i kind of agree with @Uol2022 FIRST paragraph.

Unfortunately, if he was a SAHP then he is entitled to your earnings/assets etc on divorce. So many threads on here show that the SAHP are entitled to such but in your case OP, the husband was not only the SAHP but also the adulterer which is not the same as typical threads on here.

So yeah, I get why you'd be so sodding angry that 50% of what you built up should be given to him. It's as though its a reward for his shite behaviour. I'd feel so bloody bitter about it, I'd make sure he received it all in 1p pieces. 😡

@Gingerloaf when the man came to value my marital home I briefly explained the situation to him and said I was looking for as low a valuation as possible. There are obviously guidelines they have to stick to but he did what he could for me.

I'm glad you enjoyed your break

To be clear - he was at home when they were young but they also went to nursery I paid for
He attempted to work in a formal workplace and didn’t last
He went freelance and often did not pay tax - the DC by this time we’re self sufficient

I do not wish to go into great detail but he has had a good life and been supported for most of it.
He had very strong views on adultery when we married - due to his F being unfaithful
As far as I was aware this was not something he had changed his views on - until
he admitted adultery that I was unaware of

He didn’t think
He didn’t try to address any issues
His current behaviour is abusive and harassment - and yet I am told counts for nothing in this system
Laughably he blamed our problems on feminism ( forgetting DD has a great job thanks to feminism)
I am sure as a result of those shitty situations many women found themselves in in the past - the law has changed thanks to feminism ( the irony)

What I object to is someone who blindsides their spouse of over 30 years. Becomes abusive and unhelpful - makes irrational demands - and everyone says ‘well if it goes to court the judge will see….’
Marriage is a contract that brings some legal benefits - some people chose not to marry or to enter civil partnerships - breaking the contract should not be rewarded with 50% of the assets to the adulterer/ guilty party

The no fault concept makes a mockery of the impact separation and divorce has on, probably mainly but not exclusively women, and what impact it has on their later life and their health. In some cases the impact on the DC

As a society we should have a better concept of whether marriage is a contract - I didn’t kick him out when he found working outside of the home hard. I stayed true to my vows, for better or worse, for richer for poorer - bloody hell they are funny now???

Absofuckinglutely.