Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

So I am taking a few days away.
I won’t be posting as I recuperate from the last few weeks
Thank you to all of you who have identified the steps he will take in his behaviour- you think you know someone until
they realise they can get their hands on your hard earned pension and what have you.

I just need to refuel the tank to be ready to deal with what comes next - I can see what people mean when they say this experience changes you
The counselling is good - the solicitor expensive and pretty good ( as in trying to avoid a big bill) he also referred to all the emotional abuse as the garbage that gets thrown around.

I have good friends and family - something I am grateful for

Look after yourselves folks x

A friend's ex went nuclear after he had cheated and gone off with his receptionist. He had a government pension he fought so viciously for her solicitors started digging and found a juicy private pension as well. She got the house a set income income from their business rather than half of it so he didn't have to sell and 50% of both pensions when he finally retired .

The OW was sadly disappointed 😀

Have a good break and rest up , take care of yourself , your head and heart . Sending love love and blessings to you for peace and wellbeing

God bless you. Take care of yourself @Gingerloaf

Have a relaxing and rejuvenating time away @Gingerloaf. Try and put everything to the back of your mind while away and have plenty of self care for yourself.

@Gingerloaf

I wish you peace and calm. Rest, regroup, and stay strong.

Come back if you wish. But also remember that it is your life and you don't owe us anything.

@Gingerloaf It's a good idea to regroup. You've got a difficult time ahead and he's going to change into somebody you don't know. Go refresh yourself and we will be here to support you if you need

My friend's dad did something similar. In his 60s, went back to an AP from 30 years before, and announced he should have been with her all along. His adult kids didn't forgive him for basically saying he should have left before they were born - and all his friends sided with his wife. I don't think any of them even spoke to him for about ten years - oh, and one for the playlist - Kiss This by The Struts

Many thanks - I will be back but have taken some action tonight that maybe a bit nuclear to him - which is the point to get evidence of his shitty behaviour

Then I wish to take things at a slower pace - I can see the benefits of getting things done and dusted but it’s too quick ( or seems so at the moment)

I have already seen him turn into someone I do not recognise- pumped up by his OW and whatever cut price solicitor he has found
Time away and the love of long standing friends should do me the power of good.
But I will be back - just can’t explain stuff at the moment and won’t be turning my phone on for a while.

Love to you all x

Good resting to you @Gingerloaf .

Unfortunately it will all still be here when you get back.

As such it is very smart of you to walk away for a bit.

Well done.

All the very, very best to you @Gingerloaf . In all this shitstorm, the love and respect of your DC and friends will help bolster you and sustain you. You will always have this to uphold you. (You also have a horde of invisible supporters here who feel they'd be your friend in real life too.)

Still thinking of you OP. I am divorced myself and it is incredible how quiickly they can change its like you never knew the real them especially when there is an OW involved and lets face it there usually is. My ex did ridiculous things, petty stupid things to try get a rise out of me just so he could 'prove' I am crazy instead of just holding up to what he had done. They have to twist the narrative to make it look like we forced them to cheat. Absolutely bizare but it apparently happens in most cases.

Op his solicitor is only going to arm his client with literally anything to get you to look unreasonable.
Your ex DH is paying someone to give him dirty advice, probably legal but it'll be anything to make you doubt yourself.
To give your DH ammo.

It's going to make a mockery of what you had. Please please remember it is not the truth. It bloody hurts. Been there.
Take stock and remember this is a cut throat process. You've got your solicitor to counter.

It is bloody unfair with the splitting of assets when they are the instigator.
But, please take the other shit, like oh she's aggressive with a huge dollop of shit salt.

You are in a parallel universe.

It's true. His ridiculous one.

Strength to you lady. Plus hugs xxxxx

We are all wishing you well xx

Sending you strength and love. I’ve read every one of your posts and you are awesome. In a years time please come back a tell us about your amazing life. 💪

I can see the advantage in slowing down too - especially if you can see that it’s not all beer and skittles at Maison de Budgie. Those doilies aren’t going to rearrange themselves you know.

Have a good rest and regroup, OP.
We're here when you need us.

Look after yourself, put yourself first, @Gingerloaf.

I hope your time away does you the world of good @Gingerloaf.

All the best OP.
Hope it soon implodes for him and granny flange

He did! You know that old saying "give it out, get it back threefold"? He left me with one child and then went on to have three with the OW despite telling me he could not afford child support. Well the years rolled by, he married OW and then she cleared off leaving him to cope with the three kids. They were well past the baby stage and of course I felt for them having all that upheaval but I did allow myself a little gloat.

Not sure if I (or someone else) made this suggestion to you already but please don’t forget to change your NOK in any legal document and also to change the beneficiaries in your Will. You need to make sure that you’re not gifting him anything should anything happen to you.

I think this is a good time to say that behaviour will make absolutely no difference to the outcome of the financial settlement, neither will the affair. There are a few limited variations with that but in this case they don't appear to apply.

My ex and OW did all sorts to make me look like an abusive crazy, despite all of the abusive crazy coming from them. They also made false allegations to the police which resulted me being arrested. My favourite thing was when they discovered my Mumsnet support threads and printed out 3k posts and presented them bound to the judge who completely ignored the whole thing. It got more and more bizarre in the bid to justify their horrific behaviour towards me and my children. If I could rewind, my response would be very different. I wouldn't have given them an ounce of oxygen. Nor attempted to defend myself and I would have cut off contact immediately. They absolutely loved my distress and were delighted with themselves when I was diagnosed with cancer and PTSD. It's a cautionary tale but one to bear in mind going forward. Let the legal process do its' thing but give them absolutely nothing of you.

I forgot to add that I can’t wait to hear about the explosive cat you have released amongst the budgies @Gingerloaf