Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Ha ha,why am I getting an image of old metal lockers for your books and bags at school?

Can I suggest I'll Sail this Ship Alone by The Beautiful South ?
You are an inspiration.

It certainly is. I've often marveled at it. That and their 'selective memory'. You know, that ability to remember things that never happened and forget things that did. I wish I could do that. (not really)

As far as his silly emails, remember that 'getting it in writing' works both ways. Be careful to say nothing of consequence or that could be misinterpreted. A good response is "I will have to think about that and get back to you" and various versions thereof. Then don't. Eventually your response will be "I will forward this on to my solicitors" but whether you actually do or not will be up to you. Because solicitor time isn't cheap lol.

You can also set up a separate 'inbox' on your system and have his emails directed to it. Then you can review them at your leisure rather than have them popping up and then sitting in your 'regular' inbox as an annoyance.

The question about whether it would have been better if he'd told you about the affair straight away. This is very male thinking, they think their crime is having the affair, that you're upset by them having sex with someone else primarily. They just don't see it's many things- that they change towards you, make it your fault, get mean and nasty, try to downgrade the relationship you've had for years because they just can't take the blame, and yet when they work out it's been a mistake you're supposed to forget all of it and start with them again.

@Daleksatemyshed - interesting point of view

I have no idea what has gone on in his head - grand levels of delusion. I think he is desperate to make a go of it with her - he needs to make a point that his actions were correct / justified etc

In the back of my mind is him turning up on the doorstep and either arrogantly assuming all will be well - or bullying me until I sell the house - either way it won’t be fun

Please do. I had similar. Look at me, I'm lovely and helpful, I don't want to see you on the streets, I don't want to see you struggle. The truth was the exact opposite. I think you need to be really cautious and stop communicating as much as possible. Deploy the grey rock method of communication. Don't let him in the house. If he wants something that's fine, but tell him you're leaving it in the shed or whatever to be collected at X time. Don't respond to "helpful" emails. When he realises that you're onto him he may very well be viscous. Let alone what OW is giving him in terms of earworm. Go carefully....

Keep that absolute fact at the forefront

@TheFormidableMrsC

Thank you - it’s hard. People warn you that things will get unpleasant and you sort of know and the you realise that you are playing a game where the rules are made up by one or two people who have different morals to you and to whom your welfare is nothing.

So hard to believe that once this was the love of my life and the man I trusted with my life.
its like falling into a parallel universe

I do thank you for your advice - therapist also said be cautious and over the past few days that is what I have been feeling. There is no mature way that this is going to work out.

"its like falling into a parallel universe"

@Gingerloaf

It's not like falling into a parallel universe, it IS falling into a parallel universe, their universe. But that's just at first, when you're still in the 'default' place of believing that your H would never purposefully hurt or betray you. So he feeds you lies and prevarications and you believe because, well, you've always been able to.

But eventually you wake up and fight your way back to the 'real reality', your reality. Being in the 'real reality' doesn't always make things much easier, but at least you're making decisions from a place of what is right for you instead of making them based on what he convinces you is best for you (but is actually best for him).

KOKO, you're doing great.

@AcrossthePond55 - more valuable advice

At the moment he is quiet and I think reeling from a few things. Can’t explain here but I will also keep in mind what you say because it’s clear the mind games have started. So I am focusing on staying strong and being ready for the responses to what I have put in action.

It truly is a devastating experience- made worse by it being inflicted rather than sought.

My DS says it’s just that I can’t see the gap in the clouds yet - but I will soon. Let’s hope so.

You have people who love and support you, op. You will be alright 🌺.

@Gingerloaf

My DS says it’s just that I can’t see the gap in the clouds yet

Wise son.

So to help you remember:

I echo the pp. The worst thing is that you're dealing with a terrible event, not only without your life partner but caused by them. I couldn't believe how immediately and permanently hostile my ex became from the moment he knew I knew about his affair. You'd think I'd been the one who had cheated. He was absolutely vile..told me to get it together and look after "your children" when I was hiding upstairs so my toddlers wouldn't see me in bits (he was in the house so they were safe). It's completely bewildering. Hang in the OP. You've been incredible but you will get low points and don't think you can't give in to them now and again.

@BibbleandSqwauk - thank you

The solicitor is good in that he says ‘ the law is a blunt instrument’ he talks about how cold it is. In a way it helps me to think about the process.

I am thinking about how - having massively messed up he will be like a cornered animal and come out fighting. So I have to concentrate on being healthy and strong and thinking about the future. No more thinking of what we had - it’s done and for the latter part it was an illusion.

All of these posts about experience are helpful to keep me - focused on going forward. The next chapter, however hard it will be, hopefully something good will come from this.

The "blunt instrument" comment is spot on. The axe comes down and that's pretty much that. That's why I know it's pointless getting involved in pettiness as all it does is ramp up the legal bill.

There will be a formula for the financial split. It's a one-bite-cherry so important to get all you are entitled to. Then just get it over with and move on.

The recent introduction of no-fault divorce has simplified and speeded up the process thank god.

To Op and others - keep on hanging in there . I know OP you have done really well and largely taken this in your stride - but we are all human and things and events will trigger us .

I think you have to bear in mind that your H was "ahead " of you in the downfall of your relationship . He had months when he was becoming entangled with the OW and you were kept in the dark and deceived .
You have had to play catch-up at deal with the shock and also the devastation of what he has done to you . So take everything at your own pace , be prepared for some lows when it hits you again what has happened .

Whilst I think there is a lot to be said for being dignified and showing that you are surviving well- I personally have at times resorted to shouting and also crying in front of H . I try and not beat myself up about this as I know my emotions are variable just now . I do not want to become the cold and unfeeling person that my H and others in his situation have become .

This was what I experienced. As soon as I found out that my husband was having an affair (I had to ask him!) he totally turned on me. We had a 7 month old baby and it was all my fault because I had become boring since having the baby, I always tried to stop him doing what he wanted. He became vile overnight, I honestly think that this is how they cope and compartmentalize what they are doing and the hurt and chaos they are creating. I survive, I moved on but I will never forget the heartless cruelty of those early years when I was on my own with a tiny child and trying to negotiate a new life for me and my child.

@Lifeomars yes that's it. On all the threads about deadbeat dad's there's always some smug poster who says you should have known and picked better. Mine was genuinely a good and very hands on dad..until he wasn't. The turnaround was unbelievable. He moved away and from that point on has never ever put them first. They have to fit in with him. At least @Gingerloaf doesn't have to deal with this aspect. Clean break OP! Get it sorted and leave the legalities to the professionals as far as possible.

@AmandaHoldensLips i hear what you are saying but equally as solicitor said H behaviour counts for nothing I. The eyes of the law
seems ridiculous that you can have an affair and walk off with 50% - makes a mockery

I am trying to rise above it but believe you me he’s ramping up

@imfae - there must be a script for men from the solicitors because having’taken legal advice’ he is now trying to get evidence of my aggression. Going so far as saying he is afraid to come to the house. He was also almost gleeful in knowing he will get 50% - but had no idea re how settlements can be chipped away at
I think OW has heard how much they will get and is getting busy shall we say - he was a complete arse today - and I suppose gave away his game plan on a number of fronts

Again I can’t say too much but it’s as if he has been given a little knowledge and is deploying it with glee

Is he not thinking of what his kids think of him? You would think he would be hiding in shame and doing his best with his kids, seeing as he was so close to them. Hurting their mum won't help his case. All the best OP.

@Lifeomars - I am so sorry to hear that and I think you are right - they do all this shitstorm rather than face reality
Then at a family wedding it’s all sweetness and light - like nothing happened. I am really hoping karma does get him in the end.

You are amazing for coping with that - and hopefully he will ’get his’ in the end

@BibbleandSqwauk - I was hoping to deal with it with respect and calm but he is clearly focused on the money
I do want to be rushed with anything - not yet 5 weeks
I still do t think all is well there and she’s clinging on for the meal
ticket and he’s just living what control he has
Today he got arsey about something and I had to deal with it practically all day. The. He gets all helpful re what’s app - I am turning that off and going to emails only soon. That way I dont have to see his stupid avatar all the time

Its draining - I spoke to the someone today about something and they said you have to feel all the emotions in order to get through it.

I just need a short break to regain my energy

@Diarygirlqueen - he has convinced himself I am keeping the kids from him which is not true. But they are well aware if what he is doing and they are getting very angry with him
He is in real danger of losing them - or at least having a very altered relationship that won’t recover from this
He has also lost friends because of it - he will have a very different life and as I am assured will one day think WTAF did I do

Aren’t your kids independent adults OP?
He really is living in an alternate universe if he thinks you are keeping adults, who can make up their own minds, from seeing him.