Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

The OW

Brilliant 😂

I’m picturing him sitting in an overly plush, floral lounge room with matching overly plush, floral armchairs with doilies on the armrests and headrests drinking “lovely cups of tea” in the evenings with the shag budgie already. They must have run out of things to talk about already… His kids refusing to talk to him, etc would hardly be romantic… I guess the council tax might inspire some natter. Trying to picture them coming up with other hobbies to fill their days as their cold, hard reality of life together must look rather bleak already after such a short time.

🤣🤣🤣

Having "a bit on the side" is very from being catapulted into living together. Both of them must be feeling from the shock. Plus the OW has had 18 months of the toilet seat being reliably down...

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh Jesus that is very funny!!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Love the McAlmont & Butler song - Yes . One of my favourites . Read the lyrics last night and hadn't appreciated how apt it was .

@imfae - had a listen, I had forgotten that song and yes it very appropriate

Thank you

@Gingerloaf I continue to be in awe of you; strong and practical in the eye of the sh~tstorm that your OH has unleashed upon you.

I was coming on to recommend Emmaus (Emmaus UK | the charity working to end homelessness), they have been immensely helpful to a number of friends looking for help with clearing furniture/stuff (and also sourcing some quality second-hand items), but see that @Greyrockin has beaten me to it.

To add to your playlist - I recommend "The Female of the Species" by Space (in relation to you, not the budgie-baiter).

I very much doubt that you will ever be physically in the OW's house - but, should you ever find yourself there, may I recommend taking with you a bag of Cadbury's Mini-Eggs and surreptitiously leaving one in the birdies' cage? That ought to cause a bit of a sensation when discovered, about which you can quietly smile... 😈😉.

Every power - and every good wish - to you. x

Another entry for the Fuck You playlist
Most probably not the OP s genre of music, but this jazz cover of Aerosmith Dream On, packs a punch, sung by one of the underrated female singers Morgan James.
All about following your goals and she hits the high notes with force without (Tyler's) screaming which sounds like the OP way of dealing with her own situation

He has stopped texting but now needs to send inconsequential emails - you know the ones, they sound all bells and whistles from a company and then it says ‘you don’t need to do anything you are already on this tariff’

Utterly pointless - but hey it’s a connection and he wants to keep that up at all costs 🙄

Something else happened today - where it seems OW and I have appointments at the same place - he must have swallowed his teeth when he dropped her off for an appointment. She is hopefully freaked out at not knowing if I will be in there

The universe just keeps on giving - and the council tax letter should be about the 18 th

I feel my power rising - I don't wish to be arrogant because we all know pride comes before a fall but so many people have told me I look well ( I have lost a fair whack of weight and I am using all those products and taking time to dress now - because I can) I am enjoying the freedom and independence of my life at the moment
Looking forward to seeing friends and my DS and DD and partners next week - going out dancing, drinking and for meals. I so feel
that life has given me a chance to be happy again

Watch out Marco - let’s hope he doesn’t turn out to be a policeman and deeply unimpressed with my antics after a night out. I have been called a legend by younger colleagues who really could not get over the full on fun we had one night - nothing illegal and the young policeman did really laugh at my jokes.

I am getting back to me and budgie babe is creeping around with my very grumpy H! 💃

@BruceAndNosh - thank you for your gift of this song
new to me but beautiful- thank you

I wouldn't have been able to resist a snide comment about him having two birds at once, but commented that you have now at least escaped the cage.

Well. Three birds at once.

You are a legend! And currently my inspiration as I can feel my own marriage limping to its inevitable demise. Have noticed DH is sitting in the car for 20+ mins or more on the phone before he comes inside atm. Don’t care at all.

Rip the plaster off - it is much better to get it started than be worn down by it. The fact you ‘don’t care’ shows you need to move onto the next chapter and get the joy back in your life.

@Fraaahnces - sorry to hear that I suppose it depends what you want in the long run

My H asked - if he had told me when he first started the affair would it make a difference. As in I made a mistake, can we sort this?
It did make me realise that the initial
infidelity, whilst unsettling, may have been worked through. But by the time he did make his announcement it was 2 months of pretty constant betrayal with the added dollop of introducing me to her.
I would be gathering the evidence and preparing for the change that is coming. How will you respond? I mean mine has told everyone he was surprised to be told to leave. If you other half is in an affair they will be living in a parallel universe where they have interpreted things in a way you may not expect. Mine told me he thought I knew about the affair ( because on a couple of times I said you’re late !!!) be prepared to hear something that is their ‘explanation’ but is totally bonkers ( ‘if only you got to know her you would like her’)

Take time to ponder what’s going on and what you want. I have been through so many thoughts and even researched how to track the car ( this was once he left but the electoral register gave me her address)
Gain the evidence, be prepared for the bullshit - and really think about what you want from the relationship and now he is unlikely to give you the full truth. They give you what they can get away with.

Good luck - it may be a blessing in disguise but it’s also a massive upheaval and probably served in a way you don’t deserve
Stay true to yourself

@Gingerloaf I think I would now be blocking all his emails and telling him to contact only via solicitor!! everything blocked!

He has stopped texting but now needs to send inconsequential emails - you know the ones, they sound all bells and whistles from a company and then it says ‘you don’t need to do anything you are already on this tariff’

Utterly pointless - but hey it’s a connection and he wants to keep that up at all costs 🙄

Mine did that, it was so obvious he was creating 'evidence' that he was oh so reasonable and The Good One. The real him came through in his solicitor's letters, for all to see.

@Fraaahnces

@MillyCentTap - hadn’t thought of that angle

I will ponder that one - and his motivation

@Gingerloaf The biggest thing I learned very quickly was not to trust anything he said or did, no matter how well I thought I knew him or how genuine he seemed.

@Gingerloaf Ah yes, the assumption that we are all knowing, and yet never bother to mention it. Surely we would.

I have a male friend who I had feelings for at one point (wasn't returned). We are still very close friends, but was already with someone else when this happened.

There was a girl in our friend group he thought I actively disliked. I wasn't about to start a fan club for her, but equally, I wasn't out to murder her. Just got on. He even took me to task about my 'behaviour' a couple of times. In the end. I was so cloyingly nice to this girl, it must have looked like I fancied her.

Several months later and after she had moved away, she came up in conversation and he said "oh yes, she asked me to go to bed with her.... But you knew that" it was like every counter on Tipping Point dropped at once. He was very surprised to discover that I didn't know and that if I had known, I would have considered it none of my business. But I had an explanation for all his bullshit in the end.

The male brain and their ability to compartmentalise everything and everyone is quite staggering