Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Again lovely folks we have a thread of inspirational women ( big assumption but let’s be honorary women on here)

Yesterday he was bullish when challenged about something. He is desperately looking for control of the situation and I know he’s trying to play silly games about paperwork ( for the car) but I am ahead of him and removed the important paperwork before he got the file
Asked him not to send numerous texts a day - this stunned him. He asked why not. I told him I have a life to lead and he needs to put his thoughts in one text alone. There was some muttering and then the classic line that he wished he had not told me about the affair.
I thought that is the most honest thing you have said in weeks. It’s clearly fraying at the edges over a bonk central - he knows it, wants to control what he can and so thinks if I had not known he could have had his rumpy pumpy, let it fizzle out and the he would still be in his lovely home with his blissfully ignorant wife .

Today turns up out of the blue with a sweet how are you? Like the aggression of yesterday didn’t happen. He got nadda - then he wants a few things from the house - which he got. Then he is offering to be useful - again shoulder shrug and a whatever from me.
Texted him not to turn up unannounced and he’s claiming confusion - handy that ??
So final text tonight is in simple language- bugger all syllables as if speaking to a child.
He thinks he is being clever - and I can tell when he has her there when texting or when he spouts phrases she would use.
But with each day we get closer to the council tax letter arriving - that should be interesting

Hes not redirecting the post - it suits his purpose not to. He can’t be bothered with such practicalities - so I will start rerun to sender. He has not said as much - this is all working through with the CBT therapist

I am very clear he is clearly thinking of a return to the home - but I know that is not to rekindle ( unless he is mega delusional) but he knows he will be homeless soon. I dont think the law is helpful to women in this situation at all. So need to manoeuvre to protect myself.

Its exhausting / boring and slightly predicable

Thank you for this thread - you are all amazing

You're handling this like a champ, OP. Good for you. Do whatever you need to protect yourself.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
solicitor had double booked - bit rubbish for £350’and hour

Someone mentioned songs to play in the background

I had been pondering songs to convey it is over - I always thought ‘Your wondering now’ by The specials as particularly appropriate at certain times and occasions

But my go to at the moment is Burning down the house Talking Heads. It’s a song about liberation from a place of entrapment - not arson!!!

The liberation of kicking my shoes off and dancing in the lounge is uplifting. Before all this happened my DD told me about her generation filming their parents dancing ( mainly to 80s music - because why wouldn’t you??) because they have not seen their parents in that mode. So she filmed me in the moment, just busting those 80s nightclub moves to The Communards. I hadn’t even been drinking. She and her friend asked - how do you know how to move to that music? To be fair I wondered why we bother to give young people the vote but never mind - let the music take you and go for it.

And finally - Shout to the top by The Style Council - ( when your knocked on your back and your life’s a flop)
I have a lovely bit of video of my daughter and I dancing to this at a Paul Weller gig - it’s another tune to express my thoughts these days.
Funny how much loved songs are having a different resonance these days.

Agree you’re doing great. I saw the bit about hearing him telling friends ‘it's a long story but we split up’ . You should say your short story bit. Not let him control the narrative. They do like to have their cake and eat it. He will be a victim next. In his head. When the OW chucks him out. No sense of accountability.

Seeing as it's unravelling with the OW, do you think he wants to rekindle the marriage or is he just looking a way back into the house?

It’s clear he’s looking to get back into the house just to be looked after by OP again, he can go do one. He‘ll be looking for someone again soon enough.

So glad the CBT is working OP and giving you the tools to overcome this, the only thing I’d say it’s ok to feel how you feel too, it’s ok to be angry. It’s not giving him power, it’s your feeling. You can own it.

@Diarygirlqueen - he is stupid enough to think he can rekindle hence the little
boy los look and the gentle ‘hi, how are you?’
But the minute it is challenged he shows his anger / frustration— mainly because he knows he has messed up and lost friends and family

At the end of the day it’s not about what he wants - the past 4 weeks have been me dealing with the shitstorm he pulled on the family. The level of delusion is high - he needs counselling to help him understand the depths of the harm he has unleashed. Unfortunately unless someone wants counselling it’s useless - so it’s a catch 22

@Gingerloaf are you getting any sleep at all? I can't help but notice what time you're posting. You're doing incredibly well, you're inspirational to women who wouldn't know how to take charge in this kind of scenario. Try to find time in the day to take care of yourself emotionally. This will all blow up before it blows over, when the adrenaline drops as the dust settles, you might hit a low physically and mentally and you need to be braced for that. Sleep is essential in the run up to that day.

Hi @Gingerloaf, I'm another who admires how strong you are in dealing with this horrendous situation which has been thrown at you.

I'm just wondering about the bank cards? Why is STBXH getting new bank cards? Is he trying to hide money or just time for them to be replaced?

You might find it helpful to start picturing your new home. What you need, the location you'd like to be in, what kind of budget you'll be working with.

If it's likely to be a major downsize for you, think about what you would want to take with you from your current home. Everything else - get rid. (Your stuff only - he can deal with his own shit.) To my surprise, I raised a shocking amount of money on eBay. Even the contents of the garage. (No garage where I moved to.) It was actually massively cathartic.

It also makes the move out much easier. I put things into storage too to simplify my space. It helped to clear my head.

Prioritise yourself, your wishes needs and wants, and picture what your future looks like.

So she filmed me in the moment, just busting those 80s nightclub moves to The Communards. I hadn’t even been drinking. She and her friend asked - how do you know how to move to that music? To be fair I wondered why we bother to give young people the vote but never mind - let the music take you and go for it.

😎💃😁❤and as always for you @Gingerloaf 💪

@Inthedarkhere - many thanks for your concern
yesterday after he had been here u was so drained I went to bed - the. Woke up at weird hours but you are right I am trying to get enough sleep - even if that is an afternoon nap. Which is why he needs to leave me alone. At the moment sleep is sometimes elusive but when I feel tired I do crash out - in some ways it’s comforting to get under a duvet and drift off
But I do need to sort the sleep patterns

@Greyrockin - we had a joint bank account
we have both moved to different accounts and pay the agreed amount for bills into the joint account- for now

I think he thought he was being smart doing that and was surprised I had done the same - he really is that lacking in strategic thinking

I'm in awe at your strength @Gingerloaf , can't believe the numpty really thinks he could just have his cake and eat it. What a berk.

@AmandaHoldensLips - I have shifted out some sentimental stuff to my parents house

I I have had a bit of a clear out and will consider eBay for other stuff
I was on rightmove last night - it was strangely soothing to see what I would get - even if sad that all I have built up over the years will be annihilated by H - the law really is a bit wonky on this one.

@MonsteraMama - I can’t say it enough the people who have affairs are in a level of delusion that is off the scale scary

They really do believe in their own story
He knows he has messed up - but rather than be mature about it - he’s hoping the little
boy lost, pity me look is going to get him back in here

What it says is he has no empathy at all for what I, the kids and the wider family have felt since his little announcement
No consideration of consequences
No strategic thinking
No empathy

He has yet to hit rock bottom at which he can then start to do any self reflection and personal growth

In the meantime I have to look after myself, be strategic and aim to be one step ahead whilst at the same time fielding today’s inane text - he is being deliberately obtuse to avoid dealing with the request I made re some money
Its a power trip - for now…..but he’s playing with fire and about to be flamed.

Wonder if OW knows how he's playing it with you. He's definitely not hit rock bottom yet, fall out could be spectacular. He probably can't believe your not distraught rocking back and forth pulling wool out your jumper. Can't wait for the council tax letter to hit, that's when he ll try to return. Might hit her square on the eyes too. Not so much fun and games. Last laugh will be yours!!. 💐💐💐

but he’s playing with fire and about to be flamed.

Bloody hell @Gingerloaf 😎😎😎

They really do believe in their own story
He knows he has messed up - but rather than be mature about it - he’s hoping the little boy lost, pity me look is going to get him back in here

Their manipulations have worked for them for so long, probably their whole lives, it comes as a great shock to them when they remove their cloud from over our heads and we can then see them in the clarity that that provides. The anger is not just at us managing without them and positively thriving, it's subconsciously at themselves for turning out to be such inadequate arseholes.

Best to try not to think about the financial losses. I got stitched up like a kipper, but chose to keep my focus on it being the price I paid for freedom. I also chose to take the Buddhist attitude of road of least resistance and practicing detachment from material things.

It was helpful (although there were still times I wanted to smash his face in).

The divorce was the best decision I ever made. Happiness and deep contentment ensued and I've never looked back.

There are lots of good apps for getting rid of mass clutter. Music Magpie, We Buy Books, Vintage Cash Cow. It's really easy.

Hope you are doing lots of nice things for yourself. Getting manicures, blow drys, a nice massage and general pampering. Treat yourself as much as you can. You deserve it.

@Gingerloaf
Just popping on to say sorry for the language in my post yesterday. I was furious for you and my SIL.

Hi @Gingerloaf - if there are any items that you want to donate I use Anglo Doorstep collection who cover a wide area. They have been very reliable in picking up from my doorstep when they said they would, and there are a number of charities that you can choose to benefit from your donations.

Never apologise for swearing! I feel the same as you. Arseholes. Hope your SIL is doing ok.

I’m jumping in to say thank you for this, we’re in the process of clearing my MILs house and our local charity shops are not taking donations so we’ve been struggling to to dispose of stuff appropriately. Neither of us have the energy for car boot sales or eBay!

Another song for your list. A very old one I remember from my childhood. Who’s Sorry Now by Connie Francis. You could have this at top volume next time he walks through the door. 😂