Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

He left because you eclipsed him. He felt safe with the OW because she is older and beige. He had a moment of “better than.” He fell off already.

Thank you for continued supportive messages - I really can’t say much because it seems to be evolving ( and unraveling) quickly
I have a lot to do to make sure that when the inevitable happens I am in a good place to deal with ‘ Shitshow the return’

I am rather enjoying my freedom and the peace and quiet!

This is so well written it could be a short story. I love that she has everything she deserves and so has he.

@Gingerloaf - thank you for your answer. I feel like this thread should be kept for future reference for people (women) who will go through this.

You really have an exceptional grasp of calm in a storm, being thoughtful, rational and good to self.

I read all of this steadiness, organization and forward planning as an act of self love - much more profound than the usual
prescription of “a spa weekend”.

Another poster up thread mentioned that you have a great way with words. I agree. I wonder if writing will be in your new future?!

I admire you greatly.

@yesmen - you are very kind

I have always wanted to write but has the sort of job that I couldn’t really reveal some of the nutty things that happened when dealing with the public ( or members of staff)
Ironically on the first return to the house my H said ‘well now you can write that book of yours’ … an interesting way of boxing off the DW when you have an affair. ‘ So where is your ex then?’ ‘ She’s up in the garrett sobbing her heart out, by candlelight, wearing one of my old jumpers and listening to The Cure ( the really emo songs not the poppy ones) writing her book about how she can never love another’ - I mean get real, I am more likely to be with Marco knocking back the cocktails and getting a tattoo

Maybe one day - I am journalling each day because the shit show just rumbles on in a way you wouldn’t believe.

I did met him yesterday and it didn’t go well - but I did ask him to stop texting all the time
Today - no texts ( although he is probably in a huff somewhere thinking he got one over on me) I had asked him to help with a few tasks to do with the house etc and he liked the control of being difficult and saying no. However friends have stepped into the breach and basically he has just rammed another nail in his own coffins with everyone we know. No ability to consider the outcome of a hissy fit.
Anyway it’s peace and quiet today - no ping of a moronic text

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but how well you're handling it, really an inspiration ❤

"Alice's" close friends ( of which I am not one) were always supportive of her and she also had some lovely family, and sports friends (me).
I heard everything on the quiet through mutual friends.

None of it was easy at all, but I think she was so totally taken aback by just how abrupt and final he was in telling her all in one conversation, that he was leaving, he wanted a divorce, he was in a relationship with someone else etc.
It was brutal, unexpected, and she was reeling from it all for months.

The thing that her friends found extraordinary and I certainly have never forgotten is the absolute delusional mindset of men like her husband after his illness.

He was stunned that his new partner dropped him unceremoniously, that she at 10 years his junior, had zero intention of becoming a carer to a man she was only with a couple of years.

He really did think Alice might "step up" and was genuinely wounded and shocked when his son's told him "no chance"!🙄

He really did think she might take him in as he couldn't live alone and couldn't drive and would need help with daily tasks.🙄

He really thought after not seeing her for a couple of years she would want him back to be his carer.🙄

Like she had absolutely nothing else going on in her life since he ditched her.

Privately we gasped at the sheer entitlement of him. What an entitled tool.
The cheek of him.

He threw away a 30+ year relationship and family without a backwards glance, yet thought when life dealt him a shitty hand he could suddenly call on "family" to be his strength and stay!
Delusional to say the least.
His two sons see him a bit but have there own lives.
Neither are married and do not live close by.
Carers are the most wonderful of people doing the toughest job with little thanks or often appreciation out of pure love and shared history.
Certainly not something I would do for a short term relationship and certainly not something I would do if my husband treated me like that after our 30+ years of marriage.
He rolled the dice and he lost.
He lives a very small limited life in a nursing home, very very different to the one he might have had, even with his illness, in his lovely marital home with kind, patient and loyal Alice doing her wifely duty.

As we have all said privately among ourselves and to her face, boy did she dodge the biggest of bullets....and she knows it too.

I have an amazing friend who rented a storage space on an industrial estate in the middle of nowhere, paid cash for the first rental period (a month i think), and dumped all his stuff there. She left it loose wherever possible (ie tipping out the bags straight onto the unit floor).

Sent the key to his work address with the expiry date for the unit.

I was well impressed.

(he was shit at any form of admin or getting his act together)

This entitlement of men thinking they can treat us like shit but still expect support and a warm welcome later… to me, it looks like a failure to really understand the difference between the spouse relationship and the parent / child relationship.

As a selfish teenager, he could tell his mum that he’s leaving home, he can somewhat despise the family home, he’s going away to find himself etc etc, and when it all goes wrong he most likely can rely on parents to take him back in and offer every kind of support.

Later, he casts his wife into the parent role for the whole family. He rejects his responsibility for creating the home and life he wants, fails to even imagine concretely what a good life would look like and how to get there. Then eventually he throws a teenage strop because it doesn’t feel like his life somehow. He takes the security for granted - that’s what women exist to provide - while also hating the normal constraints of life. He never did the thinking for himself, to decide which constraints are worth accepting for which benefits. The less active a role he took in creating that life, the more he will take it for granted and the more he will hate it.

She was supposed to provide everything for him, like mummy did, and he should be able to strop about it - even to the point of walking out - without any effect on her devotion to him.

If they once understood that building a relationship and a life is supposed to be a mutual effort, they could never be so deluded in ending it.

Wow some of the stories on here! Such inspiring women. Shame their husbands had to be shits in the first place

I really do hope that when you see the envelope (and envelopes from banks that contain ATM/Credit/Debit cards have a certain look about them and you can generally feel the card inside them) send it back to the bank or the PO box that is written on the envelope.

He doesn't deserve to have you either keep them safe or accept them on his behalf.

Can I also add that I think you are a phenomenal woman @Gingerloaf with what has been foisted on you and how you have dealt with it all.

You are such a strong amazing woman.

What an interesting idea @Uol2022

Men have some funny ideas about women. One I've noticed in divorced/separated men is that they're taken aback by how angry/detached their Exs become, they have this idea that if a woman loved them, especially if they had DC, that will remain unchanged, their EWs will still want to make them happy, be accommodating. Your DH is probably quite confused, where did this detached @Gingerloaf come from, what became of the women who did so much for him?
He probably doesn't understand that you may still love him but you won't be his doormat

@Gingerloaf

May I suggest a playlist of 'Oldies but Goodies' for when he's around? Playlist as playing in the background or being hummed or sung quietly 'to yourself'.

What a Fool Believes (Doobies)
Fly Like an Eagle (Steve Miller)
I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)

You are simply FIERCE, girl, and you have turned your volume up to eleven!

I can't wait until you are advising the next woman who goes through this nightmare and telling her how happy you and Marco are and how your life has never been better!!

Mine is “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John. When my ex left I put that as the music on my answer phone so that every time he phoned he would hear it 😂

Mine is I Will Survive, So What by Pink, Pork and Beans by Weezer and I did love that A b c d e f you song but no idea who it is by!

Oh come on ladies it has to be Lily Allen, F*ck you. I laugh my socks off every time I hear that. It's seen me through many of a redundancy and end of contract.

I heard a very sorry tale today of a family member who's husband has turned into an absolute bastard. She's lovely and apparently it's her fault he can't get it up as she is too thin and fit. She went from a 18-12 for her health and mental health. I could put him under the fucking patio. They have two sen young adult DC and she has done all their care. He's done sweet Fanny Adams. I asked my DH if he and his brother were visiting! 😄 Mine would have. As this is anonymous forum can I say I hate fucking men? (DH is the exception and my lovely late dad)

I think that attributing teenaged emotions to these men is being generous. I think they’re toddlers. They simply can’t fathom that they are not the adorable centre of the universe like mummy tells them. Any time he leaves a room, womenfolk are waiting with baited breath for him to return like the sun after a Arctic Winter.
Of course the womenfolk are supposed to be grateful to be offered the chance to fulfill their matronly (ooh errr) duties and look after them in their dotage. (Not that they are capable of viewing it as such…)

I am more likely to be with Marco knocking back the cocktails and getting a tattoo

🤣🤣👏👏👏

@Gingerloaf You’re an inspiration!

These cheaters hate when you change and don't do what they think you, ll do. They hate not knowing what you're up to/thinking/doing. You take back control and that's when they tell people you're a mentalist!!.

It's depressing isn't it ? Why are there so many men who treat their long term spouses / partners with so much disrespect and contempt . Simple answer - because they can and they think we will just accept it .

They also just expect that despite decades of being in a relationship and us experiencing such a level of betrayal that we will be over everything quickly . There is a complete lack of insight that this isn't something we can just get over quickly and that everything can be amicable .

There is such a distinction between those marriages / long term relationships that break up when one / both partners have discussed that things aren't working out and are respectful to their spouse / partner before looking elsewhere .

It is really a roller coaster of emotions / game of snakes and ladders . You think you are getting better and then something else triggers you and takes you back down again .

There is also the factor of how we find out . You think you are quietly losing your marbles , question everything you know . There are more red flags than at the Grand Prix but you are in denial as that person who raised a family with / had a long term relationship with surely wouldn't do that to you .

You are then in shock when the truth emerges . You look back and can see that they have been checking out of the relationship for some time and have focussed their attentions elsewhere . This is where the cognitive dissonance comes in and they have to justify their poor behaviour to themselves by seeing you as the " baddie " . Where the coldness comes in which OP and others have experienced .
I would quite happily never see H ( very much not DH ) ever again but
have to co - parent for a number of years .

If Marco has any brothers please send them my way .

@Gingerloaf

You had a solicitor's appointment earlier ? was it productive.