Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

@Noshowlomo has it right, imagine ditching your whole family for fanny? Or in this case, old fanny?

It’s beyond baffling and @Goldcushions2 has it right. I too have seen this, more times that I can count. New fanny tempts them away, they then find out that new fanny isn’t as much fun as they thought it might be…..they then try to come back and are seemingly amazed that the people they claimed to love before, people to whom they had promised love and trust and safety, and who trusted them, who they ditched without a minutes thought for said new fanny, don’t want to know them?

Does the engagement with new fanny create some sort of brain injury? Because no one, not one single sane emotionally aware person would begin to believe they could behave like that with no consequences. But it happens. Every bloody day.

If cooking pasta is his way of proving he's a catch, I feel a little sorry for her.

Just a teensy weeny bit, mind you. I'm not getting carried away.

Spelled “relationshit”

@Sandwichgen , I reckon you have coined the phrase here; "relationshit" is so appropriate for this kind of situation.

Well it’s the gift that keeps on giving…

I thought I would mention some other things people can do when this situation arises.

I have now sorted a second phone - just for H because yesterday was text after text. Relentless crap like asking if he has any post.
That phone will mysteriously get turned off regularly.
All texts replies written as if he is 3 years old - no emotion just simple, short sentences

I have sorted my phone not to show pictures of him - the bit where random
memories just come up. It’s his mug shot of course - because, being the awful wife, I took photos.

Facebook sorted

And today he mentioned I could get single occupancy for council tax ( nice bit of mansplaining) and I thought ‘yep mate, you are in for a surprise’ it was so tempting to let it slip but what can you do??
He still hasn’t cottoned on - end of the month should be interesting

The other thing to note - especially for those of us who have been together a long time - he is saying things he just wouldn’t normally say. It’s the turn of phrase that gives it away. I can’t really put it on here - but she clearly gives him his orders before he leaves her house and he spouts it at me.

Meeting the lawyer tomorrow- I may as well get hold of a bunch of £50 notes and burn them but the advice is good and so glad to be paying for quality

when people say things will get unpleasant during this situation - you really can’t tell just how crazy it will get. Especially when you think you were once intimate with the other person for a long time!

I cannot imagine anything else, but this man has never got any morals or manliness about him. To go for an old fanny and behave like a bewitched soul, when he has grown up kids and how he will face their eyes....unless indeed he has a spell on himself or other form of dark influence

He needs to pop in to his local post office and get a postal redirection form :)

Oh god the legal fees. I remember that well. Mind you, it's an unavoidable expense, like root canal treatment.

As for his post, just mark it all "not at this address" and stuff it back in the post box.

Sending all his stuff to a storage unit is another move to consider.

I can’t really put it on here - but she clearly gives him his orders before he leaves her house and he spouts it at me.

Like what?

She will never know him as well as you do. Noone will. That’s your power.

@Gingerloaf I wouldn't be surprised if it's actually her sending those texts on his phone. While he sits mutely by, the gitwizard.

Good stuff on getting the phone, photos and FB sorted. Block the texts if you need/want to. I would also, as @AmandaHoldensLips says, mark post with "not at this address" and return to sender (humming of said tune as you do it is optional).

Best of luck tomorrow with the lawyer. Hope all goes well. We won't be in the office but we are absolutely there with you, supporting you all the way. x ❤

As for his post, just mark it all "not at this address" and stuff it back in the post box.

I did that with some of it. Sometimes I forwarded it to c/o the OW, because that would have really irritated The Great Him the arsehole.

How magmannymouse of him with his single occupancy advice @Gingerloaf 🙄. Good luck with the SH lawyer, it'll be money very well spent.

@AmandaHoldensLips - that’s the next step

He sent for new bank cards to arrive at this house, which is fraudulent when you think of it. I have asked him to redirect but the holiday came first!

@GladPlumBear - please understand I can’t say it on here but just his attitude to things ( no empathy at all) and phraseology and how he sees things are very different to how he would normally speak

@REP22 - I hadn’t wanted to do that re the post as it gave him a reason to be here ( and piss OW off) and I didn’t want to re address to his new location because for now he doesn’t know I know - but dealing with the post is coming

@MillyCentTap

I did want to redirect with the words - now shagging the old dear at ……..

But holding onto the dignified silence - which ain’t easy and I need to let things come out as and when and try and focus on me

It's a curious thing to me how having upped and left he still seems to expect not just civility from you but little acts of service, like keeping his new bank cards safe. Does he think you are still happy to help, is his ego really that big?

I don't think I'd be replying to any unimportant texts. Or having him come round.
I think, for your sake, you should be telling him to sort himself out and blocking him .
Hope tomorrow is ok. X

Good to hear your update@Gingerloaf . You are sounding so strong and coping well. His loss. You will clearly get through this.

@Daleksatemyshed

I know he didn’t think this through. He told friends he didn’t expect to be thrown out …
I also think he expected to come back. He has a legal right to come to the house and we do arrange it - but he did comment today in the changes I have made, which rattles him as he sees I am thriving without ( at least to his face he doesn’t see the downside)
The post is odd and fraudulent to suggest he lives here - but I will be dealing with accordingly

He just never thought it through

Sorry @Gingerloaf but your reply made me laugh- He didn't expect to be thrown out- really? Did he think you'd just wait around until he changed his mind? What an utter twat

He thought he would just flit over to her house for a shag, and you’d have the dinner on the table for him when he got home?

I do believe that is the case. I think that this moron of a man thought they could all socialise and be friends and he could just shag the widow and Gingerloaf would be all, of course dear, you go shag old widow, with my blessing.

The fucking audacity and ego of the man.

Well…they do say that you can’t be the villain in your own story, so it sounds about right.

@Daleksatemyshed - that is honestly true

Told all his mates he didn’t expect to be thrown out - apparently there was a deafening silence, some shuffling of feet and a loo of astonishment
One bloke said he was amazed H still had a pulse after being such an immense twat

Honestly - led by his dick and now cornered with OW who is clearly getting him to jobs in her house ( he took load of tools away and the stuff to put up shelves and pictures) it would be funny if it wasn’t so sad

@CowTown and @Fannyfiggs

he did say ‘ I thought if you got to know her you would like her’

He is in a surreal world where it all makes sense to him and everyone else is asking WTAF
So many have asked if he is ill / has a brain tumour etc I think he convinced himself of a fantasy world where it would all work out - and what he is left with is the remnants of an exploded bomb