Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Hey, on the plus side, the old biddy has sorted out his snoring problem, eh?

Who TF does he think he is—Hugh Hefner?

'I thought if you got to know her you would like her’

What a deluded, ignorant, obtuse fool. The nerve of it.

Madness. Do these men think you'll meet the OW, say Oh isn't she lovely, you really must see her more often. Delusion as an art form

I got that chat too, hope we can all be friends!!., I'd rather be friends with Jack the ripper than his OW. Not because of him, never in a million years, she was nothing but a cheeky witch. He left her and is now married to an ordinary woman who hangs on his every word.
I still get mail for him, 36 years later, straight in the recycling. Private pension info the lot.

He thinks that is going to be some sort of emotional harem or ? And who is going to pay his bills?

unfortunately this man , dear poster , has never been his own man. He is used to be told what to do apparently and to be molly coddled by stronger than him women.....it is not your fault that you are/were the bigger earner but it has ruined his character as a man, to be always used to an easy life.

I am very old fashioned and this is my opinion. He seems to be drowned in a sea of domineering women and emotionally emasculated. This is why he does not behave like a man anymore but some form of emotional jelly fish

Re the didn't expect to be thrown out my ex was the same. Got another woman pregnant, who he wanted to remain in a relationship with. The snag was that she was planning to move back to her home country so he suggested moving into the spare room and continuing to live together.......

He was very confused why I wouldn't agree to that.

I love this thread though and often check back for an update. It sounds very much like you are managing the situation with dignity and grace. There is clearly lots of support here for you as well as from your DC.

How bizarre that he thought you could live together? Wtaf is wrong with these men.

@weAllWanttheBest - in some ways I agree with you. He was always considered the man who went with the flow and was laid back but that was never the true picture

There have been times when he struggled with jealousy- whenever I did particularly well or was praised by someone else
Its as if resentment of something has built and he has decided to ‘have a go at being amazing himself’ - and it has magnificently back fired
He was a good dad - but sometimes lived in a slightly comfortable world where the bills still got paid no matter what he did

My progress from 4 weeks ago is palpable - despite being sad at how things turned out I am seeing ‘the other side’ and the possibilities of a very different chapter to what I thought I would be living

They are delusional. God in their own universe where everything is as they say it should be, able to change things on a whim, no questions asked. Always right. Everyone else that might think differently is wrong . You are either for them or agin them…no halfways. I used to think I’d like to live on my OHs planet , but then I realised nope. I want my own planet lol..seriously, they really are delusional

I know a woman who endured her husband's dalliances, he said he loved only her. Forty years after I first met them she has Alzheimer's early days. He's dumped all responsibility onto his daughter and is leading the bachelor life again. He's nearly eighty the old goat 😡

My ex H was the same. He announced out of the blue that he was leaving to move with his OW just before our two kids sat their GCSEs and A levels. I persuaded him to stay until after their exams , so he waited a few weeks. Then on the day of the last exam, he sat then both down and gave this speech about how he hoped they would be happy for him that he had finally met someone he could love and trust . They were like 🙄

Then I took them away for a week’s holiday so they didn’t have to watch him pack up all his belongings and have a removal company come and take half the furniture and contents of our house. He was an annoyed at this as apparently he thought they would be helping him do this and also build all the flat pack furniture in his new house.

Four weeks after the divorce was granted he married OW ( in church!!) and he asked our kids if they would “ walk him down the aisle and give him away “.

I'm not remotely surprised by this. My ex said "I hope we'll all be best friend when the dust settles". OW was sadistically abusive towards me (also an old widow!) and he tried to get her named as a Co-parent to our little boy in court. Seemed surprised when judge declined that 🤣. He thought we would have a 3 way parenting thing where she made decisions about our child. Seemed confused why that wasn't going to happen. Nothing I've read here surprises me at all. Led by their cocks without any thought to the destruction they cause and then seem surprised when it doesn't work out in the way they've set their deluded plans out in their heads. It blows my mind!

@S0CKPUPPET Fucking hell 🙈

So many stories - in some ways it helps ( H is just another stereotype) but crikey what’s going on in the brains of some men?

I have noticed male friends are being very loving and reassuring towards their wives - there are some men who don’t get this at all and are a little freaked by it

Thank you folks

@Gingerloaf I admire how philosphical you are. A lesser woman (me!) would be felled.

A serious question - do you think you were born this way? I mean, with an inate ability to accept something (not like it - simply accept), see your life as part of a larger whole?

I am pretty sure I would not handle things like you are doing even though it would be my ideal way to both think and behave under similar circumstances.

@yesmen

thats an interesting question

Part of me is very angry and raging at his behaviour ( I had no idea re the affair and now he is telling everyone he was never happy) his inability to sit down and say ‘we need to talk’
However, I also know him very well and he has always had a difficulty expressing himself. He is much better than he was when we first met.

I am lucky in that the first set of friends who were told were very quick to say ‘this is not about you’ Now let’s face it your husband of 30 plus years tells you he has been having an affair with an older woman, who he introduced you to etc you do wonder ‘what did I do / not do?’
Confidence is knocked - but long standing friends commenting on his ‘shitty behaviour’ helped. Everyone said he has gone about it in the worst possible way. Then I had a long talk with him 2 days later and all I heard was me, me, me, me ( and it gave me the ick)

Over the years however I have worked with CBT therapists to deal with difficult people at work - this taught me that it’s not about me. When something happens I would react as if it was personal - over time I got better at realising that their behaviour said more about them than about me.

I was completely blindsided- but then I also started reading about avoidant personalities and thought about H and what many people take as his laid back approach ( but I know better that when angry about something he isn’t laid back)
So I thought about his actions

Perhaps I have also taken the philosophical approach - at the end of the day I will not play the pick me dance. I could hear Sting singing ‘if you love somebody set them free’
I think over the years my self worth has increased ( ironic when you think how people talk about the menopause) I no longer worry as much about what people think of me. I know I am intelligent and whilst I probably talk too much in social situations I like people and am usually described as the life and soul - having had a life time of being told ‘don’t be too much / be ladylike’ I have reached an age and a stage where I know I am not stupid, I am not unkind and some people won’t like me - fine by me. I suppose I am more comfortable in my skin - my DS told me his partner always asks who’s driving back after an event. If I am driving and therefore not drinking then it will be boring but if I am not driving the evening will be hilarious ( that was a confidence boost in a weird way haha) because H can be a bit ‘depressive’ and does not loosen up as much as I do

I can see the situation a bit better because of the personal development stuff done due to work. I am sad things went this way but as the counsellor said - ‘don’t feel a fool, you were lied to’
When I analyse what he did and how those actions are so unaligned to my values I have to accept that - difficult as the next phase of my life is - I have to do it. I do not wish to sound arrogant but at the end of the day this man made a choice. He chose to cheat, lie, plotted to cheat and at the end of the day went on a massive power trip when introducing me to his mistress. I saw it for what it was - sad and pathetic. To hear him tell people ‘it’s a long story but we split up’ I think hang on it’s a short story - man shags someone else, wife asks him to leave.

In many ways the time I have had due to my work - to reflect on behaviour of myself ( when I get sad I greet the feeling, oh this is sadness and it will pass) and the behaviour of others. All any of us can do is control how we react to things.

I was most certainly not born this way - I have raged against the machine on so many occasions ( people used to say get off your soap box) and today for instance I wasn’t cool
and ignoring - I pushed back on his twattery and it riled him no end. Possibly he has realised he has blown it but most likely he is still in the phase where he believes he is justified in his actions

At the end of the day - this is a man I trusted and he betrayed that trust. I know I will lose financially but friends and most importantly my kids have shown me a lot of love and support. Sometimes you have to walk through the fire to emerge stronger and in a different place.
There is no way back from the actions of H - and I really do deserve better ( we have already identified Marco ) there are so many more possibilities in life. I am already doing things I have not done before and succeeding.

When presented with a difficult situation in life - we either roll up sleeves and get on with it or let it destroy us.
I refuse to be destroyed by someone whose actions show they lack emotional intelligence and basic respect.

I would recommend CBT for everyone - we all need a good counsellor to help us reflect upon our view of the world and our behaviour within it.

You really are a cracking woman @Gingerloaf!

C'mon the strong women who know their worth 💪

I absolutely agree with everything @Gingerloaf has said about how you deal with this. My kids were toddlers when ex left and he had the nerve to tell me, then disappear for a week to "process" while I was left to process whilst parenting and feeling wildly out of control. I did do the "pick me" thing for a week or so but felt much better when I took back that control and got angry.

5 years ago a sports friend of mine was blindsighted by her husbands affair with a younger colleague.

He had always been a bit selfish/self absorbed man apparently, but she had never considered divorce after 30 years and two sons reared and gone. They were both approaching retirement age.

He was very matter of fact that it was over, house to be sold, assets split and divorce.
She was very accepting of this and caused no fuss at all, bar getting a very very good settlement. It really suited his ego that she didn't bad mouth him and cause a fuss as they both played a lot of golf.

Their lovely house was aggressively bid for and they both walked away with plenty and their own work pensions.
Her sons were very shocked/embarrassed, but kind.

She bought a cute bungalow in a great location and has transformed it and the garden.

3 years on he had a life changing health event and it is fair to say once things became clear his younger partner was gone, as in she just packed up and left his house that they shared.

Her Ex's future caring needs came up and her sons did mention about mum "stepping up".
While she was privately aghast at the suggestion she very kindly pointed out that she was now divorced, hadn't seen their father in a couple of years and that whilst she wished him only the very best, his care was absolutely NOTHING to do with her.
He is now in a nursing home and she is a 63 year old living her very best life.
She 100% considers everything that occurred an enormous blessing.
She looks amazing, infact she has been told more than once she is an absolute advert for divorce!

There is no doubt about it that her sons suggestion she step up, was self serving, but they quickly understood her position.
She NEVER mentions him nor asks about him. She has been very firm on that score.
He wanted a quick final break up 5 years with no drama and he got it, and she has zero intention of changing the rules he insisted upon.

@Goldcushions2 What an amazing woman! ❤️

@Goldcushions2 karma.

As you say - it would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Onwards and upwards for you Gingerloaf

How you carried him @Gingerloaf he didn’t deserve a woman like you, you will continue shining and he will realise that you made him.

There is so much more in this world for people like you. Sending love. He on the other hand, might just realise what a loser he is without someone like you in his life.

I'm a firm believer in CBT too @Gingerloaf - I had it in the early 2000's for a personal matter and the understandings and techniques I learned from it have stood me in excellent stead for the many things that have come my way in work and life ever since. Almost literally a lifesaver for me.

I hope your meeting with the lawyer went OK. Continuing to send every good wish in your direction. x