Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

If I've posted before apologies.
My 63 Yr old bbf is currently on hols in Sweden with her 36 year old Ralph Fiennes look-e-like boyfriend.
She's had a couple of really awful husbands (DV From the second one).

Second daughter has a baby due shortly and a christening. My friend can't wait to attend with said boyfriend. Meanwhile the exh is foaming at the mouth about his ex wife spending money. They've been divorced 18 years!

Wow just read all your posts OP, you’re quite the woman!

I just know that eventually this will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you!

@Gingerloaf you are fabulous! I've read all your updates but not the entire thread yet.Just wanted to tell you that the first thing I thought of reading your comment that he told you he'd stopped snoring sleeping with her (ffs - how crass of him) was the delicious unkind thought that she probably had taken her hearing aid out....
Live your best life. You are doing so well

It's like another punch in the gut when I read stories like this Gingerloaf it makes me remember how I felt like I'd been hit round the back of the head with a baseball bat. Same story as you, luckily he couldn't touch my house as I owned it before I met him very long marriage. One day he just left and sent divorce papers in the post. I had no idea what was coming.
Well for your pleasure I'll tell you what happened. He only got £10k in the divorce to his horror, I'd protected the rest. Then covid struck, he lost his job ended up living in a horrible bedsit on benefits, new woman left him as his promises of half my house came to nothing. He begged to come back. I said not a hope in hell. He really thought he could come back after the way he treated me. He had deleted every one of our photos before he left so I had no photos of our time together, these included photos of my DS, my cats and happy memories.
I'm fine job, home, lovely ife. He has nothing. Not my problem.
My one piece of advice. I stayed nice until the divorce was over even though I was boiling did all my negotiations while he was stupidly instead with OW and got away not giving him any of my pension. By the time he realised he had been done it was too late and signed the consent order so can never come back for more money. Stupid bastard.

I would absolutely do this too. I would also conveniently lose the spare key so that I couldn't give him one. Where there is a will ...

This is brilliant advice. You sound so strong Ginger.

@Gettingbysomehow has just reminded me of the ex spouse who went back for more money after the injured party had a very public lotto win. Make sure you get a full and final.
God (whoever) moves in mysterious ways.

Thank you folks

@Mrsredlipstick - a younger Swede would be fab. I love this story and as they say revenge is a dish best served chilled

@LovelyDornan - I hope to come out the other side but the process is a pain. I am a little impatient but need to pick my moments

@My3dahliasarebloominlovely - yeah I thought hearing aids as well ( we are all being ageist but under the circumstances what the heck) I think it’s more the thrill of the new. If your husband has been dead 18 months it must be lovely to have a male body around but this will wear thin when lack of sleep kicks in

@Gettingbysomehow - that’s a good point while he is loved up
the lawyer did say get him to agree to things whilst he’s feeling guilty

Changing the locks is an option but he also hasn’t clocked the security camera
Its also the kind of lock that a key left in means you can’t get in - so I do that and leave by a door he doesn’t have a key to
However - it’s clear at the moment that to keep her happy he doesn’t want to be here too much …. But every time I whistle he comes running. It must be killing her. On one occasion he was here 5 hours - when they were having an affair they didn’t have that amount of time so it will have hit home.
Just thinking of his sordid shag - all done quickly but even so - makes me physically ill.

Thank you one and all

The ow is 70+!
Oh my god.

Hi OP. My advice is to seek recommendations as to a really good lawyer as soon as is possible. If he was earning less than you he will shortly come for half of your pension to top his up. If he has known he would be going for a time he will have been busy hiding stuff, so be cautious you know where all of the money he has taken is.

OP you sound brilliant! What did they say about the council tax in the end 😂

If she doesn't have kids, is it possible that he's lining himself up to be sole beneficiary of her estate. Is there a rich widow plan going on here?

OP I filtered and read all your posts. You are bloody brilliant. Well done for all you’ve done, I’m so glad you’re taking the time to focus on yourself.

Just came on to say bloody well done OP, I can't believe how perfectly you've handled this. You're definitely an inspiration, love how much on the back foot you've put him, I imagine he's having severe buyers remorse which is all the better since he can't unfuck his situation. Serves the dirty sod right. Xx

Massive love and strength though, I imagine it is all quite draining too.

Hey OP, new to your thread. Resonated with me, as an original punk woman, who also gets told I’m ‘difficult’, ‘too opinionated’ and all those other things said to women who’re empowered, have a mind of their own and don’t take any shit haha! Have you read Debbie Harry’s autobiography? Recommended.

So impressed with how you’ve handled it all. IMHO you’re doing the right thing keeping calm and friendly with him. Don’t give him the satisfaction/ammunition of being the screaming banshee, devastated wife or OW-obsessive he expects. Plus, being on friendly terms will make things easier for your DCs, wider family and friends. And I know it sounds inappropriate right now given what he’s done, but over time, you may prefer to retain the ‘friendship’ aspects of your relationship, which can be missed after decades together.

IMHO it’s a blessing in disguise. You’ve had his best years. You’ve raised your kids together as a family unit. And now you don’t have to put up with all his shit middle-aged habits (e.g. snoring). You’re free for a second go at life footloose and fancy free. I’ve found this v empowering. Believe me, dating’s so much more fun when you’re not looking for a long-term/live-in DP to have kids with. Wishing you many in-coming Marcos 😉 [though watch out for the love-bombing sharks].

As for his situation, it could be v hard on them both. Widows inevitably miss their DH and she may become disillusioned when she realises she can’t replicate that with him. Equally, he might tire of being a replacement, as well as companion/carer for her in later life. Meanwhile, you’ll be whizzing off to gigs and hols looking better than you ever have. You’ve proved (via the zen comedy tickets) that you can make your own luck, if you’re open to adventure. His loss.

Ooh, good point.

This thread makes me so sad for many reasons. Firstly, and of course, the OP is going through a horrible time with so much grace and heart...but also I am a 70 plus widow (lost my husband almost 12 years ago) who would not in my wildest dreams consider doing what this woman had done. There is a tendency for widowed women not to be invited out in the same way that they were when they were a couple and the trope is that its because they are all cougars who are after other people's husbands. What this woman has done is validate this unpleasant ansd untrue idea and in doing that she has injured the rest of us who only want to get on with our lives and enjoy the company of our friends. NAWALT. Cheats are cheats whatever their age and marital status, they don't suddenly change because they are widowed.

What this woman has done is validate this unpleasant ansd untrue idea and in doing that she has injured the rest of us who only want to get on with our lives and enjoy the company of our friends. NAWALT.

@godmum56 I’d say at least half the threads I read on here about cheating men, the OW is married. People will always look for evidence to justify their stereotypes - confirmation bias I think they call it - and there’s nowt you can do about that, but most sensible people know this stereotype about single or widowed women isn’t true.

Loving this thread OP. Go you!

i agree but there is also (although I see this more on gransnet) the frequent story posted of "I am widowed and my married friends avoid me"

Many thanks folks - I have just got back from the shops and I had a terrible turn in one shop - it was his excuse for having bumped into OW - I am still reeling from the amount of times they were shagging. He really should be knackered by now

Cant remember who said what but ..,,
Council tax letter should arrive by the 18 th - if he does have a pop I will let you know but I am taking the line that a neighbour might have done it ( so I have to keep quiet on knowing where they live)

He didn’t prep for this situation- no money has moved, all documents still here ( but copied by me) - he genuinely told me he thought I would kick off and then we would ‘rub along together’ in the house we are renovating. He is delusional- his belief system is cocoloco

I do t think he’s lining up the rich widow - he met her at a group of predominantly women and they love bombed him. Then he probably told her his mad bitch of a wife looks a holy show because she is renovating the garden ( and the house) and the widow has made just the right gestures, just the right touch in the arm, just the right head tilt etc etc I do wonder if she has had affairs before - but he will
have told her a line about us and she has made him feel good about himself - she also had reason to meet him at the group and probably made a big effort to look her best. Then she lives in the town where we shop so he suddenly had to nip there for DIY stuff and bingo he took a little longer than expected

So no overnights, no meals out, no cinema trips just sex - all the time telling me he was too tired for it ( well yes, now I get that)
No doubt it was a drug and he went back, in some cases daily. Our wedding anniversary was slap bang in the middle
of a particularly ‘busy shagging fest’ - all to prove to her that he is in love with her and she has nothing to worry about our wedding anniversary- and yes, he was too tired for anything with me that day. In some ways that is a blessing because if I knew he had us at the same time I would probably kill one or both of them

Patience is not my virtue - I can’t shake him from his current mindset and he at least admits he didn’t expect me to ask him to leave - so he’s a bit shellshocked at the moment - he really cannot comprehend why everyone else is so shocked. But this is the effect of the drug and we can only wonder when it will wear off. I will be ready for that day. Meanwhile- pedicure sorted, holiday with gay mates sorted, plans for next year in hand
It really is like the song by the Beautiful South ‘I’ve had a little time to work it out…’

Thanks for the support everyone

OP I read your opening posts and felt a grim security that you would do just fine - so good to see proper self care in action. What an enormous idiot your ex is. My neighbour was left by her dh who was shagging the younger colleague.

Years later she lives with a lovely man and their children and grandchildren are around for hols and they have the best life. The ex - not so much - and we all ruminate on what a self sabotaging idiot he was. As if anyone would leave our resourceful, funny and beautiful neighbour who is an exceptional woman and very appreciated by her lovely partner.

Watching lame men leave wonderful women is known as doing a Clive or a Clive situation. Well bloody done on managing your Clive situation with aplomb

Yeah it does happen unfortunately. I think that speaks of their friends being of poor character tbh.

I’ve been single most of my adult life and my married friends don’t leave me or any of the other singles out. If I was married then widowed or left by a man who went off with another woman , I think they’d even go out of their way to spend more time with me if anything.

A friend of mine was widowed young and everyone just rallied around her. I think part of the issue sometime is people don’t really mind the mean spirited stereotypes their friend hold about widowed or single women - until they become the single women.

I was even invited to spend the weekend recently with a male friend and his wife. Both were absolutely lovely to me.

It could just be my social circle but I’d like to hope that in this day and age most people reject these often misogynistic tired stereotypes. But yes of course there will always be some married women who treat widowed and/or single women poorly.

Sounds like he thought he could basically keep everything the way it was, his kids & friends, social circle and his life, but just swap you out. But that too would be ok because you’d like the OW so you would approve and even understand after a while.

All he has done is ruined his life completely.

I really don't understand how grown, intelligent, family men can be so delusional as to think that their wife will go along with whatever fantasy they want to act out.
That she will just pat them on the hand and say 'Have a nice time' when he pops off to see the OW
That she'll continue to wash and cook and sleep with him
That she'll still be there when he deigns to come home
And that life will just carry on as before