Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

You are so correct. Living one’s life successful and happy without him..best revenge worked for me and the little victories of showing he wasn’t as smart as he thought he was…or at least, I was smarter and could prove is his lies were lies. I also astonished him what I knew of the main one: her full name, d.o.b , present and former addresses, ex husband, children, place of work, and that she was allegedly involved in a murder but avoided prosecution because of the police inability to prove which actually did the murder - her or her bf, who was charged but found not guilty by reason of it might have been her. Reasonable doubt. Seems they killed her landlord, body not found for 6 months. Amazing what one can find out.

@DearDenimEagle - bloody hell that’s an amazing story

She has very little online presence- which reflects her age ( 70 plus) but this also tells me what a yawning gap there is going to be with them

I keep hearing the word Limerence - as the stage he is in now - believing he is in love because of the endorphin rush. This will crash at some point - routine will kick in and when he has driven her to the graveyard too many times to see her dead husband ( already has done ) he may well ponder his actual value to her. At the moment he is presenting as Prince Charming, rescued from the clutches of an evil wife - he won’t keep that up for long. My friend referred to it as ‘ she now has someone to squire for her’ ie drive her around and remind her she has a man - that will wear thin also with him.

it’s just a matter of time before I deal with the ‘ can I try again’ conversation- bets are on as to when but the jury already knows the decision

Limerence apparently lasts about 18 months.

Oh yes, the take me back, it was a mistake, tears and snotters routine, you are the One, we belong together forever…There’s nothing like humdrum reality to take the shine off

glad you have thought that one through. I’m still getting it and we’re divorced lol.

@cowtown - we have an interesting dynamic she doesn’t have kids and he adores the ground his beautiful, clever and funny ‘kids’ walk on

When it dawns on him Xmas is a no go and they won’t meet her - some hard thoughts are going to hit

We were constantly at concerts - some of them excellent seats because I knew the band members ( can’t say it’s so outing) - and she doesn’t like any of that music - or the comedians we watched or the tv program we box setted - reality will dawn …. They have bugger all in common except having low morals and a belief in whatever bull shit he has presented her with regarding our life

The disappointment he could be such a walking stereotype is immense but the feeling of freedom and second chance at life is rearing its head
Perhaps one day I will
have Limerence with another human being but for now - I am learning to love me ❤️

You may find that he rewrites his interests to be in line with hers and dismisses everything that you did with him. I've seen this happen, it's almost as though some men have no reality of their own and have to adopt that of the person nearest to them.

Ah well, their time of limerance and bliss may well be sadly limited. Many people live long and live well into their advancing years - a most beloved family friend has recently died aged almost 102 and he had every single one of his marbles (and other faculties) firmly and wittily in place right until the end. But not everyone.

I hope your OH is good at wiping a~ses. How is he at getting someone on and off a commode...? 😉

She has so many skeletons in the cupboard even scooby doo would a problem with her,let's hope he gets out alive when the shine wears off and she's having to pay full council tax again. So glad your coping gingerloaf ,your posts are uplifting to others here.

Came across this thread this evening and OP you are doing so so well. Behaving with dignity and acting like a lady. I know you must be going through hell so I do admire you and wish you all the best.

I also hope his penis falls off.

Fabulous update. You will have the last laugh. The man is obviously a fool to have left you. An old fool at that. I'm in total of awe of you.

I also hope his penis falls off

I actually did a big, in real life, snort at that 😂

I hope his penis falls off in OW vag and it gets stuck and rots and smells and oozes puss forever more!

Hi sorry this happened to you,you keep saying your a mug,your not at alll,he's just very good at lying,being deceitful and a selfish asshole! They all think the grass is greener on the other side (normally they find out pretty quick it's astro turf lol). Then he will probably want to come back! You sound like a very strong lady take care of yourself,,it's his loss xxx

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat - that is an interesting insight and useful to have

I have been warned by the counsellor that - I will learn something I don’t like, people will surprise me and something I thought was imposed will suddenly happen
All based on CBT experience and so I am trying to be chilled - but I can see that what you say may well happen as he is wanting to impress her / keep her sweet

But I will still have the best seats in the house for a big name concert haha

@Psychoticbreak - grammar user name

i was reading intently until the penis bit - I may one day write a book about this and include this thread

@Fannyfiggs - that’s a bit extreme even for my brain
chronic thrush for both will be enough for me

@Itstimetoquit - the signs are already there of the dysfunction

They are currently abroad - on the day I told him to leave and he went to her they booked a holiday abroad - I have no idea where he is on the planet
He is running away from his actions - and no doubt when he comes back he will tell me he has had the best holiday in his life ( so relaxing) but I have also had a holiday and developed my dossier - and rested ready for the next visit when I will be sweetness and light

I am moving to a place of peace with it all - although I am also aware this roller coaster will run for sometime yet

I have also lost weight and can see my cheekbones - I needed to loose a bit and genuinely feel better for myself . Went an order new glasses today - haircut booked in and a new women is emerging.
I just spoke to an ex colleague and now friend on the phone who described me as the Dirty Harry of our profession - that made me smile and I will be ready with the ‘feeling lucky punk, we’ll do ya?’

There are dark moments of sadness for what he has done to the family - but these are lessening

Why do I see you at a future wedding of one of your children with an adoring (younger, handsome, international) man that your kids adore, relaxed and smiling for the photos…. (Let’s call him Marco. He’s in music management. You met him via your famous friends. He’s loaded and he’s utterly infatuated with you.) Ex he’s holding up his raggedy, ancient, Cruella deVille who is clawing his arm with a rictus grin for the photos - Speaking rictus grins… How much surgery has this woman had trying to keep up with you? She looks utterly terrifying with her aged face scraped back that hard that she can barely close her eyes or her mouth, and her scrawny, wrinkly neck and hands that claw at his arms in terror of falling and breaking a hip do not match at all. He looks old and he looks exhausted. Both of them make comments under their breath expressing how hard they tried to make his kids like them, and the obvious is that they are scarcely tolerated. Relatives and old friends laugh at the grave he dug for himself and he simply can’t stop himself from repeatedly saying,”Well… You’re looking well!” when he stands next to you for the photos, until SHE says “Oh do shut up, George (whatever his name is…) Can’t you see she’s not in the least bit interested?”

@Fraaahnces hahahahaha - very weirdly my friend painted a similar picture, fantasy man in her story was located in the South of France and we hadn’t even been drinking when she came up with that tale.

I don’t think OW will last that long - not just because of her age. The cracks are there already. All I have to do is keep up the grey rock and wait. I doubt he will get an invite with a plus one. Or she will
have to have nerves of steel to attend such an event. Various family members have offered to bump off H in a variety of novel ways. He would really have to be ballsy to attend.

Anyhow - Marco sounds fun. He has to have infinite patience as I potter around a garden centre looking for an elusive plant and be able to be happy for me when I find another plant of my dreams to take home. Marco also needs to be a gent and a minor flirt with my mother. He needs to be able to discuss rugby with my brothers and international politics with my dad. He needs to appreciate DS whacky and out there sense of humour and be able to discuss scientific breakthroughs with DD
If he’s in music management then one of our most prolific and cool British singer songwriters - will be more than welcome at our kitchen table. I can serve him my homemade jam.

oh and Marco better put the loo seat down

I think I may be constructing Marco in my head to keep me amused for a while.
Thank you for this image - my kids have already started discussing what kind of man they are on the look out for me - now that was a conversation I never thought I would have and their suggestions reflected their unique place in the universe - apparently Marco will also need to be brain of Britain and well versed on many subjects in order to keep me amused ( I was thinking something more fun shall we say - but it was my kids talking)

This period of time on my own is giving me time to reflect on what I would look for …. I have not thought like that since 1985 !! It’s mind blowing, mind you in 1985 a couple of pints of cider and I was happy. Today this warrior woman has higher standards and won’t be dissuaded from them.

Many thanks for Marco

Been quietly following this thread for a good while, and while I could tell you were a strong, smart one from the off, it’s so good to see that despite everything your exH has sprung upon you, you’re handling it like an absolute champ. Your earlier statement about the best revenge being a life well-lived just cemented the notion I have that you are gonna be fine, better than fine infact - you’re going to thrive.

🥂And here’s to dumping the dead weight and waving bye-bye to the people who don’t treat us with the respect and consideration we deserve. Your exH has made a huge mistake and I’m sure it won’t be long before the realisation hits him like a truck. Oh well. He’ll learn the hard way. 🤷🏻‍♀️ No longer your problem!

You, on the other hand - I think people could learn a lot from you!!! If there was a manual for dealing with these situations with dignity and strength, you are who I’d base it on for sure.

i don’t think I even need to say this, but keep on doing what youre doing, keep putting yourself first and holding your head high - recognise your worth and how awesome you are, and don’t let ANYONE make you settle for less.
All the best to you, keep us updated.

@Gingerloaf

Back in the middle of it all, my dad said, “there are more pricks than cocks in the world.”
I didn’t laugh much at the time — now I think it’s hilarious. 😂
Hang in there.

@DreamTheMoors - your dad is a star and I am pinching that phrase re pricks and cocks

Brilliant

I appreciate the warrior woman spirit and the desire to putter around a garden centre in search of perfection. You will find many a younger man also loving plants as well though… I digress… Without humour there is nothing. Marco the mystery man will make you laugh until the twinkle in your eye can be seen from space. I love that your family has plans to off the STBX, but he may be so horrified with his reality he may very well die of boredom before too long anyway. You absolutely made him look good, didn’t you? Reality bites especially hard for old fools. Your kids sound marvellous.

You’re amazing OP. So sorry this happened to you but I am full of admiration for how you are handling it

You take it and run.

Run run run as fast as you can
You can’t catch me I’m the Gingerbread Man

Stupid pricks anyhow.
lol

I am posting to simply cheer your calm and strong response to this nasty shock. Good on you! This was/is never "your fault" - and I feel that you know that. Be rid and be happy. 🌻