Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Having my OH trotting about with many other women, some I found out about, others I’m sure I didn’t, I’d say it depends what he told them.I know my OH did not admit to our relationship. One of his stories was, we’d had a relationship, but it was over, we hadn’t been ‘together’ for over a year but I had nowhere to go and he wasn’t going to throw me out. This was helped by having a house with 6 bedrooms, several bathrooms and multiple public rooms. He’d tell one OW that he saw a future for them, another that he wasn’t going to get rid of me and she was to be in an ‘unconventional relationship’ . One he just met for the first time was told he was happily single the past 20 years, but she wasn’t interested and she never met him again.
One was already on the go, when I met him, and I didn’t find out about her for years. She was married, lived on the other side of the country and was an occasional meet up, the main affair having expired some time earlier. She knew all about me and she laughed and sneered at me.
I actually felt sorry for some of them. I did not feel sorry for the ones who learned or worked out he was lying about me and stayed in his life. I thought they were betraying the sisterhood, if you like. How would they feel if they were in my shoes? Actually, I know some wanted to be in my shoes, with me gone, but if they’d become the wife, as they hoped, it would have created a vacancy for another mistress. He had 3 or 4 on the go at any given time. He went nuts when I left and I think the reaction taught those around at the time what he really thought. Opened a few eyes.

As an older , single woman, I enjoy chatting with men. I meet a few regularly while dog walking…they have dogs too, but it will remain just that, conversation while the dogs play. Other women often join the group and it’s all just talk. Even a wife or two turn up. It’s not planned, we might be a couple of days before our walks coincide but we old single women are perfectly able to enjoy our days without chasing men , married or otherwise. I’d run a mile from any attention, anyway.

Hi Op and those of us in the same situation I hope you are all doing ok and you will get through it one day at a time . There will be highs and lows .
Re the OW I do think that she does not owe the DW anything as she is she has no direct relationship with her . There are of course truly awful ( as opposed to just awful cases ...) where there is a direct friendship etc between both women .

It is really on your H/ partner as he is the one who has betrayed you and your family . He is the one who has made vows / commitments to you .

To some extent the OW may well be interchangeable i.e if your relationship is not completely "perfect " in your H's eyes i.e you are not paying your H the correct attention ( by making them completely the centre of your universe ) whether this is due to having young kids , illness , work , menopause etc the H is open to the attentions of someone else . It just happens that it was this particular woman this time .

The dopemine hits they get from someone new who can be fresh , funny and lavish attention on them can only compare favourably with the day to day boring bits of living with your spouse / partner over time . We cannot provide that excitement full time and deal with our other commitments . Quite honestly if we did pursue this excitement who would be left looking after kids / pets etc ?

I totally agree with others if H is bored by his existing lifestyle / not happy he should speak to his spouse / partner and either seek to get joint counselling to address this or leave . He should do this before he seeks out a new partner . As doing otherwise is the ultimate betrayal to your partner / spouse . It is not something that can just be brushed over . This "replacing for a new model "is not as straightforward as replacing a broken hoover but deeply hurtful to your existing partner / spouse . I genuinely do not think that the H in these situations get this . Or if they do , they simply do not care because their needs must outweigh everyone elses .

Do I "judge "the OW yes I certainly do , if they knew the man was married / in a relationship / had kids . I understand that they may not have known at the offset and feelings may develop . As soon as they know they are complicit and also to blame .

I judge their character too as I do not think you should treat anyone even a complete stranger in this way . I also think that they are showing a very bad relationship example to any kids that they have .

Keep holding on op. You are doing very well to apply all of your wisdom to the situation. I know it hurts so much.

The only healer is time.

Your last paragraph makes it sound as if he was helpless and taken advantage of ? Is that how you see it?

@lazybrownfox

Not at all how I see it - in fact I say this is totally on him

Exactly @Gingerloaf … lovebombing only works if you’re egotistical enough to fall for it. If your ego is intact, you see it for what it is.

Oh my god @REP22 what happened? Hopefully she’s not with him now?

I think as humans we all have an obligation not to be arseholes to each other. And I do believe in the sisterhood; women get such a shitty deal in life I think we have a special obligation to look out for each other.

So I do think the OW bears some blame here. Whether she actively and deliberately pursued him, or whether she just willingly engaged doesn’t matter. She knew Mr Gingerloaf was married, and even met his wife.

I think that’s deplorable behaviour and absolutely I judge her for it. Ultimately he’s far more culpable because he’s the one who was married, so of course the responsibility lay with him to brush her off. But any man or woman who gets involved with a married person has shitty morals and also bears some of the blame.

@Gingerloaf - you’re doing remarkably well and I think showing him that you’re fine and don’t need him is absolutely the best revenge. I’m glad your DC are supporting you. Thank you for taking the time to update - it’s great to hear how you’re doing, and there’s a lot of love and support here whenever you need it ❤️

@SpidersAreShitheads that's exactly how I feel and yes I do judge women who think this is all fine and dandy - clearly the partners are the ones to blame but a load of women offering ego buzzes and sex on tap to partnered up men wanting a bit extra don't exactly cover themselves in glory

Hello @Noshowlomo no, they divorced. She and the children got the house and learned to be (mostly) happy again. For a while (until the locks were changed and restraining orders mentioned), he would appear from time to time, helping himself to stuff from the kitchen fridge. No idea where he is now, or if he is still with the OW. I don't think he ever did understand why his behaviour was unacceptable. He was a git in other ways too, unsurprisingly. As devastating as it was at the time, I personally think she is well-rid. He brought no joy and much despair.

Best wishes to you. x

Likely to be my last post ….on this subject, no need to panic

Couple of things that I have learnt / found useful

Apparently the highest chance of infidelity for a man is between the ages of 55 and 65 - bingo for H
When they disappear and shack up with someone else the electoral register is a gift - location found
Stuff will come out of the woodwork - in the strangest ways.
People will come into your life just at the right moment - and sort the council tax
Don’t assume the people you love have the same values as you - some people are weak

Ultimately this shit show will keep spraying for a while yet but, despite the disrespect and bare face lies - I won’t let this define me
My kids, friends, family, in laws are stunned, hurting and very clear who they support.

Thank you to all those who made me laugh, guffaw and carry on. I am concentrating on me - new habits ( started to use all those expensive products I have been stockpiling) I put a couple of bottles of his fav booze down the sink - I aim for a dignified silence with him, which is already an unsettling silence …and taking effect.
In my heart I know they won’t last - there are cracks already but he’s a stubborn sod and it will take him a while to work it out.
However by then I will be a new woman - I have booked holidays and time for
me. No more running around after an emotionally stunted man - I have done some things I would normally delegate to him and found it’s not as hard as he used to make out!!

Thank you one and all - Love really is all you need - start with yourself.

Ah your wonderful OP, you seem to be doing great. Power to you. Stay strong and I really wish you all the best and good luck in your road ahead. Would love to hear an update in the future, I think it'll be a positive one. BTW loved your writing,, you had me chuckling even though I was sad at what your husband has put you through.

@Gingerloaf thanks for the update, so good to hear of all the good things such as holidays. Glad you are using the stockpiled luxury products, you are so worth it. Why do we save those products for a special occasion when we should enjoy them for our own pleasure rather than that of another person.
I did burst out laughing at the disposal of the favourite booze, serves him right.
Wishing you well going forward, although there will be tough times, keep being fabulous you, you rock 💐

I’m sorry you had to go through this but I am proud of you and cheering you on from the sidelines. Go, girl and I hope you get to live your best life. Dignified silence is the best way and I hope he realises what he has thrown away…but from a safe distance. Chucking the booze…little things mean a lot and that brought a grin to my face. His life will begin to feel it’s gone down the pan, too, and serve him right. You are an inspiration. Some rough times to come still, no doubt, but you will conquer. My very best wishes to you and yours.

Re write history…. You must be the bad guy - you kicked him out.
hope you’re ok.

All best wishes for the future, what a clear-sighted woman you are @Gingerloaf x

This is a fabulous update. Good on you OP 💪🏻
PS I may well be borrowing the expression 'this shit show will keep spraying for a while' for use at work today

ah that's a lovely read @Gingerloaf

You've been dealt a horrible blow by someone who was supposed to love you. That hurt and disappointment will be so hard to deal with at times but thank goodness you have support from friends, family etc. Interesting that the in-laws are equally affected.

You will pick yourself up and put yourself back together and become a new person. There will come a time when you'll sit back and look at your life and breathe a sigh and it will be relief that you've come through it, not only survived it but thrived.

Best of luck to you

Thank you all for your kind words

There is so much I would like to tell you but I need to hold back - which is a shame as I think you would appreciate the little things and ‘one overs’ that can only come out slowly
Its tempting to tell him what I know / have found out about his new life - but on the one occasion I was able to surprise him with some very key info regarding his new love and her past. He was utterly gobsmacked and sent a few texts trying to work out how I knew this info. It would seem the power of Google had passed him by!!

Some people say that’s torturing myself - but this little secret was 2 months long ( and longer in the making) I needed to find out as much as I could to feel some level of control. He is withholding less than he believes and it’s fascinating seeing the shock on his face and confusion.

However - the mantra is - he made a choice, I did not make him cheat
I am worthy of more and I will get to the other side - stronger and more in touch with myself than ever before

Ultimately my ‘revenge’ is to live my life well and to thrive. One day down the line at a wedding or a christening he’s going to look and think - she’s happy, thinner,( no more big diners being served up) she’s used some expensive products on herself, and at least 1.5 decades younger than that old dear I ran of with …….. wonder if she fancies me????
If there is a significant other with me - great but it’s not a necessity

‘ in the end only three things matter
how much you loved
how gently you lived
and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you’
Buddha

The letting go gracefully will come when I have finished the info finding haha

Oh I love that Buddha quote

Great to hear that you are doing well and organising yourself. Your future is looking good without that baggage. I really hope that you are proud of yourself and enjoy those holidays!

You're amazing @Gingerloaf - despite the shock and distress you have suffered. I have no doubt that your posts will give wisdom, strength and courage to other people who find themselves in the same situation and find your thread.

Every happiness to you. xx

Bless you op. Your life has been shattered and you are drawing on everything you have to get through it.

You are an inspiration. Mostly relationships are the same. It’s a shame he has thrown away everything after such a long time notwithstanding the impact in the wider family either.

There’s nothing to say to make it easier but do keep drawing on wisdom - I like the serenity prayer. Have the courage to change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the things you can’t change (it’s something like that)

good luck 🤞

You are an inspiration

Loving your positivity and your updates OP