Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

I second fannyfiggs' award. Gingerloaf YOU ROCK LADY. Rest assured we have your back from all corners.

I don't in any way love what you are going through, but oh do I love your posts. Witty, wise and reflective. Such strength despite all the turmoil and shock of all that is happening to you. Glad that you keep us updated, I am just a stranger on the internet but I have such a strong sense of your magnificent personality and courage. When I read your posts I also get sudden memories of the pathetic, nasty and downright stupid behaviour of my long ago ex. I had one when reading your latest up date. I had asked my ex to have our young child for the day as I had no childcare and had to go to work. I was at the time, holding down two jobs as ex had ceased to pay child support because he had gone on to have two more and soon to be three children with the woman he left me for and said he couldn't afford it . He refused to care for our child saying to me " I am not your baby sitter" . Where do they get the nerve to come out with all this utter brazen crap, I couldn't , I would feel ashamed if I had a child and did not provide for it nor facilitate the other parent earning money. They have such front, it is like yours suddenly miraculously no longer snoring, which doubtless was all your fault. Keep going, cheering you on

You are all very kind - I had a snooze on the sofa because it’s exhausting dealing with the changes that need to be made and juggling the communication from H - which varies

The last three posts have been so uplifting- don’t think I have had this love / support in my life. I truly believe that we find strength in our numbers and our empathy. We are the opposite tribe to the OW who have no shame and lure men to their fates - because whilst he made his choices ( again and again) a predatory female ( older than him!! And way older than me) honed in on him and turned his head. No concern, no shame ….., but them her council tax was 25% below what it will be!!!!

I did see him today and he doesn’t look like the man I knew - perhaps the magnitude is dawning on him. He is seriously freaked out by calm, normal interaction - like we both time travelled to the time before this happened. We had a cup of tea and a one point he picked mine up and I gently said - steady on, that’s a bit forward. He even laughed ( not a belly laugh but one of those we have been together so long it’s an in joke laugh)

He didn’t comment on the fact I have moved the furniture, changed the pictures, moved the accessories that make a home - but I think it hit home that I ain’t weeping and wailing. I have not taken to my bed with a touch of the vapours

Many, many thanks for your kindness and ‘praise’ - such strong, powerful and good women ( big assumption there but no offence if your not a gal )

Will update in a bit - as again worried about too outing

Hooray @Gingerloaf, glad he is seriously freaked out by your strength and calm, you have been amazing. How very civilised to have a normal cup of tea with him, not sure I could. Taking a nap is good for you and to be encouraged 😀 💐

@AdmittowearingCrocs - the tea and biscuits is civilised but also a reminder that we had an ease and compatibility. Perhaps it’s arch manipulation but it’s designed to gently say - this is what we had and this is what you lost. Each little reminder pushing him towards a greater realisation of the magnitude.

Don't get me wrong - we are done.
It must be unsettling for OW when he returns - how did it go? What was she like? Is she still being awful to you, you poor love?
But the image he left with is calm and familiar. It will kill things faster than a screaming banshee begging for another chance.

And then we will talk about how we navigate our shared but separate future of family events - the good and the bad

Oh OP, you will thrive.
Very similar happened to one of my sporting friends. She admits now that she would never have dreamed of divorcing her quite selfish husband because of the upset it would cause her grown children and anyway they had rubbed along fairly well.

But his shock affair with a younger woman made her divorce him quickly and she accepted the selling of their lovely home and garden.
With 3 years he was diagnosed with a life changing illness and OW was gone in a flash.
She firmly told her children who queried about helping Dad recover that whilst she wished him the best, his care was nothing whatsoever to do with her though she wished him well.
He was in rehab and now is in assisted living/care home whilst she lives her best life.
She feels she was given a second chance of a much better life by his affair and is very grateful.

@Gingerloaf I completely agree about showing him what he has thrown away. He needs to be reminded how good he had it before his tomfoolery, and I hope it leaves him somewhat bewildered at his actions. When he has no drama to report back to the OW, it will show her that she has not won and you remain strong.
Sending support and a mumsnet hug. 🍷

@Goldcushions2 - many friends have given me such tales of karma or whatever it is. It seems we do reap what we sow.

@AdmittowearingCrocs - not sure I can fathom the OW and it’s wasted energy. If she wasn’t unsettled by meeting the wife - who is younger than him and looking pretty good that occasion- she has a brass neck. And as she clambers into bed with him - for now she believes she hit the jackpot. She doesn’t have kids and I reckon when our DC rock up onto the scene - shit will fly as H adores his DC and he will feel deeply that he has lost a connection to them because of her.

But - all I can do is look after me.

OP you rock and sound amazing....and of course will have bouts of grief...but you keep doing you. Live your life to the best...*uck 'em! 😊

@Gingerloaf I've been quietly following. What great support here from some very sound women. I just wanted to say that you are doing so well, power to you.

I really do wonder how the DC will treat these decrepit lovebirds… I can’t imagine they’re going to be supportive and welcome her as a “bonus mum” or entertain any delulu maternal fantasies she may have.

There is a certain type of man that late in life just cannot resist risking everything for their ego.
They do drop a bomb in family life without a doubt, and it can be surprisingly shocking for adult kids that are genuinely appalled.

The big mistake men make IMO is completely overestimating their value and the loyalty they engender.
When you have been married a long time and have a family together their is a loyalty thatwomaen feel even if the marriage isn't a soul mate union.

In my experience I don't know of a single woman in her 60's walking away from a long marriage.
I do however know of quite a number of surprise divorces that came about because old fools had their heads turned.

The women have all been revelations and it has been much commented upon.
They continued their lives and are success living them, albeit in much smaller houses.....but that can be a blessing too.
Funnily enough I have heard the coment that "she is grieving her beautiful garden/house as much if not more than the marriage".

Not one of the new relationships survived and for the men their deteriorating health often caused their sudden demise.
Some absolutely made attempts of reconciliation as much as 5 years later but none was entertained.
More than one of them has found themselves in far more difficult circumstances because they are without a caring carer wife.
Their children are all very busy with young children and jobs and simply not available at all.
The men hugely over estimated the loyalty of others whilst displaying none of it themselves.
Karma indeed.

Oh and regarding how their children view them?
Daughters are so disappointed and DIL are even less impressed.
Sons can definitely feel a bit of sympathy for the old fools.
None are bending themselves out of shape to step in and take up the responsibilities their mothers held, that's for sure.

@Gingerloaf My ex left for a much older (new) widow. She said she was "entitled to happiness" and I was "standing in her way". The absolute brass neck of these shitty women is astounding.

It'll be interesting to see how your OW reacts to your children. Frankly, I am glad they are older. "My" OW insisted ex chose her over our very young child and now my son has zero contact with his father. Speaks volumes about him too. I wonder if your OW will feel threatened by them. I've seen that happen a lot. Your husband is so stupid. You, on the other hand, will have so much to look forward to

@Goldcushions2 - very true
i I have just spoken with a friend who is involved in the hobbies / activities people do when retired
She commented upon ( this maybe a stereotype but …) how single / widowed women behave in these groups towards any young man. Like they are reliving their teenage years. I can appreciate that someone who loses their husband must feel lonely and a bit of flirtatious behaviour adds a bit of a pep to their step - my silly H has fallen for this
and smashed a relationship of nearly 40 years.

Everyone says sit back and wait for it to implode - as it will but in the meantime whilst I am trying to look after myself it’s hard

@TheFormidableMrsC
Neither DC wants anything to do with him and are keeping him at arms length. It’s clear when I see him and mention the kids that he is missing this. Older DC I think have a different take on the world and ain’t going to be fooled anytime soon.

He will have to see them separately

and yes, she is quite a bit older than him and probably did think - grieving over time to have some fun

So much I would like to say in here but it’s too outing.
Think of some ‘old people’ stereotypes- such as food and pets and activities- that is his life now

Been following this post, you're doing so well and if I was ever in this situation I'd hope I'd handle it just as well as you.
Only one I disagree with and my friend and I often disagree about this, but it's only my opinion, no facts to it.
The OW owed you nothing, your husband is to blame here.
I feel blaming someone who teased is not at fault as your hubby should never have turned his head.

But this is in no way a personal attack. I fully admire you for how you've handled this & 100% agree calm gets a better result than a screaming banshee 😍

@Gingerloaf thank you for your updates. I am very aware that this is your real, actual life, and it cannot be much fun - but it does gladden my heart to read of your strength, wisdom and resolve.

It is very sad for your DC. They must feel as if the world has violently shifted beneath their feet. I know that if one of my parents had done this to the other then I would struggle to forgive them, or even tolerate being in their company. But this is entirely his fault. He has brought this on himself entirely. I hope the OW was worth it (almost undoubtedly not).

Do you think he's going to make a concerted effort to grovel and come back (armed with tears, contrition and sh-tty flowers)?

I don't know what goes on in some men's minds. A while ago, one of my best friend's husbands did something similar to this. He announced (on Christmas Eve, noble champion that he was) to his wife of 20+ years that he had been having an affair with a 19 year-old OW. Totally matter-of-fact about it, as if he was commenting on something he'd picked up in Sainsbury's that day. He was utterly baffled as to why she reacted by throwing a dinner plate at him. He genuinely couldn't understand why the new young lady couldn't move into their lovely big family home for them all to live together as one happy unit. Awful. And they had two lovely little children, one of whom was very profoundly disabled, who he thought would delight in the prospect of having "two mummies". Even much later, when the shocks, hurts and fallout had subsided somewhat, he remained completely uncomprehending of why they couldn't all have been one blended happy family. He was an intelligent man. I cannot fathom why they think like this.

Although, to be fair, I haven't got a willy, so perhaps that's why my bafflement persists. If that's the chief organ of contemplation then it possibly explains it.

I hope you manage to have a good weekend @Gingerloaf . Much love and respect to you. x

I hope he chokes on his kidney pudding, is allergic to cats and trips over his feet at bowls. Or golf. Or both.

@PolePrince55 I totally disagree with you. If you KNOW a man is married and has children, then you are 100% responsible for having the self awareness to know that you don't get involved, you don't sleep with him and you don't pander to his midlife crisis. Worse, this OW knows the OP. Similar happened to me, offering me a shoulder to cry on while shagging my husband. They are BOTH equally to blame for the absolute life changing horror they inflict on the innocent party. Despicable excuses for human beings, all of them. Without exception, and I've had cancer, the worst trauma I have ever had to deal with. Please don't minimise her role in this.

He's got what he truly deserves. What a bloody idiot. I am glad your kids have got your back here.

@TheFormidableMrsC I disagree with @PolePrince55 too- whilst yes it's all on the partner- maybe some women need to think what it is about their total lack of giving a shit about others caught up in this and yes I would be thinking very nasty things about them too and happily spread the word- yes H is a total shit- she is too - if you are unhappy then leave and take up new relationships at that point.

@PolePrince55 - I agree with you actually

I was describing the arena he entered and how easily it was for him to think wow - but this is totally on him
He crossed the line and did so time and time again

Its a tricky balance between the dangerous behaviour of some and the stupidest of others
but I have no doubts who I blame. Suggesting it’s only on her gets him off the hook

Perhaps I didn’t explain that the group are predominantly woman and having met them he must have been love bombed - if anything my take is a cautionary one of what the new chapter of retirement brings

With the greatest of respect, that is a horribly lazy stereotype, usually foisted upon us by women who are insecure in their own relationships, and stupid men who think we are fair game for inappropriate behaviour. Most of my single friends and the three other widows that I know are actually not interested in pursuing relationships, and certainly aren't about to go chasing young men in order to relive our teenage years.

Christ, it's like going back to the 50s - do you really think older single women and widows are so desperate for male attention that they act like you describe?

SOME women might. Those women might be married, single, old or young. They tend to stay the same throughout their lives. Don't lump everyone into the same category, ffs.

The single women I know have zero interest in new relationships.
Those that were married and widowed have zero interest in a replacement.
They all have very full lives themselves and are not stuck for company.
Taking on the personal habits of another older man in close quarters is not for the faint hearted if what i have read on MN is anything to go by!