Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

@Needhelp101 - you are spot on about Chumplady

Its good to dip into to keep me positive and forward looking - I like the phrase ‘nothing says fuck off more loudly than silence’

and if you ever meet the OW use the phrase ‘surely you know what I think of you’

Excellent and empowering advice - highly recommend

for all those worried he’s a criminal mastermind, he really isn’t
I can relate to this OP, my experience is that men* tend to have an implicit assumption that women aren't capable of being strategic/logical and so wont be able to out manoeuvre them.
Furthermore, since women are subordinate we do not merit the effort which would be required to mastermind anything on account of us. Defeating a woman should be a walk in the park, he wont even need to break his stride, etc.

(*not all men, and women may also exhibit similar traits)

How are things going @Gingerloaf? Hope you are doing OK.
Best wishes to you. x

Things are up and down - thank you for asking.

I am enjoying a few ‘wins’ - contacted the council re single occupancy which means a 25% reduction in council tax. Which he left me with. They asked for his new address, said I didn’t know and so I mentioned her name and approx place she lives. Bingo they found her address ( which obviously they couldn’t share) and she will be receiving a letter re no longer having single occupancy. I would love to be a fly on the wall when that letter gets there

I salute the lovely lady at the council who totally got my situation and did all she could on my behalf- with an added extra of revenge being served via the council tax
Some of the banks however have been worse than bloody useless with my need to sort etc - one woman on a bank phone thing asked me to calm down when bloody online banking numbers were not being identified. They really need to get their act together re circumstances like this.

Perhaps a thread re - online / phone people who get that life sucks and do their best to help and then those who have so much bureaucracy it’s a nightmare

**
Bingo they found her address ( which obviously they couldn’t share) and she will be receiving a letter re no longer having single occupancy. I would love to be a fly on the wall when that letter gets there

Love this! 😈

Go gingerloaf!

The lady at the council office needs a Mumsnet shout out for being an all round amazing human.

She needs to make an appearance to pick up her women helping women award 😁❤️

👑🏆

@Gingerloaf so good to hear you had a win. Would love to see her face when the letter arrives. Consequences of actions 🤣🤣

That sounds like a great idea for a thread. Glad you are doing OK, though sorry about the sarky f---wit on the bank line; that's patronising to you and not called for.

I too would take quiet satisfaction at the Council's actions - good on that lady you spoke to! Play sh-t games; win sh-t prizes - jackpot to the OW. And the council won't be able to let on how they found out. Any number of people could have spotted/reported it. Some neighbours of my DM's got into trouble over their council tax when disgruntled bin-men complained that they were repeatedly faced with more rubbish on bin days than what was normal for the size of the property. Generally, the council tax is administered by the same council that sorts the bins. Departments talk. 😉

Every best wish to you. You're marvellous. x

Big grin on my face reading this, chickens are coming home to roost at warp speed

I am glad you all appreciated how the universe is sending little pockets of love

I mention in in case others are unaware of single occupancy etc
Its also a salutary tale of ‘don’t shit on your own doorstep’

I am hearing from more and more people he reached out to that they are not returning his texts - as they say, no response is a response

Penny may well be dropping, down at the love nest

Go you!!

40 years...what an idiot he was to throw it all away.

its hard for adult kids, they have an image of their adult lives and relationship with their parents. Thats all been turned upside down. Its destabilising.

you are doing so well, im impressed how confident you are and what great friends you have.

I'm glad you have a good career, it definitely helps.

my Ex was at great pains to tell everyone I'd be lost without him & that's why he had delayed leaving me for fear I'd do something stupid. My best friend (who he'd had a bit of a thing for - never acted on, just thought she was amazing) laughed in his face & told him not to be such a deluded, egotistical fuckwit (and she NEVER swears) & that I had more strength in my little finger than his wet self could ever muster.

wish I'd been there to see him so damned by her!

keep moving strength to strength!!

Revenge by Council Tax - love it!

All power to your elbow gingerloaf.

At one point H told me sleeping with her has cured his snoring

I said call the Vatican - it’s a miracle

My god, what a wanker.

But your answer was perfect 😂

@Gingerloaf, you’re a bloody marvelous woman. You’re a fantastic role model to many women on here. I almost feel sorry (but not quite!) for your left bollock of an ex.

WTABLH!?!?!

(What the actual bloody-lovin hell)

The OW is lying I suspect

You go girl 😂😂😂

You are awesome.

Is she deaf by any chance? Does she take her hearing aids out at night???

I wonder if your lovely council lady might share the OW’s address? I might send my DH her way. He struggles terribly with his CPAP machine and his snoring is legendary.
I bet you are revelling in the schadenfreude knowing that his snoring must be keeping her awake at night @Gingerloaf

The snoring cure is likely to be utter bollocks - I suspect the widow is so enamoured with her new found bed companion that she is telling him all sorts to keep him believing that he has found Nirvana with her. Which suggests to me all is not well in the love nest

And yes I did wonder if in terms of saving the nation re snoring @Fraaahnces all gentlemen ( and maybe some ladies) could form an orderly queue at her front door.
Its all baloney- a desperate need by him to convince me he is having a better time and a desperate attempt by her to keep him

However - when I see him it’s clear there is an awakening happening and reality dawning - and they don’t know about the council
tax yet

I remain sad for what has been ( and no doubt will have bad days - birthday, Xmas etc ) but the possibilities for the future are varied and that’s exciting
He made his choices time and time and time again - now I get to make mine. Remembering I was lied to, actively deceived and in a public way humiliated. Life is too damn short to let someone ( even if you love them) do that to you.

Thank you for your continued support

@Gingerloaf I crown you the most dignified, composed, proud, graceful and beautiful queen that's ever been 👑 wear this crown with pride and when you have an off day, straighten your crown and remember who you are ❤️

desperate need by him to convince me he is having a better time and a desperate attempt by her to keep him

Yep, you’ve got this 100% correct OP!! It is any desperate attempt to make you feel lesser. You are not lesser you’ve proven through this thread what a wonderful strong person you are. Perhaps they feel uneasy because of your composure, maybe you’ve not reacted how they expected, perhaps she’s worried he’s not the catch she thought if you’re not fighting for him.

I remain sad for what has been ( and no doubt will have bad days - birthday, Xmas etc ) but the possibilities for the future are varied and that’s exciting

You will of course. It’s only natural when you’ve shared a life to reminisce about the good times, perhaps with rose tinted glasses sometimes, but I’m pleased you are also excited about your future, you should be.

Life is too damn short to let someone ( even if you love them) do that to you.

Again, you’ve got this 100% spot on too! It is too short and you deserve better than someone else’s used goods when he might come crawling back. If not, you will be better, believe in that. A new chapter begins!