Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Perhaps your thread title should be amended to "DH now blindsided by Gingerloaf"

🤣

@Gingerloaf thank you for your updates. I am at the slightly younger end of the MN middle-aged average - I really hope that this doesn't sound patronising, as that isn't my intent. But - if you were my mum dealing with all of this, I would be so, SO proud of you. ❤️

It can't be easy, actually it must be sickeningly grim. You are magnificent in how you're dealing with all of this.

I am sure you're right - he probably does want you to kick off and go absolutely postal on him. Then he could point and go "See?! See what I've had to put up with...?". I bet that's why he cancelled the TV sub, to try and engineer a reaction like that. It's brilliant that you are not giving him the satisfaction of that petty "victory".

I'm sure you've already thought of this, but have you changed your WiFi password at home? If not, I'd do this pronto, just so that he can't log in and diddle with it/lock you out when he next pops around (plus it will annoy him if he can't text OW from the loo at your place, hehe).

I know that this is real life for you and not a form of online entertainment at all. But I think you are absolutely fantastic.

Every good wish to you. x

This is awful, I'm so sorry. I've been there.

On a practical level, your biggest risk is him playing Johnny Big Balls with all of your joint finances and you can only divide what is left. I would suggest googling a form e and look at gathering as many of the documents for you and him as you can (pensions, mortgage, house value etc). It is also easier while he has left the house as hopefully you can still access everything. If you have this, it will make things easier with your solicitor.

It is truly horrible that after the mess he has made, you end up with the admin and it is totally unfair. I'm sorry.

On an emotional level, he has behaved dispicibly, please don't believe anything that he has told you about you also please don't feel that you need to move on to be healthy. Take the time, reset, be with friends who care rather than are curious and take care of you. Would definitely recommend counselling if you can. It is the best thing that I ever did.

Good luck.

@REP22 you are most kind and not patronising
We live in a world in which my generation of women ( sounds old but I was young when punk hit the scene and I never lost my love for it ) have had to fight. We have put up with shit for ages from the world and the messages that say ‘bulky pee pants’ and ‘dry vagina’ is all we have to look forward to ( I know some women suffer but we have way more support when our grannies did) Honestly it’s not true - we ain’t dead yet.

Someone sent me the following

‘Strong women aren’t simply born. We are forged through the challenges of life. With each challenge we grow mentally and emotionally. We move forward with our head held high and a strength that cannot be denied.
A woman who’s been through the storm and survives - we are warriors ‘

I loved that quote
My role models growing up were Debbie Harry, Poly Styrene ( check her out) Siouxsie Sioux, Christie Hinds - they carved a path in a man’s world and were strong. I have been told all my life I am too much, too clever, too quick and always right - frankly I am done with providing for others and cracking on whilst lesser mortals go for a shag ( yes one day I was cutting the bloody grass and the hedges whilst he was out )

Never be afraid to speak your mind as long as you treat others with kindness and love.
And what has come from this - is this thread and a wave of love from friends.

Stay strong young woman because life will throw you curve balls - but you will cope

@fishingoutofthewater all you mention is in hand, hence the pauses between updates but it is kind of you to remind me.

Thank you for your kind words - at a younger age I would have worried more about what everyone was thinking but not so much these days. I know I may hit a brick wall as this situation drags on but I have some lovely gay men who are totally convinced they can show me a good time ( 🤔) and I bet they will in a most fabulous way.

Taking each day at a time and looking after me!

You are bloody wonderful. I was so young when this happened to me, in my 20's with a 7 month old baby and he had gone off with someone he worked with (why are they so unoriginal?) and told me it was my fault as I had become "boring" and only talked about the baby. He also told me he had only married me because he felt sorry for me!. I think that the energy of youth helped me cope and having a totally dependant little one stopped me from crumbling. I had to get up and get on with it. What I learnt was that financial independence is vital, good friends are essential and to never ever share my home with a man again. I had other relationships but never got financially entangled or had any of them live with me. My front door, my keys, my space. Thinking of you and cheering you on. Yes, there will be down days, I still feel that in a sense I lost my past as I see my young years that I spent with him through a different lens but I have built other memories and had plenty of adventures .

I hope you are strutting round your house shouting "Oh Bondage Up Yours!"

What paperwork did he try to hide? It might help OP to know.

Mine definitely tried the "oh you're showing your true colours now" thing. About a month after he left, my dad had a heart attack and needed surgery. He refused to have the very young kids for an extra weekend so I could be there and support my mum. I shouted, really yelled at him for literally the first time ever and he threw that comment at me as though I'd been this screaming banshee for years. I didn't even swear, just was begging him not to be so selfish. That became a story of me screaming abuse at him for daring to leave me.

@Pratincole - bloody hell I have truly found my tribe I also love singing ‘Identity’ really loudly

Last night I blasted Depeche Mode Enjoy the silence and Japan Quiet Life ( and those lyrics have a different meaning now)

@HebburnPokemon - hidden nothing

I really don’t want to say too much here - nothing hidden, that’s how unthought through it is.

Many of you are being kind but I promise you I have the upper hand - I really can’t explain as when this happens to you, you become paranoid about who you are speaking to and what they know. I doubt OW is on here but I am not wanting to give away too much detail - that’s another post when all is said and done in the future. For now it’s my every day experience.

I know an emotional crash will come and apparently my friend said I am not nearly as angry as I will be - which could result in fireworks

You have to recognise in life what’s worth getting het up and what’s worth banking for a later moment.

Please understand - and I thank you for all those worried he’s a criminal mastermind, he really isn’t

@Gingerloaf great music taste!!

@BibbleandSqwauk
You sound amazing and like so many women stood firm and tall for your little one

Ultimately these men are insecure and lacking in emotional intelligence.

Don’t give him another thought.

I agree you have no idea who we are and who is reading and not typing.

and apparently some threads even come up on Google.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
exactly - this is a good site for us to vent but lazy journalism and all means most people are wary if being outed

Best piece of advice i was given when i kicked my ex husband out was remember he knows you and knows how you will react so shock him and do the opposite, if he thinks you will shout, smile, if he thinks you will go to pieces, cope . It will drive him mad.

Oh that takes me back to nights out at the Cats Whiskers when I was teen OP! I maintain that the late 70’s early 80’s were the best years for music ever - from pop to punk to ska & mod to hip-hop. Get those tunes blasting girl!

Thank you @Gingerloaf ❤

Great people to look up to and great quotes. I'm sure there is much good still to come for you, which doesn't feature bulky pee-pants, a need for Vagisil or syrup of figs.

Another quote that I like is from Eleanor Roosevelt -

"A woman is like a tea bag. You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water".

You're definitely much more Fortnum's Royal Blend than Typhoo One-Cup! 😉

Every good wish to you. x

@Gingerloaf , I absolutely loved Japan back in the day ❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP, I don't think it's hyperbole to say that you will soar like Fawkes the phoenix when you are through all the awfulness.

My own particular dickhead had a 2 year affair with someone I considered a pretty close friend but didn't even have the decency to run off with her once everything came to light!

Anyway, it's a baptism of fire but I have no doubt you'll be fine. Reach out to your good friends (not the false ones who shag your husband). You've got this.

@almondflake - I still love Japan, but the lyrics have a different meaning now

I love David Sylvian's voice.

@Needhelp101 - wow 2 years

There is a special place in hell for women who listen the ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’

Thank you for your kind words - I think I will be ok, eventually. As someone said we have to take life as it comes to us.

@Gingerloaf yes, you will be. Have a read of the Chumplady book/website, it explains so much.