Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

@Gingerloaf ❤️

@Fraaahnces - fabulous analogy

And who doesn’t love a pair of red shoes??

@Fannyfiggs - I nearly spat my morning tea out over that one 😂
Hilarious

Honestly folks - the humour and support is legendary. Not sure why we are not running the world.
I look back on these comments when I need a pep up and to keep me focused on the grey rock, the future and my self worth.

Its putting the right sort of love back in the world x

I always knew I was the stronger one in our relationship, even though he was the big I am and abusive towards me. I didn't realise quite how little control I had of my life until my marriage was over and I started to become myself again. @Gingerloaf your zen ticket story has reminded me of those times I found myself doing things without a thought or a fear, where I felt that the someone I had never known was in there was coming out 💪. You will ride high on that memory, it will be with you forever and it will also give you strength when you're needing it

The happiest, longest-lived demographic are women who never married
@Fraaahnces it's difficult not to conclude that for the most part men are like vampires who suck the life force out of us.

I love your zen ticket story...keep going OP. What a petty minded twat to cancel the TV sub. Yeah, that'll teach you too.....er....not beg him to come back? Cry? Tell him you can't life without him?? You can imagine the little fantasy he has being ruined by you strong capable woman, damn you!!

He’s just been here and at one point left the toilet seat up - and I thought that’s one thing I won’t miss and frankly I bet she’s not impressed either. But not my circus, not my monkey!

what did he come for ? and to stay so long he needed the toilet.

You suddenly see all these things in a different way (leaving the toilet seat up routinely) once you realise just what a jerk the ex is, don't you? Best wishes @Gingerloaf

I knew the scales were starting to tip when he came to pick up some stuff and his stomach made a weird gurgling sound I had never heard before. It was him holding a fart in.

I just can't get over the wording here... 'seeing someone'. What gives him the f*ing right! You don't get to 'see people' when you are married with kids!!

OP, I hope you are in a better headspace a week on and have a good support system.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I experienced this with my ex husband.
Someone else mentioned the Vikki Stark book- highly recommend it. I read in the few days afterwards, it explains all the common behaviours.

My advice is to get the legal stuff in process as soon as possible (whilst he feels guilty). Get a separation agreement.

Sending love, you will be ok, I promise xx

Marking 'his' former territory, no doubt.

I'd suggest you do a bit of forensic research going back a while on your joint finances. Sorry OP, but no way has he left you for a two month fling. That's been planned for a while.

I agree with this. Not everything needs to be a fight and it’s better for your finances if you can keep your cool.
If you can try to agree everything yourselves financially, you’ll save a lot of money.

How absolutely brilliant OP, that's fabulous.
Hope that memory gives you strength when you are down and need an extra boost.

I may have missed it but what has happened with your holiday? Is it just money lost or have you been able to cancel/rearrange and salvage something?

I don't know why but these things often seem to happen in the run up to a holiday. Remember Robin Cook dumping his wife at the airport? Though obviously the press being about to publish news of his affair was the trigger in that case, along with a bit of manipulation from Alistair Campbell.

The day Alistair Campbell killed my marriage to Robin Cook
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-467835/The-day-Alistair-Campbell-killed-marriage-Robin-Cook.html?ito=nativesharee_article-nativemenubutton

A good friend was in the run up to a trip to hike in the Himalayan foothills as a tenth anniversary celebration when she got dumped.
I suppose it's horrible whenever it happens but somehow it's the icing on the cake when they have been going along with excited plans for a big trip, paying out £££ in advance etc and then pull the rug at the last minute.

I hate thinking of Christmas before December but i think you should book a luxurious hotel for you and your children and have a completely new style of Christmas that doesn't involve any work on your part and well away from the ghost of Christmas past.

I do agree to gingerloaf keeping her cool but the comments about 'slander' are nonsense. The law of defamation is very hard to prove and one has to have very deep pockets. I've been there.
You are entitled to your opinion of your ex husband. He broke your contract of marriage not you.
I hope you are keeping your strength up and planning a great future. As per my previous post I'd be on Rightmove.😁

And I am sure OW will lose patience with the mug being left on the top of the dishwasher, the wet towel on the floor, the constant need for an ego boost etc

All this and more. It's really delusional for both of them to think there's a happy ever after, if either of them actually does. If DH died, I can't imagine wanting to take on another man of my age knowing that I will have to get used to a new person's habits, likes, dislikes etc, that there will inevitably be totally new things that I find irritating (and vice versa), let alone having to go back to having the loo seat left up, washing his pants and all the rest of it - and being aware that, as we both age, it will be downhill from now on.

I hope for the widow's sake that she has taken good care to protect her interest in her home. I wonder if she would be as attractive to him if she didn't have that?

I always felt Campbell did Robin Cook's wife a massive favour. Her marriage was about to blow up anyway as the papers had found out about his mistress, and Margaret Cook was saved from all the dithering and pressure to pretend to be supportive while her life was imploding.

OP I’m sorry this has happened to you - just be prepared for the next stage which will be him trying to work his way back in at some point saying he’s made a mistake and that he was going through some kind of crisis… I say be prepared for it because it will give you great satisfaction to tell him you don’t want him back. Also, women who pursue or become involved with other women’s husbands knowing they are married are trash, but they will forever be living with the knowledge that if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. Meanwhile OP, go live your best life - do all the things you enjoy with zero guilt, get out and meet new people (I don’t necessarily mean romantic relationships just make some really good friends) but also take time to be on your own and process what’s happened because it’s a lot to deal with emotionally. And make sure you’re taking care of yourself and eat at least once per day (I say this cos ppl get knotted up and go off food at times like this and it’s easy to go a few days without eating without realising it). Also remain dignified as you have done so far - don’t stoop to his level. Holding your head up high is your best revenge right now. Best of luck and come back in a year or so and tell us how you’re being treated like a queen by an amazing guy (or gal, whatever floats your boat) and that your ex hubby is either living in a grotty bed sit after the mistress threw him out or he’s up to his knees in nappies cos she had to have kids!

That was a real rabbit hole on Robin Cook.

I think she was well rid of him and very generous towards him in her writing after he died, especially regarding Iraq.

Had to believe it's all nearly 30 years ago😱

Very true @Marseillaise

She was so out of his league and well rid frankly.

Well said

Crikey Robin Cook - that’s a blast from the past!

I have read the posts and can’t answer all individually but suffice to say - it’s not me looking for a fight, but when he asks a testy question he gets zip, when he texts I screen shot as he has deleted some, when he texts a question that is possibly angsty I turn the phone off and look after myself - I have had a lifetime of answering questions on the spot ( we all have that where they think you are the fountain of knowledge until you say something they don’t like)
The wait and the over thinking is killing him

The advice I had at the beginning ( which I slightly ignored in the first 24 hours) was don’t act in haste, don’t respond to goading and stay calm. It’s actually become interesting to see how he is responding to not being ‘mothered’ anymore.
I think he wanted me to ‘kick off’ in the beginning- because in a weird way he could understand that. Calm and slightly bored gingerloaf who will push back with reasons why he is paying for certain stuff - is so far working a treat