Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

And so far he is sticking to the script re telling the kids I was a nag etc

If he was unhappy in the marriage he could have ended the relationship, nothing stopping him from leaving, being honest - instead he had an affair.

Many on here will tell you to get your ducks in a row, not sure that it does any good. What I would suggest is not worrying about his snoring or what she thinks, don't waste your energy - concentrate on you. Make a list of all the things you want to do, from visiting Snowdian to going to Rome, swimming with dolphins etc

If you know you don't want him back, then plan your future. You may well find that he comes back asking if he can return - many find the grass isn't so green - so be prepared for that event.

he is retired, so well passed midlife

@Gingerloaf Late to the thread but just wanted to say that it was my HB's affair that led to me finding this site. I felt so supported. That was in 2010 and still I read of this happening to others on here and the script is always the same. To give you a laugh, when I was traded in for a woman who looked so like me you wouldn't believe he said - 'Let's face it BedisBliss, you're 42 and she's 24, it's a no-brainer'. people asked me how to spot the signs of an affair and I said - 'when he starts trimming his topiary and buying his own underwear.' The pain but now, years later, I am so happy and thankful it ended. I am sending you all the love and strength I can and assure you that you will be much happier when you come out the other side.

@Gingerloaf my ex also had the audacity to introduce me to the OW together with our then 2 month old ds! I did pull him up on how 'friendly' he was with her as she was his PA - how he must have laughed. We did get on OK and she asked me about exdh's habits. Exdh was not impressed when I told her how lazy he was!
He didn't tell me about the affair, I accidentally found a hidden email folder about a year later. Unfortunately he didn't leave me for her and didn't become my exdh for another 18 years!

@Justkeepingplatesspinning mine actually asked me to look at OW's divorce settlement to make sure it was in order! (I was working as a legal ex at the time)

He spoke about this woman and even had me meet her at an event

The cheeky twat! This also shows utter contempt and disrespect for you so remember that if he tries to come crawling back.

I agree with boxing up his stuff and sending it to hers - keeps you in control and will probably send him (and her!) into a panic. He won’t like that and it negates the opportunity for him to keep “popping back” for this and that (and using it as an excuse to possibly mess with your head).
And think of all that nice extra wardrobe space 😆

There’s no fool like an old fool is there?

You however sound marvellous and like my kinda girl - you’re going to be absolutely fine I can tell.

Make sure none of your money goes into the joint account. Open the separate personal account going forward.

Sorry you are going through this!

My sister's ex was having an affair with one of her friends; they actually socialized as couples!

She found out later that he and she often met at a small local pub where my sister also was well known. She was sort of angry afterward that the barman and servers treated her like normal, even as they knew he was bringing his affair partner in on alternate days. The happy couple also had a rented flat they used as their "love nest" and it had been going on for two years when my sister caught on.

She divorced him quickly (they had been together 17 years, second marriage for each, he was a good deal older) and about a year later he had a stroke. So instead of the lifestyle she expected, the OW (whose husband also divorced her posthaste) is now the carer to a 70-something stroke victim, living in his house in the middle of nowhere. She's 55. They did get married so that she can inherit, but he had to be seated on a settee for the wedding; my sister is still really close to his adult kids and they showed her a few pix. Only 1 out of 4 of them even attended the wedding.

Meanwhile my sister bought a house in a nice village, has excellent neighbours, found out a former co-worker lived a few houses away so has a robust social life and is not out in the middle of nowhere helping him to the bathroom.

I am so sorry @Gingerloaf that this has happened and I'm glad that all these wonderful posters have been supporting and advising. I wish when my ex h announced an affair I had posted but I chose to stay and didn't want the judgement that would have come from a minority.

I am nine years down the line from that and two weeks divorced over something worse.

He lied to our eldest about what has happened and hasn't spoken to them properly since, he's been gone over a year.

The kids are young adults and have zero time for him. Sadly he has the same for them it seems. I've given up telling him what he needs to do.

If you file for divorce rather than him it is better. It's just under £600 and it means you can control the speed to a degree. You will need a solicitor for all the financials but not for the filing. But be careful not to do certain parts before all the financial stuff is sorted. It took me nine months from filing to being divorced.

I am sure you've had lots of practical advice as well so make sure you look after yourself. I didn't eat properly for nearly a year and made myself pretty ill. To go with the neurological damage he's caused me. But I'm free of him thank goodness.

Once again you lovely people you have picked me up at a moment of pondering.

Sorry I am not replying to individuals it would take ages but hope I thanked many if you.
Yeah he is starting the weirder shit re money and I fear I may loose out on a few bits - he has a warped sense of what his money is in the joint account but I am moving on that one and frankly there is nothing I can do until
pay day
Apparently he’s cancelled the tv online subscription- trying to make a point that he set it up etc etc Frankly I couldn’t give a flying fuck about this but there you go

So much if marriage is built on trust and clearly it’s been wiped and possibly along with the money - but weirdly I know that this will be clocked by the solicitor etc and taken into account or at the end of the day - reduced circumstances for me may be a reasonable price to pay for not having him in my life. I am not rich and not arrogant but I do think it’s only money ( please understand how that is meant - I have not got a horrible disease or diagnosis somethings in life are more important)

Its early days and I know this will
infold and many things will
come out of the woodwork - but with every day and every message I think fuck it, I am worth it.

Will check in again but so far I am looking after me
Everyone IRL is saying he will be back - but i wouldn’t pick him up with two shitty sticks

Ah sorry you’re going through this. What a shock . You’ve had excellent advice steady x

My ex was after some sort of weird menage a trois.

In his head he actually seemed to believe this was possible. That two women would be servicing his needs!

He eventually moved in with her but she changed her mind sharpish once the fun factor of doing it behind my back was removed from the scenario and he moved on again.

With him, I knew it was going on. I could have pinpointed the day he met her but I was ill and so was my elderly father and I had to just go with the flow.

I shafted him over the house though!

I'm sorry you are going through this.

This resonated with me. In the future ex h will be much better off than me and I was told to stay married until the money came in 🙄but that could be years and my MH is important. You'll know what is best. I might have less financially but I'm not married to him and have the children supporting me. That is more than priceless.

@Gingerloaf
It's you vs him now, you have to play to win, stay calm and play as dirty as you have to.

If similar happened to me @Gingerloaf , you would be my role model. Continue taking care of yourself.

What an inspirational woman you are. Despite the shock and sheer awfulness of what you are going through your strength and humour has shone through your posts. I truly hope that you go on to have a peaceful and fulfilling life without that man. As for him, well the less said the better. I always felt that no matter how thrilling an affair may be at the start it will always be diminished by the day to day demands of daily life.

You come across as such a formidable lady. We're all right here with you x

Looking at one of your posts reminded me of a dear friend, her Ex went out of his way to introduce her to his OW and he too thought that they could be friends. I do wonder if having been in your life for so long he can't imagine you being unavailable to him, that you'll get over your anger and you'll all have cozy trips out to the garden centre together? My friend's Ex expressed surprise when I was merely civil to him, rather than friendly- I took great pleasure in telling him that when a man betrayed my friend I became terribly unreasonable about it

Thank you all so much - I read my post back and realised my spelling was off and as for the grammar - WTAF

You have all boosted my ego and that is priceless
I will tell you a story…. This weekend I went to a well known comedy event and went with the idea of zen ticket. In other words point at something and buy it. Never heard of the guy no idea - they just said it was political satire
So off I went and they insisted we sit down from the front, bugger me I am on the front row. Anyhow - couldn’t help it I ended up in the show. And this guy was calling me awesome ( and I don’t think it was just banter) big round of applause from the audience. What an ego boost.
At the end I went to tell him and say he would never know the impact he had had on me - and told him why. He gave me a big hug and said H was a ‘fucking idiot’
I ve been on a high about that all day.

I am angry, humiliated ( this is lessening) and clear that I am done. But I now have the most wonderful zen story - and it’s telling me be yourself and go with the flow.
I am aware a brick wall will hit at some point and I will have good days and bad but at the moment I am more sure of what I want then I was this time last week - when ignorance was bliss.

OP, I’m so sorry. I’m going through exactly the same. Found out a week before you did. Also been married 25years. Have adult children.
I feel so shocked and dazed still. Everything is so scary now.

please PM me if you want a chat x

@Rocketman2 very sorry to hear this

Not sure there are words - other than go at your pace and I hope your kids are ok
I don’t think the adulterous parent has a clue what impact it has on adult children. It shatters their illusions - mine are gutted

Sending you my love and respect - you got this!

Oh so you was married for a long time. You was happy, he wasnt. Maybe mid life crisis. How devastating for you. I wonder is it just males who turn on their partners before leaving or is it universal. You must be in shock.

@Gingerloaf, thank you. You seem so strong. I’ve spent every day in tears. My kids are fuming. He’s telling them lies but thankfully they can see through them. I’m so lucky to have kids that have scooped me up and supported me. All the while he is alone.
He’s messaging them shitty messages trying to guilt them into throwing affection towards him. They did for a few days but now have stopped! He’s done himself no favours.
he’s in such denial!

You are becoming what I refer to as an everyday superhero, @Gingerloaf. You are rescuing yourself. Proving you don’t need a stupid Lycra disguise with fake muscles to get on with life. The happiest, longest-lived demographic are women who never married. I bet you can see why right now. Who needs the Cowardly Lion when there are so many sparkly red shoes?