He calls on every break!

[rantaroo]

Just looking for a little rant and other people's perspective

My partner gets three breaks a day at work and on every break he calls me. Don't get me wrong, it's endearing that he wants to speak to me on his breaks but we live together so I would much rather he has his day, I have mine and then we debrief over dinner or something!

So today he's got me on the phone as he's buying his lunch and I've stopped what I'm doing for what I felt was quite a "pointless" phone call. He then calls me when he's on his way home. I don't mind knowing he's on his way back but he finishes the same time every day so I'm like just speak to me when you get here!

I guess I'm finding it a bit frustrating that I'm stopping my day 4 times for these calls that I don't deem necessary, and then it takes me a moment to get back into the swing of whatever it was I was doing.

Am I totally over reacting or would this bug you too?!

That would drive me crazy.

it’s not endearing. It’s controlling and needy, neither of which are desirable qualities in a partner.

Phone on silent - work policy if he complains.
Normal people send a text/WhatsApp message so that you can choose when or if you reply.
Telephone calls are for dire emergencies only. The sort requiring emergency services.

This would annoy the heck out of me, but we’re all different. My sister and her husband barely go anywhere without each other and are in constant contact, so I guess it depends on you.

my ex partner used to call me everyday after work and talk for over an hour, unloading his whole day on me, it was so very exhausting after my own full work day and commute. I wish I had left him much earlier, he is a selfish, controlling, insecure and angry man.
But your partner might just be a bit needy or boring!

Where do you work? Office, WFH, etc

tell him your boss has noticed so unless the house is on fire then no more calls. Or you will call him if you can. He needs to go and find some colleagues to hang out with at break time and build some relationships so you have stuff to talk about. Eg you’ll never guess what J did today!! Otherwise you already know everything.

imagine when you’re retired and he literally has nothing to do and follows you everywhere

Ha, this reminds me of a woman I work with. Her partner calls a couple of times a day, sometimes 10 mins. But then sometimes it's a video call, headphones in while they're both working. As a manager, it drives me nuts. Not actually sure how to handle as from my perspective its not normal and she's not been with the company long.

Dated someone with autism who did this as sort of a reassurance thing. You could have the chat about how 'let's not chat every break, we won't have anything to say to eachother when we meet'. And he'd seem to get it, but a few days later it would start again. I had to end things, it was just too much.

Also worth noting that it could also be controlling behaviour as a means to tie you to your phone (aka him) and keep tabs on you.

Its not ok either way. Its a big red flag. Especially if you've said no to this but it continues.

Big worry to if you feel guilty for not picking up. That's you being conditioned to jump when he says to. It's not ok. Be your own person, not his sounding board.

This. It's both unattractively needy and controlling. I would bin a man like this so fast his head would spin.

Major red flag. When someone calls you multiple times a day, it is a way of control. My ex was like this and it eventually made me ill. I now hate phone calls and get bad anxiety every time my phone rings, to the point I will not answer private calls. Please nip this in the bud before you end up a nervous wreck like me. It started off as a feeling of endearment and ended up in an abusive relationship, in every sense of the word, but mostly manipulation and control.

My ex husband did something similar when we first started seeing each other and would get upset if I didn't answer the phone. We worked in the same town centre so it then progressed into him insisting on us driving to work together, meeting me for lunch every day and then driving me home again. Looking back the phone calls were the start of his coercive and controlling behaviour. I was too young and naive to realize what was going on until it got much, much worse and my independence was removed from me, along with isolating me and being violent towards me. All done very slowly and whilst making you feel like you are being the unreasonable one. This behaviour is a big red flag for me and I'd get out now if I were you.

I’m afraid that level of daily interruption would get on my nerves, and I think it’s getting on yours by the sound of it. You really should say something to him about the regularity of the calls - it’s almost as if he’s checking up on you, though you say he’s not used to being on his own all the time, so maybe it’s a lack of confidence on his part? I still think it’s too much, though, bordering on control and not healthy.
My SiL partner is similar, forever ringing her, (more than your partner rings you), asking her what’s she’s doing, even though it might only be half an hour since his last call. I’d find it irritating and annoying, and would have to say something.

Ask yourself, if he was in an accident tomorrow, how much would you be wishing to hear his voice just one more time? In the great big scheme of life, is it so bad that he wants to hear “your” voice.

In that case, recommend a book/show/podcast?

This is too much. You can text back can't talk right now. We talk when you back home, etc. I think is a bit controlling. Doesn't he have work colleagues to chat with? Or scroll social media I'd alone like anormal person😀

I read the original post but haven’t read the whole thread ( I will later) - but why the HELL are you picking up???

He sounds very controlling. Perhaps insecure? I would ask him to save the chat for the evening when you were together.

Tiresome OP.
How long have you let this go on?

Tell him you don’t want a phone call during the day as it disrupts what you are doing and you prefer the build up of waiting until you are face to face in the evening.

If you don’t mind a quick check in call at lunch time tell him that.

Sounds sweet but a no from me. We will message and call in evening if away from home. When both working I'm lucky to send a message as only lunchtime I have time to do it. X

Is it endearing or a means of isolating you by not allowing you time to even contact friends. This is how an abuser gains control.

I used to call my mum every lunchtime. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and probably ASD. Maybe he is on the spectrum and you’re his safe space so he can decompress.

It depends if the way he does it restricts everything you do or is it a genuine check-in. If you don’t answer what does he do?

Don’t write him off just yet. Xxx

My dh does this. And if I don't answer he always rings back a few minutes later because he says he always assumes I didn't answer because I was going to the toilet or something

Ask him to text you instead. That's what we do then I reply and he replies on his next break. We certainly text about three or four times 🤭

Explain to him as much as you like speaking with him you have work to do & him ringing is impacting what you're getting done. Tell him you can have a good catch up over dinner in the evenings when you're not working & can concentrate on your conversation.

My dh and I have been together over 25 years now and he still calls me on his break. Only once a day. I think three times is excessive tbh.