DH message. For me?

[lopdedop]

DH left home very (too?) early today to go to the nearest city (4hr journey) as he is flying abroad tomorrow. He's staying at an airport hotel. He arrived well before lunch. He needs to be at the airport at 5am (we're not in UK). Sent a message to say he'd arrived. About 2 hrs later sent a message. "I'm in room 38".
Am I over thinking? He's never sent me his room number before?
Is that strange? I'd really appreciate opinions.

The OP said: "The intention was to move to the other country together. I will still go in a few weeks."

I don't think the issue relates to him being away overnight in a hotel. Of course that's reasonable as he has an early start in a city far away.

The issue stems from the fact that he told OP at lunchtime that he'd arrived and checked in at the hotel, then TWO HOURS later, he sent her a message out of the blue stating his room number.

I don't think she's insecure or controlling, as you suggest, to be suspicious of that message and whether it was intended for a visitor to his hotel room.

OP has also mentioned other problems in the marriage, so advice to "work on your insecurities" seems rather redundant.

I see the menz has shown up to pat the nice lady on the head and tell her to work on her insecurities and her marriage 🙄

I'm not a man. I happen to be a 43 year old married woman.

If you want to spin yourself up getting upset over what someone may or may not be choosing to do then that's your problem. It's unhealthy, but you go do it.

You can never stop someone from cheating. The only thing you can change is how you deal with your insecurities. There is no proof by anything that the OP has stated that shows any proof that her partner was out with another person. There is nothing at all.

The issue she has with him having a friend is her insecurities. Nothing more or less. It's perfectly normal to have friends of all ages and actually it's goods for your mental health. Closing yourself off because some crazy person is paranoid is insane.

He even answered her call and showed her the room and to be frank if my partner ever asked me to do that I'd tell him to get a grip.

If they work on their marriage which clearly needs some work then she would probably feel more at ease by this other human being in her life doing perfectly normal things.

Silly reply and lazy. I see if someone posts a response a poster doesn’t like but can’t rebut,they simply accuse them of being the cool wife or a man.

the poster made a valid point,but practically salivating at the thought the ops husband might be cheating. And egging her on to think he is, isn’t ok. Nothing her signifies he’s cheating. And phoning at 3am and asking for a video tour to check for women and to see behind the shower curtain is completely batshit.

I think this is paranoia and insecurity. If he's gotten there and had to wait for the room to be assigned or maybe he just treated himself to a drink or lunch - controlling how and when someone contacts you is a massive red flag. Even if you are married.

No one needs to know what their partner does every hour or second of the day and if someone ever does this to you please understand it's coercive control and it's abuse.

I occasionally travel for business. I'm a bloke. I sent a very similar text to my mate who was also presenting on the same trip. His room was on the next floor.
I'm not having an affair or planning to
For balance

Yes I agree. I find MN astoundingly quick to advocate “kicking a man to the kerb.” There’s a real “ you go girl!” ; you’re an inspiration type attitude.

I am one hundred percent in favour of encouraging women out of abusive or degrading or unhappy relationships. I personally would struggle with continuing a marriage after infidelity. Nonetheless, none of that is confirmed here. There’s even been comments about get in first and just leave etc. Relationships aren‘t all smooth sailing all the time and it does strike me that making it somehow heroic to call time on marriage isn’t a healthy thing.

That said, I think op had a fair point about the friendship. There’s normal friendships with the other sex where you involve other people in the conversation etc and then there’s curling up together in a corner which I think op is right to say she feels sends a bit of an off message. But it isn’t a walk away trigger without more; it’s a thing you work through . And there will be lots of things to work through - and it’s not somehow weak to be prepared to.

I also think the text seems a bit odd, but odd so I’d be on my guard rather than conclusive. And as for not being able to stop people cheating, I agree to the point that a healthy relationship shouldn’t require 24/7 monitoring. But when there are questions, I think it’s worth getting to the bottom of it sooner rather than later and I’m not sure the “ blind eye” approach is all that helpful if you don’t want to send the signal you’re fine with it.

I suspect that to be the case also, and it all stems from the ops jealousy when he was talking to the other woman. She’s now assumed he went early to have sex with her, which is hugely, hugely unlikely.

the marriage is ending and it is down to the ops jealousy and her inability to rationally think. The behaviour is appalling; phoning at 3 am, wanting video tours, blocking him. And this is the worst site to ask for help, as for some posters the man is always cheating, even when it’s clear they aren’t, and it’s feeding the ops insecurities.

This has been a weird thread.

Texted her the room number despite never doing it before, then gets moody with her.
Chorus of - oh it's fine, WE do it all the time. Nothing to see here, it's a you problem.

Getting very close to another woman, talking about OP to other woman who then tells OP she knows all about her marriage .
Chorus of - oh it's fine, you are over reacting. Nothing to see here, it's a you problem.

But OPs other words - He threw our rings and told me he might as well "Go for it" now. Then he left for 4 days.
Chorus of - crickets.

If op is feeling paranoid, it has been created and engineered by her husbands dodgy behaviour, in the lead up to this event.

He is an unsafe partner, op needs to get away from him for the sake of her future mental health.

Those who are negating op's feelings are probably themselves unsafe partners if they cannot see that her h has done nothing to create a strong, loving envoiroment for trust to survive.
He has neither shown his loyalty, love and reasurrance which is paramount in a marriage.

Good grief

But presumably, if you had accidently sent it to your wife instead and she queried it as it wasn't your usual habit, you would have said "Oh, sorry, haha, meant to send that to Bob, he's on another floor" and not that you were updating HER! And your wife would have laughed and got on with her day.

Good grief indeed! Unsafe!

Which implies to me she’s now going alone, not together. Who knows 🤷‍♀️ I certainly wouldn’t be moving countries with someone in this type of relationship so far 🤷‍♀️

That would be my understanding, yes. I would think the OP is sticking with her own original plans and has decided she doesn't give a shiny sixpence what her OH decides to do.

Oh I think she cares very much indeed.

I would definitely be suspicious, if it was me I would be thinking that room text was meant for someone else. Maybe not necessarily another woman but i always think the worst in most scenarios

Maybe not through the app, but if you're on your phone and using the website, you should be able to select "see all" from OP's posts. 🙂

Yes I agree. I find MN astoundingly quick to advocate “kicking a man to the kerb.” There’s a real “ you go girl!” ; you’re an inspiration type attitude.

I agree MN can be far to quick to encourage splits/separation, but in this case the OP is right to be suspicious and unhappy with her DH’s behaviour

nope, not from the phone, only from the computer.

yes and I’d be suspicious and unhappy too … but there is ( or should be) quite a lot of distance to cover between suspicious and pressing the combust button.

There could well be something in it. He sounds to have boundary issues with the other woman, he doesn’t sound hugely sympathetic to op about that, and finally it does seem a bit redundant to send the room number if he has a mobile and she wasn’t visiting. I know some people are very much the “ admin” type and would do this routinely, but I’d have expected op to know that. It could also have been an Uber delivery or similar but again I’d expect him to have just said that. So there’s questions there… but questions are questions and not conclusions.

yes and I’d be suspicious and unhappy too … but there is ( or should be) quite a lot of distance to cover between suspicious and pressing the combust button.

I agree @Calliopespa

I have been thinking about you. Thanks for the update. You sound like a very strong woman and if you separate, you will be fine.

So when you tried using your phone to access the MN website, it still didn't work?

I'm sorry. That's always worked for me, regardless of what phone I'm using.