Page 23 | DH message. For me?

lopdedop · 2024-08-07T01:53:01+00:00

DH left home very (too?) early today to go to the nearest city (4hr journey) as he is flying abroad tomorrow. He's staying at an airport hotel. He arrived well before lunch. He needs to be at the airport at 5am (we're not in UK). Sent a message to say he'd arrived. About 2 hrs later sent a message. "I'm in room 38". Am I over thinking? He's never sent me his room number before? Is that strange? I'd really appreciate opinions.

DreamW3aver · 12/08/2024 18:30

crockofshite · 12/08/2024 17:33

nope, not from the phone, only from the computer.

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Habe you got a special version of Mumsnet 😀i can't believe that a function that works for everyone else isn't there for you

Screenshot or it didn't happen 😂

Enough4me · 12/08/2024 18:31

OP, good for you looking ahead. It will take time to get over this, will feel exhausting and may be hard to trust again, but you have an opportunity with the big move. Good luck with it all!

crockofshite · 12/08/2024 20:00

beenwhereyouare · 12/08/2024 18:06

So when you tried using your phone to access the MN website, it still didn't work?

I'm sorry. That's always worked for me, regardless of what phone I'm using.

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I'm obviously doing something wrong but no idea what

Errors · 12/08/2024 20:56

Hope all works out ok OP, either way. I would be paranoid at this too, especially given your updates

OhGloria · 12/08/2024 21:21

Thursdaygirl · 12/08/2024 17:52

yes and I’d be suspicious and unhappy too … but there is ( or should be) quite a lot of distance to cover between suspicious and pressing the combust button.

I agree @Calliopespa

Well I can see how that works well for someone who is keen to alter someone's reality and gaslight others but who the hell wants to live with suspicion.

This isn't an isolated incident of suspicion, there has been a history of hurtful and unexplained behaviour.

What worries me is your perception of this thread and the defence of very suspicious and unsafe behaviour.

In other words I don't think I'd want to be your partner if you think this sort of behaviour is acceptable. Rather than you being moderate and thoughtful it shows you may have a lack of empathy.

longestlurkerever · 12/08/2024 22:24

crockofshite · 12/08/2024 20:00

I'm obviously doing something wrong but no idea what

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You only get the option to view all OP posts if you're actually logged in and can add comments etc

crockofshite · 12/08/2024 22:38

longestlurkerever · 12/08/2024 22:24

You only get the option to view all OP posts if you're actually logged in and can add comments etc

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That could be it.

beenwhereyouare · 13/08/2024 02:05

crockofshite · 12/08/2024 20:00

I'm obviously doing something wrong but no idea what

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@crockofshite

Sent you a pm

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 03:24

Blondiebeachbabe · 12/08/2024 09:01

She hasn't left him. They are moving to a new country together.

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Im not sure youve read the whole thread??

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 03:29

Pherian · 12/08/2024 09:11

Your husband has to check into a flight at 5am in the morning and the city he needs to do so in is a 4 hour journey away.

He shared his room number with you and appears to be trying to keep you updated.

Let me add some perspective as an outsider to add an ounce of sanity to this :

I am assuming he's travelling for business. This means they have probably arranged his day for travelling to the city for this flight in a manner which is least disruptive to his working day. This may have been completely out of his control. He could be sitting in room 38 on teams calls.

That could be complete nonsense but again he has to drive four hours and it's completely unfair to expect him to not sleep through the night and get up and drive from midnight / 1 am to get to a city four hours away then go on an international flight.

I think you're being unreasonable. Even if he has a friendship you're not happy with, you need to learn something very valuable - no amount of you exerting control is going to stop someone from cheating. In fact you're probably going to make it more likely to happen if you continue to be a green eyed monster.

Stop calling him. Stop asking him where he is. Stop asking him who he is with. Stop thinking about him. Because if he is cheating you will soon find out and you shouldn't make yourself miserable.

Just relax, pour yourself a glass of wine. Enjoy your time apart and think about ways you can work on your insecurities and your marriage.

What she needs to do is to put herself first and leave him in her dust. He sounds like an awful partner and husband and her insecurities etc etc are down to his defensiveness, controlling and gaslighting. Don't shift the blame here, this situation is solely of his making and she has no control over his behaviour. She doesn't need it either. She has complete control over who she chooses to give her time and energy to. This man doesn't deserve it:

supersop60 · 13/08/2024 06:54

Gouki · 10/08/2024 21:08

Its innocent, and the message was meant for you. The logistics dont work otherwise. If it was after a phone call, he would have mentioned his room number on it. If it was a response to a message, it would have been a reply to that message.

The OP didn't send a message asking what room he was in.
This was not a happy relationship for a while up to this point.

HauntedbyMagpies · 13/08/2024 09:56

@lopdedop How are you doing? Keep going

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:18

Pherian · 12/08/2024 11:05

I'm not a man. I happen to be a 43 year old married woman.

If you want to spin yourself up getting upset over what someone may or may not be choosing to do then that's your problem. It's unhealthy, but you go do it.

You can never stop someone from cheating. The only thing you can change is how you deal with your insecurities. There is no proof by anything that the OP has stated that shows any proof that her partner was out with another person. There is nothing at all.

The issue she has with him having a friend is her insecurities. Nothing more or less. It's perfectly normal to have friends of all ages and actually it's goods for your mental health. Closing yourself off because some crazy person is paranoid is insane.

He even answered her call and showed her the room and to be frank if my partner ever asked me to do that I'd tell him to get a grip.

If they work on their marriage which clearly needs some work then she would probably feel more at ease by this other human being in her life doing perfectly normal things.

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You're quite correct when you say she cant stop him cheating however your ‘victim’ blaming stance is quite unsupportive in this situation. This lady needs to leave and then im sure you'll find all those ‘insecurities’ you mention, magically disappear along with him.

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:21

Pherian · 12/08/2024 11:17

I think this is paranoia and insecurity. If he's gotten there and had to wait for the room to be assigned or maybe he just treated himself to a drink or lunch - controlling how and when someone contacts you is a massive red flag. Even if you are married.

No one needs to know what their partner does every hour or second of the day and if someone ever does this to you please understand it's coercive control and it's abuse.

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I do hope you feel thoroughly ashamed of this responce and if you don’t then you need to read all of the ops posts and updates and rethink before posting. Wow

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:24

NDerbys32 · 12/08/2024 11:25

I occasionally travel for business. I'm a bloke. I sent a very similar text to my mate who was also presenting on the same trip. His room was on the next floor.
I'm not having an affair or planning to
For balance

For balance you’d probably have also told your wife that the message was not meant for her but for your friend who was also working from the same hotel, rather than trying to gaslight and lie your way out of the mistake by telling her the message was meant for her and you were just keeping her updated and then getting defensive and moody with her and refusing to answer your phone? You know, just for balance

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:28

OhGloria · 12/08/2024 12:31

If op is feeling paranoid, it has been created and engineered by her husbands dodgy behaviour, in the lead up to this event.

He is an unsafe partner, op needs to get away from him for the sake of her future mental health.

Those who are negating op's feelings are probably themselves unsafe partners if they cannot see that her h has done nothing to create a strong, loving envoiroment for trust to survive.
He has neither shown his loyalty, love and reasurrance which is paramount in a marriage.

The absolute voice of reason! Thank you for posting this. I couldn't agree more. There have been some shameful replies on this thread but yours has succinctly worded the whole feeling I've been trying to get across. Thank you!

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:34

Calliopespa · 12/08/2024 11:51

Yes I agree. I find MN astoundingly quick to advocate “kicking a man to the kerb.” There’s a real “ you go girl!” ; you’re an inspiration type attitude.

I am one hundred percent in favour of encouraging women out of abusive or degrading or unhappy relationships. I personally would struggle with continuing a marriage after infidelity. Nonetheless, none of that is confirmed here. There’s even been comments about get in first and just leave etc. Relationships aren‘t all smooth sailing all the time and it does strike me that making it somehow heroic to call time on marriage isn’t a healthy thing.

That said, I think op had a fair point about the friendship. There’s normal friendships with the other sex where you involve other people in the conversation etc and then there’s curling up together in a corner which I think op is right to say she feels sends a bit of an off message. But it isn’t a walk away trigger without more; it’s a thing you work through . And there will be lots of things to work through - and it’s not somehow weak to be prepared to.

I also think the text seems a bit odd, but odd so I’d be on my guard rather than conclusive. And as for not being able to stop people cheating, I agree to the point that a healthy relationship shouldn’t require 24/7 monitoring. But when there are questions, I think it’s worth getting to the bottom of it sooner rather than later and I’m not sure the “ blind eye” approach is all that helpful if you don’t want to send the signal you’re fine with it.

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But why would you waste your time? I don't understand why anyone in this day and age would allow themselves to continue in a relationship, marriage or not, where they felt the needed to ‘be on their guard’. The op is well shot of this toxicity. Recommending that she work on it? She can work on it all she likes, he however had already checked out of this marriage the day he threw their rings and stated he might as well just go for it then and left for 4 days. Good lordy does no one read the entire thread on these forums before they post their flimsy advice?

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:37

Lilliesandjasmine · 12/08/2024 11:57

I suspect that to be the case also, and it all stems from the ops jealousy when he was talking to the other woman. She’s now assumed he went early to have sex with her, which is hugely, hugely unlikely.

the marriage is ending and it is down to the ops jealousy and her inability to rationally think. The behaviour is appalling; phoning at 3 am, wanting video tours, blocking him. And this is the worst site to ask for help, as for some posters the man is always cheating, even when it’s clear they aren’t, and it’s feeding the ops insecurities.

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Wow. So you read the whole thread then. Smh. Clearly not. Either that or your understanding of human psychology and behaviour is seriously lacking.

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:39

Lilliesandjasmine · 12/08/2024 16:00

Oh I think she cares very much indeed.

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I hope she cares just about as much as he has shown her he cares. Lmfao some women just cant help themselves. My user name stands for comments like this

Calliopespa · 13/08/2024 12:03

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 11:39

I hope she cares just about as much as he has shown her he cares. Lmfao some women just cant help themselves. My user name stands for comments like this

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Yes I notice you use “ good Lordy” a lot; it’s in your post as well as your username.

The reason I said she should “ be on her guard” is not as a way of living indefinitely, but to ascertain what is at play in their relationship. People can argue, throw rings etc and it’s a tantrum. Relationships have rocky patches and it is just as unhealthy to not be able to accommodate and work through them as it is to stay in a relationship that is toxic. I have a friend who has simply never had a long term relationship. Every time they have their first hurdle she decides it “ doesn’t work,” she’s very conflict averse. The truth in OP’s situation is she DOESN’T KNOW what is going on. That’s why she posted for opinions. Once she knows, she has the proper information to take decisions. Then she can help herself appropriately.

Gouki · 13/08/2024 13:21

supersop60 · 13/08/2024 06:54

The OP didn't send a message asking what room he was in.
This was not a happy relationship for a while up to this point.

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You haven't read my post correctly.

OhGloria · 13/08/2024 15:44

Lol, taking advice from people who have sadist tendancies.

Whose take on working on a relationship is how much crap can the other partner take.

Some people's idea of love is how many times they can shit on someone and expecting them to forgive them unconditionally and forever.

Never seems to work the other way round with these sorts though.

It's very easy to make someone feel loved, cared for and secure, if that's what you really want to do, so no it's not on the other party to work on their insecurities, it's on the idiot who can't make their partner feel loved and secure.

Op's insecurity has not arisen from nothing, it is clear cause and affect.

Towerofsong · 13/08/2024 16:04

DreamW3aver · 12/08/2024 18:30

Habe you got a special version of Mumsnet 😀i can't believe that a function that works for everyone else isn't there for you

Screenshot or it didn't happen 😂

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If you have the app installed and try to go to the website, it diverts you to the app. So the only way to get the other features is to uninstall the app

On Android this is true at least

DreamW3aver · 13/08/2024 19:41

Towerofsong · 13/08/2024 16:04

If you have the app installed and try to go to the website, it diverts you to the app. So the only way to get the other features is to uninstall the app

On Android this is true at least

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Nope, maybe the way you have your phone set up, I have the app on my phone and I'm typing this on the mobile site to test it and it's working fine

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 13/08/2024 19:46

Calliopespa · 13/08/2024 12:03

Yes I notice you use “ good Lordy” a lot; it’s in your post as well as your username.

The reason I said she should “ be on her guard” is not as a way of living indefinitely, but to ascertain what is at play in their relationship. People can argue, throw rings etc and it’s a tantrum. Relationships have rocky patches and it is just as unhealthy to not be able to accommodate and work through them as it is to stay in a relationship that is toxic. I have a friend who has simply never had a long term relationship. Every time they have their first hurdle she decides it “ doesn’t work,” she’s very conflict averse. The truth in OP’s situation is she DOESN’T KNOW what is going on. That’s why she posted for opinions. Once she knows, she has the proper information to take decisions. Then she can help herself appropriately.

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I actually meant the ‘The Excuses We Make For Them’ part but yes i say it just as much in person as i do on threads such as these when confronted with opinions like those in the latter pages. I am making an assumption here, that those who have joined late to the discussion and shared their opinions, have, for the most part, bot read all 22 pages of posts from the op and respondents. I know it is generally a mistake to make an assumption as my mother would always tell me, to assume makes an ass of you and me. However it’s the only explanation i can think of in this circumstance. The op has detailed a clearly toxic environment where she has laid out her reasonable boundaries and had tantrums and threats of infidelity and abusive gaslighting Behaviour in response. They are newlyweds. Advising a clearly strong, self confident woman to stay and work it out, when this course of action could and very likely would lead to her devaluing herself, the destruction of her self confidence and Self worth and being left in a situation she ends up having to put her emotional and physical wellbeing at risk by needing to escape, doesn't seem all that Prudent, to me. I speak from experience. After being locked in the house for 3 years i finally found a door open one night i threw the kids and dogs in the car (which i could no longer legally drive because even though it was my car, in my name, he had surrendered my driving licence on medical grounds when he managed to get me diagnosed with epilepsy, without any evidence, over the phone. Covid has a lot to answer for in terms of abusive situations) i got in that car and we ran as far as possible. Changed our names we t into homeless sheltered accommodation and hid for over a year. Let this poor woman do as she chooses. Have you ever considered that your friend is better off that way? I know i would have been and so would my children!