I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

sounds rotten to the core

Yes, I think you're right
He paints himself as reasonable and logical and we're lucky to have him.
We're lucky to have parts of his personality but not all parts of it!

Is this narcissism?

oh don’t go down that mumsnet diagnosis route

just do what you need to do

I don’t think he’ll put up a fight op

God help you and your poor children.
He is an absolute horror.
If you can afford to, don't waste any further time or effort on him.
Do nothing bar get paper work together so that you can get every penny out of him.
What an ugly pig and a shit father to boot.

from one phone call you’ve established he’s been providing extensive emotional and practical support since the beginning of the year?

do you work op?

Was it his mother?

Because the dynamic of that is different than a sibling.

I've had this with my DH, his mother was a narcissist who expected to be above every relationship, even husband and wife.

The ego kibbles outside your house are far tastier to him than those on offer indoors. He has to be SEEEEEN Out There being Mr Helpful and kind to others so everyone KNOWS Mr Flared Trousers is such a supportive helpful person to others in their time of need (they don't know they are getting the portion of his help and support he should be giving you!)

Wifey and kid ego kibbles for helping and being kind and supportive to the family he chose and made just don't hit the same for him.

No, not his mother.

I'm currently training to get back in my field.

so he is supporting two adults and 3 teens

i mean he was unsupportive when you were ill but i imagine he pulls a full week at work!
is he paying for and supporting your retraining?

was it a family member or was it… someone else, hence your fury?

Its for a matter that he says has been going on for 6 months to a year.
Documentation came to the house which stated some financial support!
That's how I found out.

You mention daily medication - do you mind saying if that contains any steroid element, or anything that could alter your mood?

I'm not saying he sounds great, but presumably he is the same as he has always been, so I am wondering if your anger is 100% due to him?

you said you found out because you overheard him on the phone

2 adults and 2 teens.
Works 7 days a week.
He's currently working while we're away- not just checking emails.
Xmas hols, he refuses to leave the house till 3pm or later, it's dark around 4.30.
And then we're ungrateful according to him.

It's a family member.

I overheard him on the phone over the past 6 months with this family member.
When the financial document came, I asked him who it was for and he told me.
He's made a financial commitment without discussing it with me, while I thought money was being set aside for university.
Maybe needless to say, he won't do a Will for his kids and I.

you despise him op
and be doesnt seem that fond of you
so get in there first

Yep
And when asked why, it's cos there's no emotional support.
Then I'm told, at least he earns good money.
And then I say yes, and I'll get that in the separation agreement.
I need to check his pension, to check my entitlement post-separation

He's paid £995 for my retraining.
He earns that in 5 hours instead of doing the school run

This relationship is dead. Just separate, it will be a relief for everyone involved.

Yup.

How long have you been out of work for?

I really hope you find the strength to jettsion this man from your life for good. He is not a loving supportive husband or father. my heart breaks for your children complaining of being ignored by their father. my heart breaks for you being unwell and in pain and being neglected by the one person who should have been taking care of you. What's the point of marriage if you have to struggle on alone and lonely?
Staying in this marriage harms you and your dc.

Have you got support in real life? Family and friends? I left an abusive marriage a few years ago and had to drown out all the noise from anyone saying he wasn't that bad, not to break up the family etc etc. I drowned out all the noise except the voice inside me telling me to leave, and I developed tunnel vision to anything other than getting out.

I'm hoping it will be easier for you to extricate yourself. However if he presents to outsiders as a reasonable man, you might face questions from people who make you doubt yourself in which case you will need to drown out the noise. I used stock answers on people who asked why I was ending the relationship when my husband was a good man, by saying, 'no one says what goes on inside a marriage.'

How long till your training is done and you are employed?
I’d smile and nod till then when you are ready and have your ducks in a row ( my favourite mumsnet saying) leave - even to show your kids this is not how a man or father works or behaves