I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

Absolutely.
That's my plan.

I'm doing this after I gather financial docs together. It needs doing anyway, so if we stay together I've got some admin out the way.
If he says he had to do it, then I say why could you do this for member but not even offer me a hot drink?
If no answer, as usual, then I'll be ready to say, this isn't how I want to live.
I think I want to separate.

It's quite important to understand what you're dealing with on this one. I underestimated the absolute insanity of these types ( full blown NPD) so therefore was incredibly unprepared.

There are really important techniques to apply to know how to manage these pieces of shit, who are abnormal on every bloody level, especially if you're looking to leave the relationship.

It takes alot of learning and reading up to fully understand what constitutes a full on NPD and appreciate that may not be the priority right now. 🙏

am i right op?

your level of fury reminds me of threads where the OP has just discovered OW

No Kimchi, we're not close but I wouldn't tell husband to ignore the member.
Financial support on the other hand!!!!
No guarantee of getting it back

There was a thread on here a while ago about men who are utterly crap when their wife is unwell... unsympathetic and unhelpful. Basically I read on it that when men are like that it's because they see you as household appliance that has broken down....I think that says it all.

absolutely financial support if that was needed and your husband loved this relative and he could afford it

why ever not?

you are happy with him entirely financially supporting you

but god forbid he wishes to financially support another family member to whom he is a great deal closer to

he was a shit for not emotionally and practically supporting you

he was not a shit for choosing to financially support a relative that he is very close to (that you don’t like)

Don't say you think you want to separate, look him dead in the eyes (when you've had full legal advice and financial documents together) and say "I'm divorcing you".
Better yet, hand him the papers at the same time.

He (thinks) he's got you where he wants you so he doesn't need to make the effort. The effortless way he would have seemed to adore you in the early days of your relationship (was it like that?) would have actually been a massive effort for him.

You asked if it is narcissism, yes probably, but I'd say he's more controlling than anything else.

I hate to think of any woman in your situation feeling sad and uncared-for especially when unwell. I know it would be very difficult, but I think you should probably plan to start a new life without him if possible.

He was entirely supporting his wife and his dc whilst she supported him building up a career. How else would he have managed it whilst having a family? So while he was doing paid work for the family, op was doing unpaid work looking after their joint children.

@Flaredtrousers2024 I'm ok now thanks. Took a few years to untangle myself but I did it in the end.

The stuff with the relative? All for validation. It’s the knight in shining armour syndrome. And no doubt this person will have to let slip at some point what a generous and caring person he is.
Meanwhile, doing the ‘real’ work of caring for you in any way gives him no awards or medals. So he can’t be bothered. Like other PP suggest he’s annoyed at you for being ill and functioning below your usual performance level. How dare you not be able to do
all you usually do, OP?
There have been so many posts I have seen here and in other places and the DH is often in a caring role - Doctor, teacher, preacher, social worker, mental health professional. Upstanding member of the community involved in all sorts of charities and good works.
Their own charity gets left on the driveway and their wife or partner gets none of their goodwill.

I'm not divorcing him till I find out where i stand with his pension with regards to separation and divorce.

Cos he doesn't think!
He thought university education was free.
He didn't start savings accounts for the children - I did!
Kimchi, are you trying to wind me up?

Exactly.

Pantaloons, what's NPD?

Yes - DH is in a 'caring' profession!

maybe because you’ve said he’s a very high earner

and given no indication at all he hasn’t prepared or saved a penny for his children 🤷

basically this

but you seem very antagonised so i will leave you to it

Kimchi, wouldn't it be a good idea to let his wife and mother of his children know his financial planning?
He's told me he hasn't done anything for them.

You're not antagonising me at all, cos it's nothing I haven't heard before from him or his family, so it's water off a ducks back.

That might have been me, although many other women have used the same words.

What a shame. Maybe both parties will be well if they separate, but it so often could have been avoided, but it seems like he's simply checked out. There's cross overs with 'gold widows and 'cycling-widows' here as well.

OP - unless you seriously need the money, he needs to cut back his working hours and actually spend time with you as a husband and father to his children. He should want to do that as well, not deem it a chore.