I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

Nope, he deems it a chore and is doing us a favour.

He didn’t tell you presumably because he really wanted to financially support this family member and knew you’d say no.

Hes clearly a very high earner, if he’s been providing financial support for 6/12 months… did he not do any saving beforehand?

how old are your teens?

It's along the lines of lending money, not giving.

And guess what, he hides bank statements from me.

12 and 17

I think I've realised thru these posts, that the reason I find it hard to make a connection with him, is cos he doesn't want to make a connection with me.
I tried discussing him working less when we get back from our break, he said he'll still work 7 days a week.
I asked what about time with me.
No answer.
I think I'm his housekeeper, occasional sex partner and childcare person in his eyes.
Not a person..

I use to be married to his identical twin so let me give you some tips.

He will definitely have hidden assets, I thought my ex couldn’t and he did - big time . So start looking now ( yes I mean TODAY ) take photos / scan / copy every single piece of paper you can find . Even a small thing, one line on an innocuous document can give you a clue. You might not understand it at the time but you will have to learn.

Like you, I had saved money for my children’s eduction, in accounts in their own names. He spent two years fighting me in court to get that money for himself.

He will be HORRENDOUS to divorce, it will be worse than you think, take longer and costs 10 times more. But it’s worth it to get your life back.

He will do everything he can to avoid paying child maintenance ( it’s much easier than you think ) and he probably will hardly ever see his kids.

My ex claimed he wanted the kids 50:50. The he said he wanted then 100% of the time . Then he said he’d move off shore and and see the kids a couple of times a year due to HMRC rules. In the end he moved about 5 miles away and see the kids about 4 times a year because he CBA.

I'd get a divorce. He sounds like he just doesn't care about you any more. Very sad he wouldn't even help parent his own DC.

Hi Soola.
I've already googled forensic accounting

A forensic accountant is money well spent.
They do in an hour what you wouldn't do in a month.
These guys hide money, but they don't hide it in a way that is difficult for a professional to find, as they never imagine their silly wives will think to employ one.
5 years ago my friends sister married to a consultant, had an affair and he left her. All the paperwork was filed, declarations made and signed etc. when her team produced details of money he had hidden, etc. Twat.

His big fat red head was a picture.
I don't know the details but she came out of it well happy and has subsequently realised life is a blast without his God complex in the house.

She had full custody as his two teens refused all contact and it took two years for them to even meet him. They are adults now.

His affair fling didn't last and he has been embarrassed by the gossip, most particularly his children's refusal to see him. He has failed utterly to repair his relationship with them. His only use is to send them large amounts of money, which if he dares query, he is told to fxxk off.
Reaping what he sowed as they are lovely young women.

have you worked since you’ve had children?

surely he already has savings for the 17 year old and in?

he has “lent money rather than giving” to a close family member that needed it?

he sounds very unhappy
as do you

have you got the ball rolling op?

Savings for both that were my idea to do.

It's not that he lent money, it's that he had the time to spend speaking and arranging with family members, while our children and I were asking for time with him.

The same family members who get the loan also know how unhappy the kids and I are and dismiss it as, He needs to work every day including weekends and holidays
Of course he needs to work, to be a cash dispenser for you lot.😡🤯

ok so… all ok for university fees
and it’s a loan rather than a gift
so money isn’t the issue (up thread it absolutely was)

So it was the absence of support? But op read the thread…. it is clear that neither of you give a hoot about each other

Since starting the thread, have you done anything?

well to be fair op

he supports you and two children as well

I couldn't work much as he wouldn't look after the children during school holidays. Freelance so hit and miss.

He says its lent but if repayment isn't made - even part, then I doubt he'd go to law, so it's given until paid back.

We go home in a few days, he's working here too so I've been on my own.
I think I'll be upset when I get home to reallife and realise I've been used as a housekeeper, childcare person etc.

Yes.
But who works 7 days a week - and doesn't do anything to help his ill wife - even a cup of tea?

Well, you are obviously over it in this relationship - so what are you looking for? Seems like the question now is what you need to do to get out and when you are going to do it.

he does
he doesn’t care for you
you don’t care for him
it’s dead op
the hate you feel for him literally drips off the page
so… again, what if anything do you plan to do?

For a start, i’d finish up that training and get a job

I needed to think thru my feelings.
Will start putting things in place/research etc.

your feelings quite clearly are anger, bitterness and resentment. His seem to be “I don’t give a fig about @Flaredtrousers2024 and i have checked out of family life”

Are you sharing a bed? eating together?

OP, this must be a dire atmosphere for your children to be around

OK, I get it. Hope this brought you some clarity. And wish you the best with whatever you decide next.

Thank you chocs

Not really sharing anything anymore.

Is the family member a sibling or his child?
Agree with pp it absolutely sounds a shit show of a relationship with huge amounts of resent.