I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

The kids are aware of the tension, my friends and family are outraged by his behaviour.

Update: I tried to discuss things calmly with him after we got home.
He said he earns money and that's enough contribution from him.
Ended up with him saying he got nothing out of being married and wants to separate.
I said OK quite calmly.
I'm away with children for a few days visiting family (I arranged this ages ago).

Well you have it from the horse's mouth, he earns the money and doesn't need to do anything else. Also no acknowledgement of what you do for the marriage and family, he doesn't see it as any value to him. There's absolutely no empathy is there. You married a robot.

Beware! He will try to keep all of the money because it's 'his'. When you come out of the other side of this you will wonder why you ended up with this knob!

Yes, I think you're right.

This is very true. Many of us on the ASD marriage support thread recognise this dynamic where the service humans (us) come last. I am the lowest creature in existence on the ladder of those needing support.

God I just read your update. We're married to twins. Get out while you can but either find a shit hot lawyer or expect to be poor.

Shit hot lawyer!

How can I find this thread? I'm almost beginning to believe him when he calls me ungrateful.

This isn't necessarily a ND issue. My ex husband was the same as yours. His job and sport came first followed by the approval of my family and other acquaintances. He would go to the ends of the earth to avoid being home or spending time with us.

Through therapy I learned he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style, terrified of intimacy. Comes from his childhood. I was trained to tolerate being ignored by my childhood. It's a common dynamic in unhappy, dysfunctional marriages.

And also don't buy into the he earns a lot of money so you should put up with it lark. You may find others backing this up, usually people on less income who can't believe you're rejecting a 'catch'.

It's not normal to be married to an invisible man. Relationships need intimacy, companionship and compromise to thrive. You don't have that in your marriage. It's not you. Keep repeating that to yourself 😉

He's maybe been squirrelling money to a family member in anticipation of this. Get accurate records now. As in today now.

That is a good point.

Pigs aren't ugly - they're nicer than humans.

Is the family member blood related or not?
Female?
If not blood related he can be having an affair.

That would be transfers in bank statements.

Blood related

Im fairly sure he's been giving money to a family member.
It's probably been as cash but he gets paid by bank transfer, so I'm assuming he would have to withdraw cash from an account.
Would a forensic accountant be able to trace this money if he had received any payments in cash instead of bank transfer?

I feel ill, if I'm correct and he's been giving money to a family member, then it's like he's been having an affair: I kept telling myself that he was working hard for us - but now it's likely he gave money away - lots, while our children and I asked for his time and attention - Xmas day anyone?

Is he giving them cash to hide it or because they need it for some reason?

It could be either but currently where op is at the moment every action by him will be viewed with suspition and every explanation will not be believed.

All part of the confusion of being with someone you longer trust and don't feel safe with.

Op is experiencing trauma, she will not know what is real or unreal.
Sometimes op you just have to let it go and think, let him do his worst, you cannot control every scenario in the many ways you think he could harm you, emotionally and financially, you should allow yourself rest and allow your solicitor to do their job.

Everyone behaves the same under such stress and the altering of your world and reality.

Yeah I don't think it matters per se, unless he's hiding it to avoid it being part of the settlement.

I don't know.

The person bought something using one of his online shopping accounts, like Tesco.
I don't know how they could access his online account.
It came up as a message confirming delivery to a totally different address on his phone.
I said his bank details had been copied and to cancel the card/notify bank.
The next day, he said family member had used the account.
I don't understand how - could it be accessed by his bank card instead of account password?

If you want to divorce, which it seems you both do, just take your documentation to a solicitor and let them sort it out. They will sort out the cash and assets that you are both entitled to.

Him helping a relative won't, however he’s doing it, affect the settlement. People do often support relatives.🤷‍♀️

It's not the helping, it's the concealment from me and refusing to discuss financial planning with me.

I don't know if I'd get a share of his pension if we divorced, so I'm not asking for a separation or a divorce till I find out.