I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

This is possible and traceable cos he gets paid by bank transfer, so a cash gift would have to be withdrawn.

OP, speak to your solicitor, hopefully a good one.
You need to lay out that he has been siphoning money, likely cash, to a family member and a forensic accountant may be required.
See if you can get a good recommendation.
A good rottweiler solicitor will inevitably know a good forensic accountant.
When there is hidden money involved they could find in a week what you wouldn't find in 5 years.

Inevitably men who hide money are not masterminds, it usually is a few accounts you simply never knew existed.

@Flaredtrousers2024

I couldn't work much as he wouldn't look after the children during school holidays. Freelance so hit and miss.

Well that's why childminders exist! Lots of families have 2 working parents who use childcare during school term time & also in the holidays.

If this thread was reversed then it would be different.

He's working flat out in a high paying job & you don't have to worry about paying for things. You have kept the house & children organised so he doesn't have to worry about those things.

I've always had to work & the things that need to doing for the family still need doing whether you're working or not. So you're lucky that you have had the time to do those things without having to worry about work on top.

I do agree he could have supported you better when you were unwell. However your children are old enough to sort themselves out. I'm not sure what you wanted doing - maybe you do need to tell him directly what needs doing.

That depends if he's doing it to hide money - surely?

@Flaredtrousers2024

Ended up with him saying he got nothing out of being married and wants to separate.

Sorry to hear that he said that. It sounds like he just wants to work & not spend time with you all.

If I was you I would focus on getting back into work & separate from him.

I have been with my partner for 13 years and have never de-iced my own car. He would get up a little earlier to do this for me and to check the temperature so that he could tell me to use the motorway if temp too low (black ice on rural roads.(
I would put my ducks in a row, hi e him o e last chance to change then ask him to leave if he dud not.

You will be entitled to 50% mi imu. I would guess, this will be established alongside all other share if assets. Unlikely you can find out the worth of pension at this point.

Asked and told him and still won't do it!

Joyous, I need to find out and then challenge it if I need to?

With respect op, he also needs to work to support you and the children as you don’t work (and I think never did).

in any event it sounds like the relationship is very unhealthy and unhappy and is over. Time to move on op.

That’s a nice thing to do but I don’t think it’s in any way obligatory. I’ve never de iced any partners car, nor have they ever de iced mine.

I agree. I’m a single mum of primary school age kids and can work full time

What happened Op? The entire situation sounded…. well like a shit show

Well, I thought things were getting better cos he was putting in more of an effort but not much has changed.
I'm sorting out financial documents to get him for every penny.

Best of luck OP.
Please keep in touch.