I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

Not sure why there’s so much of a pile on about OP’s resentment about the money. Regardless of earnings, it seems like the sort of thing a married couple would at least discuss beforehand. As for him supporting OP, he left her with little choice when he decided to opt out of parenting.

But he shouldn't be a great deal closer to them.

His loyalties obviously lie with someone/family who thinks it's fine to collude behind op's back.

Dispose of the family and dispose of him.
He doesn't have your back op.

The irony is in these types of families is that they expect their own partners to give unlimited loyalty but their childrens/family partners are not worthy of the same loyalty.

Yuk.

You are not wrong op.

Nightflying, you've put into words how I feel but couldn't put together, it was too much for me to do, so thankyou.

Now I recogn8se there's been previous collusion. I always have a feeling of something going on and not knowing what.
Now I know my feelings were based in reality and not paranoia!

you are happy with him entirely financially supporting you

No, she had to give up work to pick up the slack of parenting when he decided he didn’t want to anymore.

And yes, he shouldn’t be closer to the other person, he ahoild be making an effort to be close to his wife and kids. And I imagine if he was then OP might be a bit more inclined to want to help his family.

Are you the husband or family member by any chance? You sound very defensive.

Exactly what @S00LA says, expect a bumpy ride when you leave this marriage. Funnily enough I commented on another thread about everyone seeing my ex-husband as Mr Nice Guy a couple of hours ago. For some bizarre reason being ignored and neglected by your partner isn't a good enough reason for some people to accept you getting out, especially when they're a high earner. As if the lifestyle excuses the emotional abuse and neglect. Mine was absolutely ruthless in trying to avoid any financial responsibility, even tried to pull our daughter out of school in her final year. Yet lots of people, including my own family, backed him up.

Something to consider @Flaredtrousers2024 is that someone checking out like this can be an indication of an avoidant personality. My ex-husband wanted someone at home looking after him/his house/his child while he buried himself in work and his sport. He couldn't handle the intimacy of a relationship.

Be careful you don't attract another emotionally unavailable relationship both for yourself and your children. My ex-husband has no relationship with his child now. He doesn't bother. Not surprising when he has no real attachment to anyone.

This.
A forensic accountant would be great for finding hidden assets, but at the very least she needs to do a credit report on him.
It's classic financial abuse and he will be a nightmare to divorce.

It's like he leads a double-life that was known by others and not me.
I'm his wife whose a housekeeper, not an equal.
I feel that his family are laughing at me behind my back.
They knew how awful the children and I feel/felt, yet pretended to like us?

I've been stupid! He had to bury himself in work to avoid spilling the beans to me.
What the bloody hell else is there going on?
Trust has completely gone and he's the enemy.

Who is the family member? Not parents, but I'd have different views of a child over someone else.

Adult member

He’s taking you all for granted and needs a wake-up call. it’s shit he’s not supporting you and not being available for your DC. Shape up or ship out.

@ComenowHQ

I don't think this thread shows how much they dislike one another in their marriage, quite the opposite, it shows there has been care coming from only one side, and that's op's.

Rather op has supported her husband unconditionally and has been taken for granted and it appears her eyes are opening to the difference in care and respect he shows towards her and his family, I should imagine this is the tip of the iceburg concerning his regard for her in many other areas too.

There will always be an audience of family, friends and sometimes ow to goad a narc on suggesting he is the best thing since sliced bread, especially if they are benefitting from the neglect and showboating that many narcs do.

I don't know what's happening on this thread an earlier poster seemed to bait and switch on the op, very strange.

@ComenowHQ is getting deleted all over the place today.

An absolute difference in care!
There's been other things recently which have made me reconsider my our marriage.
Now I'm calmly angry. It's odd, it's almost l8ke I'm not surprised by him putting me second anymore. That's wrong. Like the frog who didn't notice the boiling water and died.
He 5hought his behaviour is ok. It's not and I'm going after everything.
I could also go after 50% of the buy to let too? Cos it's acquired after more than 15 years of marriage.
They're gonna shit themselves. It's ok, there's a habit of being two-faced and selfish.

Maybe both?
I don't know - I need to provide financial security for myself and the children.

Adult child of your dh?

No, not a child of his nor a sibling.

is the tenant family of the DH?

on a day to day level

what is home life like OP?

The children must be able to cut the tension with a knife 😞

Would i be right in thinking you don’t have close family or many (any) friends?

@Flaredtrousers2024 you/collect all the financial information you can. Summarise all the assets, yours, his and joint.

then you take it all to a solicitor and you listen very hard to their advice . You don’t need to worry about “ coming after “ this or that, your solicitor will tell you what’s what.

Hi.
Yes, a family member