I was ill for a few months and husband wasn't emotionally and practically available to help me - but was available for other people.

[Flaredtrousers2024]

Hi.
I was ill for a few months at the beginning of 2024.
I've very thankfully recovered now.
I've been left with a condition requiring daily medication but that may have happened anyway.
In the run-up to being ill, I told my husband I was lonely while he was busy 7 days a week. I was very upset and crying.
I have my own friends and interests and it would be nice to share them with him occasionally, and vice-versa.
Our teenage children have said the same to him about spending time with them.

While I was ill, I carried out as best I could but it was very hard.
I wanted to carry on as normal cos it helped me feel better, and it would have been nice if he had de-iced the car and taken the kids to the station in winter (he works from home so has some flexibility).
He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy.
Now I've found out, by overhearing phone calls (when he thought I was out), that he's been emotionally and practically supporting a member of his family.
This isn't the first time I've felt low on his list of priorities, but he knew I was ill and to reply no, I'm too busy, when I asked him to drive the kids when I didn't feel comfortable driving, yet to simultaneously have time for someone else, feels like he had a bit on the side!

I'm beyond angry.
For the first time and we've has difficulties for a while, I feel totally unlike me, in that I feel like spending money almost recklessly (but not quite!).

I've knocked myself out this year to help one teenager through exams, pacify another one who is furious that his father ignores him at weekends until he's ready to turnoff his laptop at 3 pm and gone thru my own health struggle.

We're currently away for a few days, which I'm using for thinking time.
He thinks his behaviour is ok, I've told him he ignores us and I'm lonely.
I feel as if he has a bit on the side.
I feel such a fool.

I want to take him for every penny he's got.
The only way I think we can stay together is if he listens and takes in my point of view and puts the kids and I higher on his list of priorities.

A few more weeks, then I start work for myself (freelance so I have freedom around school hols/illness/exams)

A few years.
I had to stop cos of school hols cover but mostly cos I'm.the emotionally available parent and had dreadful perimenopause symptoms

Its blood pressure medication, probably familial and stress cos my cholesterol OK, never smoked, barely drink, not overweight, eaten low-fat and low-salt for yearsm

I'm not even angry, it's more a sense of cold anger :You've really done it this time type-thing.
Almost gambling, cos it's financial support.

Have you had a conversation with him about how and why he finds time for this family member but not for you or his children?

How are you now?
His whole family know we're fed up with his working 7 days a week.
They also tell him to spend more time with us.
Thank you for your support: Exactly, he doesn't offer me anything when I'm ill. He's as much as he can do to spend time with our kids when I was ill.
He sees me as a server and provider of home

I want to take him for every penny he's got

Do it. He's broken his wedding vows and proven that he doesn't give a fuck about you or your wellbeing.

If people ask why we're separating, I can say we grew apart.
To family and close people, I can say what they already have said to me: He appears to prefer work to spending time with me, and the children. I can't do it anymore: Trying to make a connection with him. I'm upset seeing couples/families out together and I'm with my kids alone.
I'm not putting myself thru it anymore.
It's not okay to continually upset our 2 and I ,when we've told him how to make things better.

He says eating with them is spending time with them. They want bike rides with him, watching tv with him.

And he wouldn't have it if I hadn't taken over so much day-to-day responsibility.
I can't even cry about it anymore.
It's like 'Flared, are u surprised he's got time and effort for his family member and not you?'.
Scary thing is no, not surprised and it fits in with his pattern: Thinks about himself, obligations (emotional, financial?) to his family of origin and then children and I: Who should be grateful he's working so hard.
We've told him.over and over again that we are grateful but there needs to be a balance. Like collecting our daughter from a friend at 8 pm.instead of me after an anesthetic from my root canal wore off!!!

How do you picture things after you split?

Will you mind if he immediately finds a new partner? Will you have enough money bearing in mind the house will be sold and both of you will have to buy or rent new homes? Will it be easier to work when you are a single parent?

If he finds a new partner, he'll need his Viagra (I'm being serious).
It'll show that he didn't want to be with me, that he had time but didn't want to spend it with me.
Of course I'll be upset, but I'm upset now.
The house will not be sold - he has rental properties to be sold first - mortgaged but still.worth something.

He could move into a rental property - not my problem.

I'll work during school hours.

It might make him realise how upset I am and he'll try to win me back, or he'll get angry with me for "being ungrateful", try to hide assets (illegal) and refer to me/call me a bitch.
To which I reply, you work 7 days a week even on our once a year holiday, the children and I have repeatedly told you we want time with you at weekends, which you only agree to after you've worked till 2 pm or later.
And when I was ill for 3 months, you didn't even offer me water when I started coughing, yet you had time to support family members.

He can call me names but he can't hide assets.

I'm sorry OP but he seems to have left you, emotionally, just not told you and not moved out.

He barely helped me at all, when I asked him if he could do something, he was grumpy

Sometimes it comes from a real place where they're so selfish, they just don't want to help anyone else if it puts them through a tiny inconvenience, so that's why they get grumpy of huff.

With others, it's a deliverable attempt to make you feel like you're a nuisance, to make you feel small so that you eventually stop asking them for help.

Either way, this is not someone who's on your side. It shouldn't be this hard for you just to get something that should be freely given. For whatever reason, he's mean, stingy & selfish with you & the kids.

He paints himself as reasonable and logical and we're lucky to have him

Yes it can be. Sometimes it's not helpful to categorise people in terms of 'narcissist' and 'non-narcissist, but rather than traits that are on the spectrum.

Does he make out that his workplace would fall down without him? Does he monologue at people about boring minutiae of his business or corporate life? Make out that he's a super-hero and that barely anyone else could do what he does?

I mean there are jobs and situations like that out there, but there is a certain type of pompous, arrogant, lofty men who work in the corporate world like this. They make it to Director level, and then think they're 'The Chosen One' for the rest of their lives, even when they're retired. Everyone around them is either 'crazy' or just 'illogical' compared with their , superior intellect, which few could compete with.

This type is likely to think of their wife as a bit stupid. She may have started out as someone he viewed as his equal, but she is eventually designated to a sub-ordinate, almost employee-like status, who must not bother the C.E.O of the family with trivial matters, such as her health. No, as his personal, home-based, P.A, she must ensure the smooth running and functioning of the home without him, and never burden his Royal Highness for anything.

They have no plans at all in supporting her properly, and if they do, they'll bloody well remind her every chance they get because they're not naturally generous people.

This is not a matter of how responsibilities are shared practically - it's much more to do with status and what one person sees as being beneath them.

Well it sounds as if you hate him and want out, which is reason enough, and there are enough assets for everyone to get by.

The one thing I will say is be sure you really want to be a single parent, and let go of thinking you will ever prove to him that you are right and he is wrong and everything is all his fault. All he will think is "My ex wife was a difficult woman, but now I can get a nicer younger one".

Also when the children ask why the marriage ended, keep it to "neither your father and I were happy". Don't say anything about him not going for bike rides and watching TV with them, because they probably don't mind nearly enough about those things to prefer that their parents split up.

Yes he definitely has narcissist traits - wanting to impress and get validation from people (work and other relatives) but with no regard for or emotional investment in his family who he should have intuitive protective instincts for and who should be his priority.

I agree narcissism is too readily thrown around but I think it's also not helpful to completely disregard it as a condition, as an understanding of it can help to make sense of the situation someone is in and help them to determine if this is a relationship they want to continue with.

I also agree not to mention bike rides etc to your children as this could be damaging for them. Easier said than done I know, but they are aware he doesn't put them at the top of his priority and as they mature, they'll realise this even more.

Lots of luck to you. You/everyone deserves to be happy and treated properly.

It doesn't matter what he is or isn't. You are not supported or happy. Either leave him there, ignore him and build your own life or file for divorce.

This seems familiar.

I don't want to parent on my own but I'm doing that a lot now anyway.
I don't need to prove anything to him: We live different lives and it's not working out.

I don't know what to tell the children.
Probably: We live different lives and it's not working out.
You can still see Dad.
Needless to say, he moved out of our bedroom ages ago - saying I talked in my sleep. I.was okay with that cos he was burping and getting up to wee a few times.
It's the lack of time/care together when we're both awake!

Mayyay, they already notice and comment.
They both say they spend more time with friends fathers than their own - and that's not much when their teenagers!

HRTFT but from your OP I can see you almost created seperate lives before your illness, yours including all the wife/ parenting drudge work. He was OK with that but that's all you're getting from him. The reason you're so angry is you now know he isn't there for you, that he won't step up when you need him to.
DH and I have no hobbies in common and socialised separately. On paper we are chalk and cheese. However, when I developed a life limiting condition he knew he had to step into my shoes. He does the lifts, shopping, walks the dog, etc.
We had a bit of a trad-wife set up before I became ill but I always felt DH's equal. We chose that life together. Now I can't do a lot, he has stepped up. I still feel his equal, despite medically retiring in my 40s.
I would be beyond angry if he not only supporting me in my time of need but was playing the hero to someone else. It demonstrates a level of contempt, like he knows what he should be doing and is choosing not to. It would have me seriously considering our life together. I'm sorry he's such a dick.

I really feel for your children.
They are so verbal on his lack of involvement which speaks volumes.
I would be framing things that they are wonderful people but it is HIS issue that he chooses to do his own thing.

My late father was very similar. Absolutely no engagement or interest in his children at all, and yet was wounded in his latter years when they had zero time or interest in him.
The "Cat's in the Cradle" song is a familiar reality for many adults.

In truth you don't miss what you never had, well I certainly didn't, fortunately I had other wonderful father figures in my life. I grieved the father of one of my oldest friends 100 times more than my own.
Such is life.

Sound Iike this post nails it to me.

He was annoyed his PA / nanny / housekeeper was sick, rather than having any actual concern for you

Yes.
Now I'm upset.
I didn't want this type of marriage.

Mitski & Gold, how are you now?
I'm sorry you're ill Mitski.
I'm glad you have support.

His family say he works too hard but he has to.
The children reply no, he wants too
My sons asked for another father!
I've told him it's not that simple!!
I won't be looking for a replacement.

OP, he’s not going to put up any fight about the marriage but he will about finances

if i were you… i’d finish my training and the. before i get a job…. end it with him. Before doing so though, gather as much docs and evidence as you can

who was this family member?

and wok i be correct in thinking… you and this particular family member aren’t exactly… close