I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

You will need to schedule time with people who get you over the next 18 months!

What about a walking buddy in the evening when the children are put down.

Put some energy in to this.

@Thirtylifecrisis

yeah I get it OP especially regarding the holiday.

It just sounds so kind of functional. He sounds sensible I guess…but dull. it’s great he’s child- orientated but he needs to be you- orientated as well.

I see why you struggle. He needs to be putting in work to make this feasible not just you.

@Thirtylifecrisis

DP has surface level conversation. He's very practically minded and isn't a deep thinker at all.. about anything. This is what makes it difficult. I like to chat about all sorts of weird and wonderful things. With DP either he's interested or he isn't. He's very black and white. I both admire and detest it. Admire because he really knows himself and his own mind. Plus he doesn't suffer any type of mental health issues. He's very level headed and constant. But detest because there is very limited conversation.

I could have written this op.

@PeloMom

but you’re on holiday! Going to bed early every night, not having a drink etc to be fresh for the next day… al
a bit practical and functional for a holiday no? Uploads are about the parents not just the kids! And why would they be chatting about pointless” things?

@LuckySantangelo35 have you been on ‘holiday’ with 2 little kids? It’s barely a survival 🤣
and I don’t go to bed early for the kids( I go for me as I have to be the one parenting next day. I suspect the dude is taking on quite a bit of the load so that OP has the capacity to ponder so much and have energy for late night chats.

@PeloMom

i think that’s really harsh to suggest that Op is doing less parenting than him and that’s why she has the inclination to want some spend on holiday trying to develop and nurture her relationship with her partner!!

@Thirtylifecrisis I would like to offer 2 alternative perspectives. My very close friend and myself.

Myself: I fell head over heels in love with my now husband when I first met him. We went on romantic holidays a few times per year. We never ran out of things to talk about. The sex was passionate. He was my best mate and lover and basically the perfect man all in one. Fast forward to now. We talk mostly logistics because 1) we need to plan given we have a toddler and 2) we can barely maintain a conversation with a screaming toddler. And on the rare date nights conversation either goes to logistics / schools / renovating the kitchen because it's a rare chance to discuss these things, or the conversation doesn't flow as easily because we're not in the habit of doing it I guess (?) so it doesn't come as naturally. And sex is rare because who knows if our co sleeping toddler will see what mum and dad are doing and either be shocked why mummy is making weird noises or try to copy the actions on a play date. But I still love him and probably more than pre baby. What you're describing is maybe , in part , that you're not the most compatible couple but partly it's just the stage of life.

My close friend. When her husband is with her, he's very keen to discuss normal topics. They don't discuss logistics, he still wants passionate sex, which they do have because she feels she must be a good wife (and a good mum and a million other things). He's kind of disconnected from it all. He doesn't want to hear about potty training because he's tired at work so the topics are still "exciting" and not logistics. But the mental load is 100% on her. Doesn't sound great either does it.

Ditto

OP, it sounds like you and i have a lot in common. I am also the type of person who used to be able to get on with almost everyone and had very varied friends. I think sometimes this can mean you end up with people who maybe is not really your type, but because you easily click with people, it works for a while. In my case, and sorry if this does not help you, but I think it may, I have realised after having kids and having a mental health crisis with postnatal depression after the second one, that part of the reason I was able to connect with everyone was that I had not fully found out what was truly 'my jam'. What really matters to me, or rather, I knew, but I considered it boring or insignificant or unrealistic, so I always adapted to other people. A bit like Julia Robers in Run Away bride lol. And in fact I nearly was a run away bride. I now realise that quite a few of the people I used yo hang out with, you know, I don't like them that much deep down. I just thought it was important to have loads of freinds and prided myself on that, and the varied aspect as well. But though a long and painful process of introspection and reflection and therapy and trial and error and honesty, I realised that I truly need to put down much firmer boundaries and saying no to things I don't love is okay. Having kids helps prioritise as there is just less time so you inevitably ask yourself, do I really want to spend time listening to that indie band/binge watching that show/drinking fancy drinks at that bar? and a lot of times you will find that the answer is yes less often than before.

On you DH, I would say that getting to know yourself better would help too. Maybe you will realise you also have more specific interests once you allow yourself to really lean into what you are most into.

Also, the two examples you mention are both you setting the parameters and scene for your interaction. Maybe he didn't find your questions interesting and or funny, and that is okay. Maybe he was not in the mood for cheese and wine and a night of chatting. Have you tried asking him what he would like to do? Take the starting point in his interests. Not every time, of course, there has to be a balance, but some of the time? Once you listen to him and meet him where he is, he may also become more interested in your stuff. I bet that is what you were both like when you met, open to each other's interests, but with time, we can get wound up in our own worlds and also think we know everything about our partners, and often times we don't, we just have to find ways to see them anew. This can require asking surprising questions, not about shark infested waters, but their childhood, first job, politics, whatever, things that take you further in the relationship.

@Thirtylifecrisis

Functional rather than whimsical isn't all bad. My DH would look at me like I was high if I asked him whether he'd rather be eaten by sharks or lions.

But start him off on the inner workings of cars, or conspiracy theories, or stupid things the dog did today, whether borlotti beans will grow in our climate, or different connections on the MCU and he'll chat for hours.

I've found myself developing interests in things I never even knew existed, because he is interested in them and I am interested in him.

You don't need to be "on" all the time, but if you can find new interests to chat about that he will also enjoy chatting about, it will become second nature.

This could be helpful OP @Thirtylifecrisis

What are his interests outside of you and the kids?

@leftorrightnow gosh yes that does sound similar to me!

I have had to massively scale back on my social life since having kids so I have been a lot more picky on when I do socialise.
This does mean I don't get as much of a variety as I once did.
I have found I've cultivated socialisation with a wide variety of mum's through groups. I went to a gospel church on Sunday with the kids with one mum I met who invited me which was a great experience. Ive also met all vegan/organic/hippy mums breastfeeding 5 year olds and back at work with 6 week old baby mums. But something has changed and I don't have the same fire I once had to keep the budding friendships going. I don't know if my interests in new things/people have changed or I'm just so knackered with 2 littles I don't have the headspace.

Because of how busy/tired life has become I'm more dependant on DP for that outlet. But we don't even have the same sense of humour so it's difficult.

@LuckySantangelo35

Thank you for your posts, they are much appreciated.
Before meeting me DP was quite adventurous and had interests. He lived and worked abroad for a few years. He went to festivals like Glastonbury and had a busy social life. However outside socialising he doesn't really have any hobbies. He goes to the gym every morning before work. He used to go fishing. Now and again he'll go to the pub to watch the football with mates. Once every 3/4 months since having kids.

He's let his friendships go. I encourage him all the time to go see his mates but he doesn't want too. He'd rather be with his family and at home. When he does eventually agree to see his friends he dreads it on the lead up and begrudgingly goes.

One thing I've thought about and hope doesn't happen is that he's subconsciously modelled our family/relationship on his parents. From the moment they got together they've been inseparable. His mum and dad have no friends, literally none. They don't even know their neighbours despite living there for years.
They focused their entire lives on their children and now grandchildren. They don't go anywhere unless it's for a family occasion and don't see anyone outside their adult children and grandchildren.
They have 0 hobbies and interests outside of that. They don't go on holiday or out for meals.
Despite them being inseparable they are not affectionate with eachother in any way. I've never seen them physically touch, infact I've never even seen them sat on the same sofa! It's very functional and practical.

They also only have surface level conversations. Very similar to DP. In fact the more I type the more I'm seeing how DP is an actual clone of them and it's like history repeating itself 😬

Things in common...if you don't have conflict about how to raise your kids or your home environment, then you must have a lot more in common than you think.

Do you enjoy decorating your home the same?
I am assuming you prep meals for the family and everybody eats together. Do you enjoy the same foods?
Do you enjoy being with your kids ? I am assuming you spend a lot of time together and do activities that everyone enjoys...

I think the "things in common" as in hobbies thing is overrated.

Just by sharing your life with someone, you automatically have stuff in common..

Op, there is this message that one person can't be everything. I understand that and I do think there is some validity to it. When you return to work, you will likely have others to talk to and this might satisfy some of the lack of in-depth conversation etc. I think the lack of connection is more obvious currently. I do think it is important to have other friends etc.

However fast forward (a long way in the future for you with young dc) - retirement. I think it would be very difficult. Suddenly, they are around and you are around and you become a bit more reliant on the interaction. The dc are older and there isn't that focus. This obviously isn't applicable to you, certainly not now - you are knee deep in bringing up dc. I think there is a bit more to it than having a practical person around. Your inlaws sound co-dependent rather pleasantly cocooned.

It is certainly not how I want to spend my latter years. There are a lot of issues surrounding my relationship (and it is much like you describe with your in-laws, lack of affection practical and functional) and I've come to the conclusion that I would rather be on my own than feel the awfulness I am feeling right now.

I think you are doing great; you are brave to have posted and put up with the backlash from strangers judging and critiquing your decisions and life choices when they have no right to judge. You shared your experience and have asked for some advice and help and you have been patient to put up with the crap from a bunch of strangers. It brings out the absolute worst in people, they should be ashamed.
I think people saying your relationship isn't worth working on don't sound to have kids or are the product of unhappy relationships themselves and think to walk away is the answer rather than watching parents argue and fight and not try to work at it. When you have made the investment with another person to have a family, they are in your life forever whether you separate or not. It is definitely worth investing 18 months of effort to try make it work. You have the rest of your life to be a part potentially from this man if you feel it'll never work. Your strategies sound good and are practical. Good luck and take care of yourself!

It’s so hard not to repeat patterns demonstrated to you when you’re so young.

If you want him to break out of this mould, he will have to work really hard to become aware of it and change. Does he want to do that?

This is what I think the answer is. Let him be the resident parent, claim associated benefits including childcare and rent. You can pay him a decent amount of maintenance and be a good and supportive co-parent.

Voilà he lives the dream with the kids, you regain some freedom and the chance to meet someone new.

@HuffPuffDown

Once my children started school - I’m afraid I can’t think of any other parents who are in the pwoar, rip each others clothes off stage of their relationship. Most are moaning about their DP, focussed on work, planning child care and activities and trying to get decent sleep! Those I know who have left their DP, I think they’ve often given themselves another set of issues - they don’t seem enviably happy.

You could break up but still live together. When I was in an unhappy marriage I asked my husband to leave but he needed time to find somewhere else. But because we were no longer a couple it took the pressure off. Tell him you're not happy and that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him. One of you could move in with a child, or buy a sofa bed for the living room. Say you want to keep things amicable for the children until there is a way for him to move out. He sounds like a good but feckless guy so I am sure he won't make life difficult - well he can't really or you'll throw him out. Go back to your maiden name if you took his and live separate lives under the same roof, including finances. Pay half and half for everything. All you really need to share is childcare and housework.

@Thirtylifecrisis have you considered couples counselling? DH and I just stated it and it’s doing wonders. Sometimes all you need is a bit of an outside perspective on things. Especially with someone who isn’t good at having deep
conversations, a trained professional to prompt thinking and conversations and interrupt cycles can really help! And if he’s so invested in making your relationship work, he should be up for it?

What this guy videos helped me so much
6

The man I really loved died of an undiagnosed heart complaint, we had 2 children. I met a decent guy, in every way but there never was a sexual spark. I have often wondered if he was gay. We got together and formed a friendship and raised my two kids and we had another. I sometimes thought I would leave when the kids had all left but our son stayed and stayed. So did I.
all I can offer is that I have 3 stable successful kids and I friend who I get on with well mostly. Not sure what I should have done, but this worked for the kids and I was mostly happy. My DH had 2 affairs during the many years we had. Both times the woman was the instigator. That’s what he needs. One didn’t regard the affair as lasting, the other smashed up his office and told me I had a sad husband, in an insulting sense.. She worked for him and was looking for security for her own kids I guess.Sorry for the ramble. I left it too late to go but he might. The sex would have helped I guess.

So without my alternative interactions and outlets our differences really are more apparent and much more difficult for me to fathom

Wait until you're retired, in England, in the winter. With no money.

Op I've read all your posts in one but none of the replies.

I see so much of my own life & relationship in what you've posted. I'm just a few more years down the line.

I sometimes wonder what if I'd left when DC was a toddler & I was where you are.

One thing I'll say is he's telling you who he is and he won't change. So you need to make decisions based on that not false hope of change.

Lots of people are in loveless relationships 'for the sake of the DCs' or other practical reasons. It's taboo in society to acknowledge this. I never thought in a million years this would be me. I was very independent in my youth, just like you.

Lighthearted! [a man in this situation would just have an affair!]

I don't really have any advice. I was told to LTB an age ago on MN. I ignored that. I've been unhappy for years. But would the alternative have been any better? I honestly don't know. There have been some good things/positives from having DP at home. I think us co-parenting in different jones would have been highly problematic and resulted in a lot of conflict. Once you've broken up your ex has no obligation to be kind to you! It's a huge risk and you can't go back. That's why so many stick with 'a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush'.

Also do t presume that because he's a very involved dad now he would be post split. There are lots of MN threads from women who assumed their highly involved ex-DPs would do a lot of childcare post split but that tails off esp if he gets a new DP (even more so if he has more DC). I'd say in your situation there'd be a high likelihood that your DP would get a new DP and have more DC.

Also re his debt, has he seen a free independent debt advice service like the CAB? He would probably be better going bankrupt and having his debts wiped than paying an IVA for years.

You have my sympathies, it's a difficult situation to be in and can feel soul destroying.

I too chose to stay (in fact I wrote about it earlier in this thread and was positive about it!) but since then I've had one of my wobbles and it's all fallen apart. I think head versus heart. My head says this is a good relationship but my heart craves love and romance. I don't know what to do for the best. OP you have my sympathies.