I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

And he lied to her!

This is a major issue & will have contributed to his you feel about him

I feel for the OP & can't understand why people are focusing on him being a good bloke overriding character & moral flaws

the perfect partner doesn't exist and those who say it does are either lying or far too unfussy for their own good. gotta find someone whose annoying habits you can tolerate and who is KIND, trustworthy and you find attractive enough, and can have decent conversations with. If you have just that, I think you are winning. What you describe is just the reality of this phase of life and it wouldn't have been much better had you settled down with someone else. the children would still be there, the house would still be there to decorate, the partner would come with a different host of irritations. Imagine if he was always mean and controlling (i nearly ended up with someone like that, but thanfully saw sense).

Soo we had a big chat soon after I started this thread. Not a break up chat just a big in depth chat about how we are going to move forward with everything.

DP knows im unhappy. DP himself is happy and really wants to make this family work. He acknowledges how things can be a lot better between us and the issues we have.

So we came up with an action plan.

• DP has booked a GP appointment for his ED and also been referred for sex therapy. Hopefully blood tests and therapy will help.
• I've signed up for individual counselling to help me work through some things.
• We have organised a monthly date night/day. This will be activities based. When I say we have little in common I truly mean it. Hopefully focusing on an activity will help get conversation flowing.
• I'm going back to work next month which will likely help me in terms of more fulfilment and taking my mind off things. Too much time to dwell on things I think.

We've both said we'll throw everything at this for the next 18 months and both put in 100% during this time.
We both acknowledge that it is better for this kids if we remain together if possible.

We'll regularly check in with eachother during this time. Then re-evaluate things in 2026.

It's very difficult for me because we are just so different. But we do have the same goal which is the family and are both very committed to them. He's also very open to how he can make things work too, which from my understanding is half the battle.

So we shall see.

Im interested in the idea that you have nothing in common. There must be something that you both enjoy? You share the same values, the same political ideas? The same future dreams? There must be something there surely? Or is it that he has no interests or hobbies beside you and the children?

Why would you want to have sex with someone you don't have anything in common with? Or forced date nights to try find common ground? Sounds like ridiclious martyrdom to me.

I'm sorry op but whilst this might all seem...practical. It's really just cramming two jigsaw pieces that don't fit, together. And ignoring that they don't fit, humming with your fingers in your ears.

Practical would perhaps be breaking up but agreeing to continue living together as friends for the kids sake for the short to moderate term.

Considering you're both capable of mature discussion and coming up with action plans, I don't see why that couldn't be possible. Rather than this ridiclious...farce. Sorry, but it is a farce. I can't think of anything more grim than padding out the walls of your own prison and trying to convince yourself it's not a prison because you picked the wallpaper.

You don't like him that way anymore. Accept it. Break up and look at how you can still both be there for the kids. But don't continue (or start) sleeping with someone you aren't even into. That's just grim.

This is all ideal world stuff. Reality is people will rightly try to stay together for the kids.

I think she is doing the right thing personally. Life isn't all roses sometimes and you need to make the best of a situation.

@MaxTalk

staying together for the kids rarely works out well though.
its better for children to have happy parents who live apart than miserable parents who are together.

Well done OP.
I think you are brilliant.
You have great self awareness and self reflection.
You are right to throw everything at it so that your conscions is clear.
You are clearly a doer.
Best of luck to you and your family.

Life is ours and what we make it. Who cares what other people do! Most people never have an epiphany that marriage and kids ruined their life. That they shouldn't have done it.

Op has, so now she has the opportunity to take decisions to change things. She doesn't need to bury her head in the sand. She literally has the key to change things. It just requires being willing to be a little bold. To say 'hang on, just because most people plod on together desperately trying to make it work, doesn't mean I have to. Because I already KNOW it doesn't work'.

Have the courage to trust your own convictions and step out of the matrix. Find a different solution that doesn't involve continuing something that you know isn't for you.

Fuck what everyone else does. Fuck staying together for the kids (which is usually a terrible idea anyway! Why would you want a monotonous tomb of a marriage to be their model for relationships?).

You think you're picking the easy route. The 'supposed to' route. But really you're just painting your own chains. And you know this!

I'm not suggesting you pack a bag and catch a plane to some foreign land and abandon your kids (at least, not perminantly xD). But ffs don't force a relationship that doesn't work. It's silly! You only have one life. Split, work to co-parent effectively. Take back some freedoms you've lost. It is possible.

Don't fucking settle!

I think you are doing the right thing op, given the ages of your dc, return to work etc. I think it is right to give it another go, otherwise you might always be wondering.

However, I did try this to some degree and it didn't work for me. It did feel a bit forced and stilted Just not enough in common, values, hobbies, interests, parenting styles and so on. I'm glad I gave it a go. I wish you all the very best.

You do have things in common, you are both fighters for your relationship- trying to keep one works better if you both want it.
he sounds adaptable to making it work which is great.
I hope you find that ‘thing’ that you need.
go easy on yourself though - you’ve been through a lot, having children also changes you. I really do hope things work out, you sound like two decent people.

What drew you to him in the first place? Surely you must have had things in common when you started dating as you say yourself you were happy to move on when things didn’t work out? You don’t strike me as someone who would stay purely to spare their feelings just because they’re nice. And given that sex wasn’t/isn’t amazing then I’m wondering how you managed to get beyond the first few dates?

So it might be worth thinking about what drew you to him in the first place and use that as a starting point. Maybe try some activities that you neither of you have ever done before and see if you can find a common interest there. Maybe something adrenaline-fuelled to satisfy the need for adventure now that you’re not travelling so much.

Good luck, I hope you both find happiness one way or another

I don’t think that’s a fair statement. There was clearly SOMETHING she liked once, and her DP is happy… which means that there is probably something that can be fixed. I would personally rather have a cushy life with someone who I wasn’t 1000% into, as long as they were happy and a good person, than upheaval my life and kids 🤷‍♀️ besides, once you pass the honeymoon stage, romance becomes love from respect, shared values and shared history. Lots of couples don’t have anything in common, myself and my partner don’t have an awful lot in common, but we make each other laugh and support each other’s hobbies. He’ll game while I sit beside him and paint, or he’ll take me shopping and help me find a dress and then we’ll go home and watch something on TV I hate but he loves. It’s the way life goes

Going back to work may help, well done for actioning some ideas.
my husband and I have different interests, he’s more introverted than I and politically we have slightly different leanings.

However we get along really well, have similar values, enjoy hearing about each others interests and we join each other sometimes. We both like eating out and sightseeing - not that we get a lot of opportunities but we try and I actually prefer this way now than having a lot of shared interests with someone. This way I learn a lot of new things.

go for it, I hope you enjoy it all.

@Pinkbonbon I completely get what your saying. Prior to my initial post I felt the same whilst posting.

But what this thread has helped me do is truly look at things from a pragmatic lense and not an emotional one.

Pragmatically us separating makes everyone's life worse, including my own. There really are no winners in that scenario. Eventually we may all be happy but that'll be many years away realistically. Why put myself and my family through years of emotional, physical and mental upheaval, logistical stressors and very limited resources just so we can maybe be happier in 5+ years ?
Rather than spend those years putting everyone through that I can stay, really try and make it work whilst everyone receives the benefits.

If it doesn't work out we'll both be in a much better place to separate without having gone through crap to get there.

Loving together whilst not being together and also swinging (as suggested by others), really wouldn't work for us for a wide variety of reasons. Either I'm in or I'm out and when I'm out, I am gone! Life is complicated enough without adding in any new players or complex relationship dynamics. I have two babies to think about.

I need to know in my heart and soul that I did everything to keep the unit but it was irrevocably broken.

Many posters were right in that I am selfish by nature when it comes to relationships. I probably put more effort into friends than I do partners. I'm intolerant of bullshit despite the fact I probably bring some bullshit to the table too.

My mindset has always been there's one rule for them and none for me, because I'm not making anyone stay. Plus I'm not compromising my one and only life for a conditional romantic partner. Partners come and go. So live as I want.

But I realised the other night he isn't one of these 'conditional' men. He's the father of my kids so is now going to be in my life unconditionally, even if we split. So my approach needs to be different.

Also my mother (another story) whom I'm very close too has a similar mindset and tbh as a child, it wasn't all great.

She's a fab mother in many ways and also a staunch feminist and a complete hippy. She's currently travelling around the country with her pets in her motorhome, on her own, selling handmade crafts at festivals. It's a great life and a free life. She is a total powerhouse. She's given me a lot of strength in many ways. But there are downsides to emotionally living this way and her flaws have also rubbed off on me.

I'm going to really try this whole conventional way of living thing.

I know it seems the easy way out but actually it's the hardest way of I'm honest. But I need to at least try.

I understand the 'lets just give it our best shot' last try...but to me it seems more complicated, not less. You don't like someone in the way you want to. Hanging around trying to make a square into a circle is never going to work out imo.

Though I understand you feel it may give your kids more stability for some time.

But I believe you don't want the turmoil of ending things. That the not knowing what he will do with himself or what thibfs will be like after he leaves is actually your main fear. That THAT is what making you stay. Not because it's best for you or the kids. Just fear of change. Or of trying to escape and realising it's not possible because you just can't hold your nerve or because of some unforseen circumstance.

I think you'd be better to rip the plaster off.
Because I know you say you're staying because you think it's best...but I suspect uts because you're afraid to trust your own instincts.

Sorry if that seems patronising. But it just seems to me like you really cried out for help with this thread and now you're all back in the box that you really, truly want out of but are just afraid to leap.

@Thirtylifecrisis i think you sound like you have a great level of self awareness, and that’s the start of having a good life and relationship.

your action plan sounds good, but the thing I’m mainly impressed by and see hope for you is you’ve realized that your partner will be in your life for the rest of your life no matter what. This can take time to come to terms with for some of us, I know it did for me.

So as this will always be the reality with the father of your children, you need to find the best possible solution for all of you. Going for solutions that just work for you is very shortsighted. Of course there are huge caveats if there is abuse or other serous issues, and in that case you can’t take your partners’ needs into consideration, but this isn’t the case for you. So your approach sounds sensible.

The one thing I would say though is - and it sounds as if you know this already a bit from the way you grew up - but being a family can look like a lot of different things. Just because you’re a traditional family unit of mum and dad and kids, this doesn’t mean you also have to live conventionally.
No problem if you want to and do, by all means go ahead, but it sounds like you’re struggling with the conventional lifestyle a bit.

Just because you stay with him doesn’t mean you have to also have a perfect dinnerware set, a spotless home and Sunday roasts, holidays in Center Parks and live in the suburbs in a family size home etc etc. You can be a family in lots of ways. Experiment and try to have fun with it, I know it’s tough once kids are in daycare or school, but even within that, you can find your own ways of doing things. Don’t think you have to bring cakes for every bake sale or that it’s the end of the world if your kid decides only ever to wear mismatched socks and co-sleeps still at the age of 7, as one of mine does, for example. Don’t worry about others expectations so much, unless it’s those nearest and dearest to you.

Maybe creating more freedom and space in your life in general will also make you feel happier and able to see what attracted you to your partner to begin with.

good luck!

@Thirtylifecrisis I agree with your post- it may well be further down the line it doesn't work for you - but as you clearly do still care, he will at least be hopefully in a better place in a few years to set himself up- and that is better for your kids too

Sometimes these posts remind of the saying if all you have is a hammer all you see is a nail. As soon as anyone voices dissatisfaction with their relationship on MN, a whole brigade of people shouting divorce him! Jump out. In some cases it’s clear to see why, but in this case it seems a bit of a simplistic response.

Key to all of this is the OP is still on Mat leave.
Returning to work full-time with two young children is no laugh.
The support of an involved committed father, will ease a difficult transition undoubtedly irrespective of her feelings for/about him.

The next few years will be busy, no need to make them needlessly harder.
The OP needs her energy for her career long term and she can focus on that better with support.

The OP has a family and she has made some choices that perhaps took her on a path she would now side step.

However she is on this path and is rightly making the choice for the next 18 months to not make things harder for herself as she returns to a career that she needs.

I rarely disagree with @Pinkbonbon but riping off the plaster while on mat leave does not strike me as the best plan for the OP right now.

One of the challenges with having children is having to think beyond what you would ultimately do if only thinking for yourself, and be strategic, looking futher down the road to mitigate tough choices and unforseen consequences.

Lovely.

Who said anything about "settling"?

No one and no life is perfect - there isn't some utopia somewhere that the OP is yet to find.

Everyone makes their own decisions and judgements but happiness and the factors impacting that change over one's lifetime.

Being aware of that is important.

That's not to say you should stay in a dead and truly terrible marriage of course but taking a pragmatic view often works. A level head is what's required sometimes...

Sorry if that seems patronising. But it just seems to me like you really cried out for help with this thread and now you're all back in the box that you really, truly want out of but are just afraid to leap.

I have people around me who have tried to put me back in the box so to speak. This is a really good way of putting things. These people have not held proper space for me.

However, I think op, practical considerations win out here for various reasons. Also, I don't think you'll regret giving it another go (and you have also added a time frame which is helpful) and who knows it may or may not work out but you would have given it your best shot. Difficult, so difficult making this decision for all sorts of reasons.

To others asking about how we have nothing in common. It's hard to explain but I'll try. Maybe you'll have some tips for me?

So I can talk to 99% of people very easily. Rude people, batshit people, boring people etc. My professional life pretty much depends on it.
I can find common ground with the most eccentric of them including the neighbour down the street everyone avoids because they keep pet rocks in their house 🤣.

I make friends wherever I go and have a lot of good friends. I'm my single days you'd catch me spending a Tuesday supporting an indie friend in a band although I'm not indie, wednesday night drinking wine at a book club for divorced women (despite never been married), Thursday night in my pyjamas at my single mum friends house binging a box set to keep her company. Very varied.

This also went hand in hand with dating. I could always find things in common with people. Even the very worst date Id find myself on I could find a common ground somewhere to get us through drinks.

Now with DP I find myself having to do that in order for us to chat. To be 'on' if that makes sense? To be the one to find the common ground because it doesn't come naturally.

DP has surface level conversation. He's very practically minded and isn't a deep thinker at all.. about anything. This is what makes it difficult. I like to chat about all sorts of weird and wonderful things. With DP either he's interested or he isn't. He's very black and white. I both admire and detest it. Admire because he really knows himself and his own mind. Plus he doesn't suffer any type of mental health issues. He's very level headed and constant. But detest because there is very limited conversation.

I appreciate I'm a bit of a wild card but he struggles to even humour me sometimes.

Random example of me making conversation beyond surface level chat about our day:

Me - would you rather be dropped in a lions den to be eaten or in shark infested waters?
Him - why on earth would you say that?!
Me - well.. which one? If you had to pick?
Him - neither! How morbid!

And that ladies and gentleman.. is how it goes!

Another example which I was messaging a mumsnetter about was on holiday.

I had decided to really make an effort on holiday a few months back. We had the little ones with us for a family trip away for a week. I thought to myself once the toddler was in bed we could have a cheese board and some nice wine and I even bought us a board game as a focus point to warm up conversation.
In my mind we'd be drinking fine wine, enjoying the posh cheese and chatting away until midnight.

What happened? DP didn't fancy any cheese so I ate that myself. He played the board game but moreso to humour me than genuinely want to play it. He drank half a glass of the wine and then got a can of coke.
During the game he went through the logistics of the plans for the next day. Then after the game he yawned that he was knackered and best to get to bed as we'd be up early with the baby so we'd play again another night. Then off he went to sterilise some bottles and brush his teeth.

This is what I'm working with.

If I was to explain to him how that wasn't the vibe I was after he'd apologise and want to 'try again'. But by that point it'd be awkward and forced. It defeats the object of genuine communication and connection. It isn't natural.
He doesn't do it out of badness. It's just how he is.

I currently have all my friends for my conversational needs and banter. But since having the babies the world gets smaller and smaller so he is the only guaranteed adult conversation I'll have in person daily. So without my alternative interactions and outlets our differences really are more apparent and much more difficult for me to fathom.

I think going back to work will really help me with this aspect. But if anyone has any tips please do share. Clutching at straws here 🤣🤣

Given your latest update, I have no advice but it made me laugh as in our relationship I’m just like your DP. I don’t know if perspective would be helpful at all, re the holiday bit, bit I wouldn’t drink as I wouldn’t want to wake up with a banging headache and having to parent 2 kids all day on top of it. Also by the time kiddo is in bed, I’m pretty tired so I don’t want to stay up unnecessarily to chat for pointless things; I’d rather sort the plan for next day out and get some shit eye at a good hour.

He sounds like a good and decent man. No mental health problems, sterilises bottles... Sometimes the grass isn't greener and you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. You can't expect to have all of your needs met by just one person. I think that going back to work and making the perimeters of your daily life bigger will help you feel more fulfilled.