I can relate to some of this.
I too was an independent woman, good job, had my own place, spent my spare time free doing as I wanted had a range of different friends for different situations, I was loving life. Just as I turned 30 I began then to look for a life partner, after a couple of years we moved in together but as they worked away with work, we were not living in each others pockets and still had a lot of independence. Then with a conversation on timing for children instigated by my husband, as whilst I wanted them I wasn’t focused on when at that point. He was ready and that was I suppose the tipping point of my life direction a little like a passenger to use your words.
We had the chat of the fact my current job didn’t lend itself to being child friendly and being a planner I couldn’t foresee it working going back to work. With him working away, I needed to see how I was going to make it work , first Big mistake! So I changed my job, to make it work , took a side step despite being ready career wise for promotion, so I saw people overtake me in that year or pregnancy , because I was preparing for a family, it didn’t feel great but I knew it was required. Our daughter came along and I brought my daughter up a little bit like a single parent, due to my Husbands work and me being on Mat leave so I didn’t mind. But I had no life outside of the family, we didn’t Jane family locally and we had moved to a new area to have children so friends network was only establishing so I didn’t do anything for myself for 18 months. I didn’t really think too much about it during first child, it was all new and I was focused on getting to grips with motherhood.
when I went back to work I basically gave myself a 3yr set back in my career the frustration set in, things were harder due to going back part time, but I made the choice family first career to work round it so working part time was necessary. But my husband was selfish I saw sides of him not so evident pre children , he did his hobbies and I had no time for mine.
when we had our second child it was after Covid he had a different approach to work, being around working from home. So could get involved more. Just before going on Mat leave a second time , I got my deserved promotion , showing I could do a full time job in part time hours, but I got the job during covid so working from home was easy to manage the pressures around child care pick ups etc. going back to work after my second having a more pressured job and now two kids my husband needed to be more involved and his work now meant he wasn’t working away as much at all.
The second child was the straw that broke up the bubble, the more flexibility in his work schedule didn’t translate in supporting my career in helping managing two kids and our lives, no he took up a new hobbie meaning he was training 6 times a week. He was less present. We got a nanny so for him that was justification to just not help and anytime I needed help co-ordinate a drop off with them at different places he would just say get the nanny to do it. But it wasn’t practical or cost effective, when he was around to do it, if not just sorting himself out in the morning around his hobbies.
my career in his eyes became the tension, I was always there to support the family and his work but when my career picked back up again he wasn’t there to share the load despite, his work no longer creating the barrier , or I could understand it.
my career is part of my identity and independence and whilst I have happily made sacrifices for my family for balance , he expects me to just bend to make his life easy and enable him to do what he wants but I get no time for myself, and I still do most things myself. After many fights and arguments, he does not help more but it’s been an unnecessary struggle which puts me now as being checked out of the relationship in some respects. I am expected to not be fulfilled and it has made me resent motherhood after the second. A feeling I have been robbed of the things that make me happy , a sense of losing my identity and self and I am on a path I didn’t sign up for, or felt was destined when I met my husband , I was a strong independent person , but pragmatic and I feel my pragmatism has been exploited and I have ended up with a selfish self centred husband and my family feeling like a tension, I either continue the fight to have both with 0 support so it’s exhausting. Or I concede and give up on my career to be less stressed and lose a part of myself that makes me fulfilled.
I have spoken to my husband about calling his bluff and taking a career break, but when it comes down to it, he doesn’t want that either , so I am now in a situation he creates drama when my job causes a tension but he doesn’t want to do anything about it, it did pave the way for him to help more, but now that just transpires to him now seeing me as lazy or he feels resentful for helping. So I personally have had enough. But I got two young kids who dote on their dad, and I just feel trapped in a life circumstance I didn’t choose and can’t see how I ended up here, and feel depressed about it now.
essentially it’s an identity crisis in both our circumstances, because as with life it doesn’t come with a road map and real life doesn’t work out like we planned, as is life, events shape how we end up where we are and we make our choices and decisions based on how situations present itself. At the moment I know that leaving the relationship isn’t the right decision right now, so I focus on my mental health , focus on making memories with my family, still advocating for fairness in the relationship, but also being mindful of my need to think about a what if scenario in divorce , as our mental health and fulfilment is importance for us being a great parent too.
so my advice would be don’t think of the big wide picture right now, as the big wide picture will evolve , but it’s ok to think about what life might look like separate, to help with planning , to help you make a decision of next steps. But in the short term, work on your mental health , work on doing things to take care of you, because I know part of the issues in my relationship is we can’t be part of a loving relationship if we don’t love and feel confident and be happy ourselves and our happiness cannot be dependant on others they can’t do that us for us. Having a 6 month old is the hardest time with two children it really is a challenge. So do focus on healing yourself and taking time out for you. Only then can you come into being present on what this means for your relationship and family.
good luck. It isn’t easy, I see progress in my relationship , so that is being worked on and marriage isn’t easy , you just need to keep communication open , and advocate for your needs. I wouldn’t make rash decisions , but I would plan for different situations , which is what I am doing , so I feel I am in control and it really helps with those feelings of being trapped and I have realised that feeling going , makes me more rationale on what I want , and sometimes it is our fears we are trying to escape and blame the situation for it, rather than is the split what you want.
just give yourself time and grace, plan for different outcomes so you are in control and as we have children timing has to be more planned if you do move apart , but it’s done right, or you may just resolve the issues in the process. Good luck x x