I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

The bar is so low for men,
I think for so long we have relied on the self sacrifice of women to always put their wants and needs last but now they are (rightfully) less willing to do so. The birth rate will just continue to drop.

He may be lacking in his male energy, some trauma blocking his flow (creativity, abundance, sexuality). His lack of sexual power is also going to affect his ability to manifest abundance for you all, which is why he puts himself in the female role of helping out a lot.

What a load of utter, sexist bollocks.

@OutsideLookingOut
I agree, for the most part women, if they wanted to have a family (and have any security and stability in life) would have to suppress themselves and put the needs of the man first, because he was in control- because he earned the money.

So he got to live a full life indulge; himself with his hobbies and interests, have a sense of achievement and accomplishment from earning money. And she mostly didn't feel able to complain because there didn't seem to be many other options for women.
Now that women are able to be the breadwinner men don't want to take a hit, they still want to be the boss. Still want the status of being a parent, a family man who's reliable and dependable, and still want to live a full life indulge themselves etc.

But women are no longer prepared to make the sacrifices that allowed men to do this, why the hell should we !?

My ex is a wonderful man, an amazing father and a fabulous friend. He just wasn’t the man I was supposed to be with. And that’s ok.
He is also not well off financially so is moving into a house share. Let’s get real, it’s not ideal, BUT, not all house shares are as you think.
My ex has moved into a big house as the only tenant with the live in land lord. His bills are all included, he has a whole floor to himself plus the run of the house AND the landlord is very supportive of him having our daughter to stay a couple of nights a week, plus extra nights for dinner etc(even offering to buy a futon for her to have a place to sleep).
It’s a brave move to make but you’re not happy so it needs to be done.
I’m now in a relationship with my soul mate. Absolutely made for me. Everyone is happier.
By staying, you are denying yourself a fulfilling life. You’re also denying him.
IVA’s aren’t as bad as people make out. In 2026 he will start building his credit rating back up again and have a fresh start.
He’s a grown ass man. He will be fine.
The blessing is that you’ve chosen a great man as a father for your children.
Please consider making difficult decisions before irreversible resentment kicks in.
I’m sorry to hear of your father.
Good luck xx

@Sorostas great post.
Your husband is a selfish twat, which makes things very hard.

OP, ignore the belittling posts that cannot tolerate any self doubt from a woma🙄.
You are not the first nor last woman in a situation that deeply loves her children but deeply regrets the path they took.

It is possible to feel both things.

I think therapy would be great for you because you have great self knowledge and reflection.
Your fathers sudden death profoundly threw you off balance and affected your thinking without doubt IMO.

As did your truly broken heart.

I think his lies and debt are deal breakers irrespective of his good efforts at fatherhood.
Lies are not something that I choose to ever move on from.
You were deliberately prevented from making choices to protect yourself.

Thank god you are not married.
I think you are wise to do the best you can with this situation and focus on making yourself as strong and independent as possible over the next 3 years.
Revisit this when the debt is gone, children are a bit bigger and school/free hours are approaching.
Stick rigidly to 50/50 so that any future split would be less painful and disruptive to the children's routine.

Build an independent life, network, support from him for yourself that would compliment a future split.
In essence hope for the best, but absolutely prepare for the worst.

It is very clear you love your children dearly and this is very difficult for you.
Take your time as planned and things will become clearer as time goes on.
It is not wrong to want some happiness for yourself while still being a loving parent.

Yeah, you’re fucked! I did the same. Bad luck you

Just leave now - If you wait too long it’ll be harder on the children. Sounds like your future ex will be a good co-parent. I’ve been the guy with the debts - it may even be a factor in his ED. Find someone more compatible.
That said, realise your twenties are over, you are in a different phase of your life. Not saying you can’t have fun but you’ll never regain that carefree life - you had kids it was your choice - take responsibility.

Op has said in her title she ruined her life by having a family, and then went on regretting not able to live the fun life with her aparment being called shag pad by friends, when people made assumptions about husband being more involved in parenting suddenly OP is upset. Maybe think before you write so it is clear to posters if you have low tolerance to responses.

Was this response to me in error? I think sharing the care of your children is the bare minimum yet we praise men for this and don't praise women for it. I think people are allowed to feel regret with life even if it makes us feel uncomfortable. It is also okay if all women do not want the same thing, that is why women can be more openly and freely single and childfree these days. There was a lot more stigma in the past though some people are still stuck in it.

I still feel the bar for men is very low indeed.

Christ Almighty God what have I just read?

It seems to me that you need to get off of your incredibly high horse and come back down to reality.

You have spent the last decade or so in your twenties, flying about the world and spending your time and money frolicking around living life like an adolescent after their first pay day - great for you. But did you think this was going to last your whole life? Sooner or later you're going to have to start behaving like an adult and taking some damn responsibility for yourself.

It sounds like you have a man currently who puts his children and you first. He sounds quite kind and respectful. He works, he doesn't abuse you and it seems as though he is doing his best to support you where he can. In fact you yourself have said in your write up that he has been a good support for you when times get hard.

You say you don't have anything in common, but have you actually tried to find something? Or have you just spent your time wallowing in self pity? I imagine the latter is more likely than the former.

Couples sex lives after children completely turns into nothing most of the time, get over it, and get over yourself. If you actually put some effort into your relationship and your sex life you will find some mutual ground and you will both be satisfied, it will get better once the stresses of very young children pass. Perhaps he has some further health issues, had you considered that? And maybe he is embarrassed about it? Have you even asked, or though about asking? I'd imagine not.

I agree it looks as though he has some flaws and needs to work on his relationship with money, but from what I can read you also have a huge amount of growing up to do and flaws of your own. You mentioned that he lost his job, and you were then considering kicking him out because of it? What an incredibly self centred, shallow person you must be.

You have got yourself into this situation, making adult decisions, as an adult. And now because you are not willing to put the work into a relationship, what? You're going to consider a decision that is going to ruin not only this guys life, but the life of your children too. All because you regret that fact that you no longer can go wine tasting (even though you've mentioned that he takes the kids often, allowing you to go out with your friends no questions asked. I wonder how many times you have done the same?) or plan spontaneous holidays with your friends.

Look at what you have, and consider what he offers. And consider your own flaws. And consider only the important things. No wine tasting with the girls bullshit. No moaning about not being able to go on holiday and wasting your time and money. You've spent your time so far, for a decade "having fun" and you've been hit with the harsh reality that life is not fun like you imagined. It's hard. Relationships are hard, my gosh they are hard. The most compatable people need to put in a huge amount for work as a relationship goes on. Life isn't a storybook where you are the author, things happen, shit happens, decisions are made and consequences (although not for you it seems, if you have it your way) lived with.

Sort yourself out. Have some respect. Have some compassion for this guy who seems to be putting his family first. Perhaps your goals should shift too, and you should work to secure the longevity of your family, and work to make it work, rather than worrying about how you're going to book that next trip to Rome.

Your whole write up is just so typical of our generation, (I'm imagining your are in your 30s now, like me) it's just passages and passages of complaining, not taking responsibility for yourself and not wanting to take responsibility for others when it matters. I am sorry that this reply has come across as hostile, but this post has genuinely annoyed me with just how much self pity it spews. I hope to god that you do a hell of a lot of growing up in a very short space of time. Take some responsibility for yourself and realise that you aren't a 20something year old anymore who can waste her time doing nothing that matters.

Breaking up can be a solution but it's not some kind of easy solution. When kids are involved you shouldn't just break up as soon as you are dissatisfied with your relationship. Yes a relationship can get bad enough that you need to end it but you need to ask yourself what you think you will achieve in doing so. Simply stating " At least I won't be in a pretend relationship with someone I don't truly love" sounds great in a cheesy romcom. In real life this shit has consequences.

To all the people recommending the split as an obvious solution, the OP will simply jump from dissatisfaction in one relationship to dissatisfaction in another relationship, writing a similar post about how this next guy sounded so great, so promising, only to fail to "deliver" and fail to meet her expectations. Why am I so certain? Because people are human, they are not characters in a poor-quality Netflix series.
This is someone who seriously needs to do some work on herself and maybe realise she is not the catch and the bundle of fun she thinks she is.

I think this is incredibly harsh - OP is in a difficult position trying to work out what to do for the best. It certainly isn’t black and white. Yes we have to learn to take responsibility as we get older, and that can mean making sacrifices, but ignoring our own individual needs can cause huge problems in the long term. We need to be the best version of ourselves to be the best parents to our children, and sometimes - not always - that means making a difficult decision to walk away. OP isn’t making any rash decisions, and understands that now is probably not the time, but her feelings are valid and shouldn’t be so easily dismissed. We’re allowed to grieve the lives we no longer have while accepting the need to adjust and move forward.

Not true. I divorced 10 years ago I've not jumped from one disaster relationship to another. In fact I've embraced being single with kids.
For me breaking up saved my mental health, stopped me from taking my own life.
People that haven't been in this situation just don't understand how awful it can be.
So he's a good bloke mostly, doesn't mean that just cos the op is miserable she should stay with him. All the medication in the world may not help her, it certainly didn't help me.

The thing I find the most depressing about this thread is how ‘amazing’ this guy seems to be simply because he looks after his children and isn’t abusive. Therefore she should hang onto him at all costs.

the sex is shit and she doesn’t love him. It will end eventually anyway so why drag it out.

@CubisticMoth

Couples sex lives after children completely turns into nothing most of the time, get over it, and get over yourself.”

this isn’t true.

and holidays are not a “waste of time and money “ as you put it .

God there are some weird puritan types on this thread! Absolutely mental!

“Accept your fate woman once you have children you can forget holidays and sex and as long as he does not beat you and helps with the drudge work he is a good man you need to hang on to ”

Didnt realise time travel was possible.

What an extraordinarily vile post. I'm glad I don't know you :/

“Accept your fate woman once you have children you can forget holidays and sex and as long as he does not beat you and helps with the drudge work he is a good man you need to hang on to ”

you are spot on! Loads of this on this thread!

why?!

so needlessly martyr

I could have written most of your post, OP.

First of all, good on you to acknowledge your feelings and sharing them. You don't seem to realise how common they are. It is really quite normal to feel similar to how you feel, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Having said that, and recognising that everyone is different, a few questions I'd invite you to investigate for yourself:

• are you certain life was really that perfect before you had a partner and kids? You said you wanted a partner and kids, so obviously, you were missing these factors in your life when you did not have them. Are you certain that galivanting around with friends and having sunny holidays would have continued being meaningful to you for decades on end? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that lifestyle but you clearly had a new chapter in mind back when you had this lifestyle. I often feel trapped too, but then distinctively recall how bored I had got by my late twenties of the single lifestyle. Grass is always greener etc...

• What did you see in your partner when you fist met? There must have been something which attracted you to him. Can you go back and find some of that spark/appreciation? I do get it that you would like someone you feel a deeper connection with and have more in common with, but, as others have said, wait a few years and see how things will develop, this is the hardest time!

• Life never turns out exactly as we wish, not all the time and for all periods, at least. Every life has its advantages and disadvantages. It sounds a little to me as if you are still thinking there is such a thing as a perfect life, and there just isn't. For what it's worth, your life sounds pretty good to me! You have a lot of things many people wish they had - you own a home, you have a decent partner who pulls his weight, you have healthy kids and no conflict in your relationship.

• Think about things you can do to make yourself feel a bit of that longed for sense of freedom and adventure. Can you take up a new hobby, get a new job, advance in your career, see your friends more? travel more and in a more adventurous way as a family? Family life doesn't have to be boring and settled all the time (there is a certain element of routine you can't avoid of course), no one stops you from taking an adventurous holiday with the kids, or mixing things up a bit on the weekend, go camping or stay in bed later and skip some of the scheduled activities.

@CubisticMoth

“He works, he doesn't abuse you and it seems as though he is doing his best to support you where he can.“

that’s the absolute bare minimum. Why are your standards for men so low?

@CubisticMoth is clearly in a very very miserable relationship.

As a single mum, you’re still not going to have much freedom, or be able to get back to a carefree “high life”. He sounds a good man, and your hormones (post pregnancy) are liable to be all over the place.

If you get on well, I’d give it a while, and then work out what you actually want.

All marriages/relationships ebb and flow.🙂

A lot of it is projection. Women who stay in shit relationships can be subconsciously very resentful towards women who want more for themselves as it invalidates their choices. Women living in shit relationships often need to rationalise their self sacrifice as good and moral therefore women who don't sacrifice themselves are immoral and bad.

they also represent an alternative choice which scares the women in shit relationships because they don't want to face that they don't have to live like that because it might mean they have to face the fact that they sacrificed themselves needlessly 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't get why so many posters go on about this. I don't see many people saying this guy is amazing, just that by the sounds of it, he isn't half bad. I think this sentiment stems from the idea that if there is abuse or minimal part taking in family duties or other serious issues, then you don't have to think twice before divorcing.

If there isn't, then thinking twice may be wise.

By the sounds of it, this guys main downfall is his debt, and I do think there is an issue with him having lied about that. That is something I'd think about further if I were you, OP. Concealing serious debt is really not ethically or morally right and it would give me pause as to my partner's character if he had done that.

Your post really resonate with me as my partner also has debt issues, not an IVA but an enormous student debt as he studied in states and took big loans to pay for his studies, and now has been unemployed for nearly a year due a crisis in his industry. Some days I feel incredibly resentful of him for not contributing more financially, although I know he is applying for jobs left right and centre, upgrading his skills and trying to move into a different industry and meanwhile taking on 70 pct of the housework as he is home so much morel doing all cooking, cleaning and pick ups and drops offs, so I have a lot more freedom and down time than when we both work. Still, I'd prefer for him to make a decent living so he could pay off his debts and we could buy a home as we are still renting due to his unemployment as we were just about to buy when he got unemployed. Now, I wish I'd married a richer gue, to be quite honest or at least someone with a sable but low income! But alas, I didn't' and here I am. The one things that is different for me is that my partner was upfront about his debt, so I new was I was getting into. Did you partner really straight out conceal/lie about his debt? If so, that is the real reason i'd consider divorcing him, not the missing 'spark', sparks are just that, sparks,and they don't last, longtime love is not the same as initial infatuation.

A lot of it is projection. Women who stay in shit relationships can be subconsciously very resentful towards women who want more for themselves as it invalidates their choices. Women living in shit relationships often need to rationalise their self sacrifice as good and moral therefore women who don't sacrifice themselves are immoral and bad.

they also represent an alternative choice which scares the women in shit relationships because they don't want to face that they don't have to live like that because it might mean they have to face the fact that they sacrificed themselves needlessly

This is really interesting. I think you have a really good point here. I'm not making 'the' decision - the decision to leave which after a number of years is becoming more and more apparent. There is a lot of this going on for me subconsciously I think. However, there are genuinely pratical things to consider (not so much finance in my case) but nevertheless an issue as very little support in real life. I both envy and admire women who can make the decision. I find it extremely scary.