This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

@unmp, have you actually read the OP's posts.
I've been in a relationship like that and LTB was the solution.
It's not about the bloody emoji.

It isn't you. You won't be making a mistake to end your marriage. It would be a mistake to NOT end your marriage.

You're only a year in - his behaviour is insane. Before you k ow it you'll be isolated from everyone. Just get out.

I also agree with others assessment that he is projecting. He's being so obsessed with your perfectly innocent behaviour because he's probably capable of cheating himself. Him following/friending women would be because he's a perv/interested in them, therefore it must be the same for you (or he's already cheating/on the road to cheating and accusing you of the same means he doesn't have to examine his own behaviour).

He will destroy your mental health and self esteem if you stay. I wouldn't.

Jesus fucking Christ, either you haven’t read the full thread or you are just delusional. This isn’t about an emoji because emojis aren’t even being discussed nor emojis being left. It’s when you get a text message & you hold the message & either heart or thumbs up, it’s not sending anyone heart messages it’s like a FB react. But that’s beside the point, her husband is controlling, manipulating & abusing her & you wrongly think this is about something as small as a fucking emoji?? WTF?

@unmp If he simply said, that makes me uncomfortable would you mind using the thumb, that would be a bit different to the actual situation. He spent hours telling me he had caught me out leading the gardener on, I can't be trusted to interact with men. He added the gardener on FB.

The fact that he demanded to go through my phone in the first place (regular occurrence) because I had worn lipstick that day and he wanted to know where I had been is a red flag in it's self.

I could give you a hundred examples of his behaviour, I have been marched out of the gym and screamed at all the way home because I was looking at some guy (I wasn't) I have had to block colleagues on social media because he thinks I fancy them. I can no longer WFH because he insists on reading my teams messages and emails and will take my work lap top off me if I say no. I changed my clothes to mu summer wardrobe, this means I am having an affair, I am not allowed to wear lipstick.

I can continue ........

Jesus christ this guy is a textbook abuser!

And yet you stay.

OP well done for making the decision to leave him.
I have a feeling he will come back early and cause trouble, please stay safe ❤💕💗❤💕💗❤💕❤💕💗💗❤💕💗

Ok, I hadn't read the whole thread admittedly and was focusing on the emoji issue. It does sound like he is jealous and possessive which is really dangerous, so for your own safety in this case, yes you should leave

You sound resolute yourself in knowing that he is behaving irrationally, it is better to have one unhappy year in marriage than a lifetime of it!

It just gets tiring at times reading the same reply to LTB for minor issues (however yours is clearly not)! Be happy, life is too short

Thank you for coming back and responding, I appreciate that.

Leave your keys in the locks just now until you've changed them so he can't get in. Be aware he may have made copies of your keys.

You probably at one point in the relationship didn't think he'd ever behave as he does now. But low and behold, he does. So don't assume he won't turn violent.

He's very extreme. So I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Make sure to take your share of money from any joint accounts ASAP. Because another thing his sort do, is drain the accounts.

Also, tell everyone you know and trust what is happening. Before he gets in there and tries to twist it. Eg: tells them you're having a breakdown.

I think the heart thing is slightly odd (but deffo a generational thing -my 19 year old nanny hearts messages I would thumbs up), but is in no way leading someone on. It’s not a logical conclusion to a message saying eg, I can come on Tuesday at 10 if that works for you? Anyone would know that a heart means yes, come on Tuesday at 10 not I want to have sex with you please.

OP, with this type of man it wouldn't matter if you lived most of your life in a locked box to which only he had the key and wore head to toe sackcloth and a veil when you went out. He would still want you handcuffed in case you might masturbate whilst thinking of another man.

Your 'D'H is warped in his thinking. Because HE can't see another woman without imagining sex with her, he thinks you (and probably all other women, to be honest) are the same.

This is all excellent advice, I feel like this should be your job. Thank you for all of your contributions.

This is a very scary read. Please be careful, and RUN, don’t walk. This guy is seriously deranged.

It's not you. It's him. Leave him now. The more you stay, the more complicated it will be come.

I don't think he would hurt me, he would lose his job if he did and I really don't think he would be violent

Please don't assume he won't turn violent. A female relative of mine was in a similar relationship to you and she swore he wouldn't turn violent.
He was only violent once - when he killed her.

You need to reach out to people in real life as he sounds dangerous.

Agree on the thumbs up.

he’s abusing you, gas lighting and controlling.

are you able to get out?

OP, so happy to see you are moving to decision point. Well done!

As you have said, you've been here before though. So time to put a plan in action to make this different, this time. I'd suggest thinking through what persuaded you last time/ what your 'weak points' were, and rehearse them in your mind. How will this be different... be ready!

Done suggestions and maybe you can think up more if others will have suggestions based on their experience,

1. List sentences for yourself which resonate and persuade you that leaving is the right thing to do. (Eg the one you mention about not needing his agreement. The awful facts of his control etc).
2. Garner personal support. Start telling people, fully, who live you. Eg your brother. Don't sugar coat it, show them your posts on this thread if that is easier. If there is anything worse you haven't felt comfortable sharing, add that.). Tell them you may have weak moments and you need them to lean in and keep your compass straight at those moments.
3. Get professional support. Empower yourself with knowledge. Join the Freedom programme etc .... read every thread on here about coercive control. You have been with an abuser who has tried to programme you to lose sight of what is reasonable or healthy or right for you. Set about actively reprogramming yourself.
4. Give up the myth that your children can be fine in this environment. They cannot be fine if you are not happy and your full self. They are learning how to be human from you. You need to be your best self. Second, his abuse will leak through and they could well become active targets at some point.
5. Take pre-emptive action - as you are. A bit like helping yourself to stay on a healthier lifestyle routine, cut out the triggers that could pull you backwards. Block him, grey rock him, change the locks, communicate only through solicitors/ a trusted family member etc.... write to therapists saying you will not be returning because you d realised that your relationship is abusive, . Etc.

Good luck!!!! Just think of the years ahead- free, free to do and think what you want for the rest of time!

Your husband is insane. It's not you.

Funnily enough I've been toying with the idea of running a little course and attempting to turn it into a living but it sorta seems vulgar to charge to help women.

That being said where I am atm I recently overheard a group of ppl where they were talking saying they pay £70 an hour for therapy! And I'm thinking I could run the course at 20 quid a head, as one off events and prevent people ever needing it because they can then spot and avoid these assholes early on xD

Please please leave. There isn't a relationship here worth saving because he isn't capable of it.

The heart/thumbs thing is a nonsense.

Thumbs up might be a passive aggressive 'ok then!' for some, for a huge chunk of the population it is as it ever was, a simple 'yep/great/ok'...

The heart react is an 'yes, awesome, brilliant, i agree' not 'I fancy you, get yer kit off'. I use it multiple times a day in response to total strangers, at work when I do not need to write a reply but do need to agree that what they've said is spot on.

It is no more leading anyone on than a smile to acknowledge you've seen someone would be.

His issues with your use of reaction emotes is the very tip of the iceberg and I think you know that. Get out, don't waste a moment more of your life on this person.

He is extremely abusive and I really hope you leave him.

As for the heart emoji debate - I use it freely with friendly acquaintances, both male and female and as you said, I simply view it as an acknowledgement. I also find the thumbs up passive aggressive lol but I think that is definitely a generational thing. I probably wouldn't use the heart react with someone like a gardener who I didn't know very well but at the same time, if they used it I wouldn't think much of it.

The fact that part of your reasoning for using the heart react was so as not to prolong the conversation because you were scared of what your husband would say shows how bad the situation has become. He has you second guessing every interaction.

Don't stay with him because you're embarrassed of the relationship length and get out while you can. If it's this bad after only a year imagine what it will be like in 2, 5,10 year's time. He will suck your soul dry and isolate you from everyone. I know LTB is thrown around liberally on MN but you really really do need to LTB in this case.

My ex used to say this to me. Called it 'micro cheating', routinely checked my phone whilst I was sleeping. Yet I didn't know the code to his phone.

Didn't like if male friends would message me, once tracked down when I replied to a friend about his recent divorce straight away but took two hours to reply to his message as we were having an argument and I was at work.

Questioned any male who added on me on social media yet continually liked other girls pictures and gas lit me that it was my fault because it was done in retaliation.

I think he had BPD, as there were a lot of issues and we split up once I found that he was actually cheating on me with multiple people. When I would try to speak to him about it constructively he would say I was a narcissist, that I was doing this to hurt him and that I would say he was controlling but that wasn't the fact it wall my fault.

IT IS NOT YOU. It is not a life to live, especially with children. You can do this and you can be strong enough for them. I hope you are ok.

Therapy to try to achieve a stable happy relationship with someone who is unstable is never going to work. And it not you that s unstable. He’s very definitely him.

And as others have said please please don’t assume he will go easily. He won’t. 66 phone calls last night shows you that.

Please contact the police and speak to someone there. They can recommend someone to talk to.

He won’t want to lose the control he has over you. And he will get really angry.

In fact if you can pack up his stuff and take to his property and then change your locks and either ask your brother or another male relative to come to stay for a couple of days or better still actually go away yourself it maintained be a good idea.

I'm a huge advocate of trying to save relationships especially where children are involved. In this instance OP given the information you have provided I fail to see there is any more that you could do. Counselling obviously hasn't worked and you sound genuinely unhappy in the relationship. FWIW the only thing I too disagree with is using the heart or x to end a message unless it's to people I genuinely care about ie family or close friends. I wish you all the best going forward into your next phase of life.