This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

As a very old person I eschew all emojis. What is wrong with 'ok', 'fine', 'that's good' etc.? We have a perfectly good language. Doesn't change the fact that the OP's husband is intolerable and probably dangerous.

I forgot to say it’s definitely not you.

Less than a year of marriage (how long have you been together??) and you're in therapy.

That's not a good start really, have you ever had a honeymoon period?

Cut your losses and call it a day. It's not a healthy relationship in any way.

You beat me to it. A 👍is what I’d use in a professional type scenario.

EDIT - never knowingly seen it used in a passive aggressive way. To me it’s more ‘yep, ok.’

The heart emoji is not leading anyone on. Your husband is controlling and abusive and it will only get worse. You haven't done anything wrong and I bet if you made a list of all the things you have done to try to appease him it would be a long fucking list.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you find the strength to leave him and get your life back. Once again - you have done nothing wrong.

Get a locksmith over NOW.

Call a solicitor.

Tell everyone in real life what is actually happening.

Do not answer calls from unknown numbers.

Try to get someone (a family member, friend, neighbour) at home with you when he is due to arrive so you’re not alone to confront him.

Call Women’s Aid for advice and support.

We are all behind you.

Don’t be embarrassed. Nobody who loves you will want to stay with somebody who makes you unhappy.

I've heard this described as 'Street angel, house devil.' It's a common thing with abusers like this as they think it proves how unstable (crazy, mental, psycho - take your pick) their partner is when they try and get away.

Stay strong OP, you can do this. It will be like the weight of the world has lifted from your shoulders.

I see your husband’s behaviour as very immature, like that of a high school boy.
As old as I am now, I can remember my high school boyfriend being ridiculous-jealous over silly things like this.
It was a sign of his immaturity.
Unless you’re going steady, I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with a 15-yr-old.
I don’t think I’d like all those other people in the middle of my business, either — I hope they’re truly helping you and not a hindrance. ❤️

If it feels like a no [insert relationship, job, friendship] then it's time to work to change it...

I recently started this - think there are probably lots of other guidance out there - things like gaslighting / breadcumbing etc. were all new to me until the past 4-5 year. This course helped me find the language and understand dynamics a bit better.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It's not you. He is massively insecure.

No, it’s not you.
If you want to leave you don’t have to justify your choice. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 40 years or 1. Please be aware his controlling behaviour might escalate. Stay safe.

Please call women's aid and seek support for escaping this abusive relationship.

And yes, you are in a classically abusive and controlling relationship. This is not way to live.

It's not insecurity, it's coercive control.

Why on earth are you going to therapy with your abuser - because that’s what he is. He’s undermining you at every turn and making you second guess yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong. This is control and if the details of your relationship are coming out in therapy I’m really surprised that the therapist is still agreeing to see you together, or is it some kind of group therapy ? If so, you need to organise your own therapist because you need to understand that no, this is most definitely not you. This will not get better OP, you need to leave.

Hi OP,
Firstly you’re getting some really good advice here already but I just came on to reiterate how controlling people behave when you say you’re done.
When I made the decision to divorce my XH, he went through various stages as he realised I was serious, ranging from:

1. I was clearly shagging half the county (I was never unfaithful);
2. I had got too big for my boots since I started working in central London and mixing with people who thought too much of themselves (so basically it was down to me changing and nothing to do with him) - also garbage;
3. I was just trying to take the house and kids from him to be vindictive (err, no - borne out when he had the bloody house and a 50/50 split with the kids).

Control freaks will never take responsibility. He was told he had an anger management problem and he should seek therapy. 12/13 years later he never has and he has had a number of failed relationships while I’m now happily remarried.

It isn’t you. And he will never accept it’s even partially him. I agree with PPs who say get your own therapist so you can be crystal clear on that and work on your own self esteem so you can go forward being happy. Wishing you the very best.

It’s not ‘immature’ it’s deliberately controlling and coercive. This isn’t jealousy over ‘silly things’ it’s abuse.

Wow!
Ive just got in from work, and my, how things have moved on!
Good move @WeNeedBees, I honestly think you’ve made the right decision. Make sure your get lots of support. Don’t be embarrassed to tell everyone what a scumbag he truly is, tell the world…. You deserve better.

I used to put x on all my messages but there are rules in place now about how/when I can use them - The rules don't apply to him though.

I don't really go out, we do lots of things together but very few things separately. He even wants to come to a sound bath with me, he's not the slightest interested in that. There are rules about what I wear for the gym, he does think men will be hitting on me there.

Heart emojis are the least of your problems.
Therapy is not going to change this man. He’s controlling.
Do you still want to be “appeasing” him in another year, 5 years, 10 years?

Ducks in a row time then get him out or leave. Non-mol if you feel unsafe.

@WeNeedBees

Firstly - it is not you!

Secondly - it is always recommended that you should NEVER have joint counselling sessions whenever there is any kind of abuse in the relationship. He is the very epitome of controlling and abusive, and I would strongly suggest that you have individual counselling from now on. I haven't rtft so possibly other people have already said this, but it is really important.

The heart react just means you love (i.e. are happy with, agree with) what the message says, not that you love the person sending it.

He is terrifying. Do you watch Emmerdale - it seems so similar to that storyline (not implying you are lying- just to highlight how someone can appear outwardly nice and kind to everyone except their victim).

You are amazing for ending it - stay strong 💪🏼

Straight out of the abusers’ playbook OP. He presents this facade to everyone else so that should you decide to confide in any of these people, they would have a problem believing what you say. It also makes it harder for you to leave. How much contact do you have with family and friends OP ? Because I suspect that if it’s not already happening, the next steps will be to isolate you from them so you have no support system.

I mentioned it upthread, as did a couple of other posters I think. If the abuse is discussed in therapy I’m really surprised that the therapists haven’t refused to see them together. I got the impression from one of the OP’s posts that it was some kind of group therapy, but still………