Want to take my dc away on my own

[Ragrugflowerdots]

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

First trip away why not try Italy, lovely weather, lovely food, good wine and a short flight just in case it's a bit stressful.

I was thinking you could go to Greece / Turkey beach holiday and then if your dc are thrill seekers book a day a a water park? I’m thinking you need to relax and Orlando will be fun but very tiring on you? Then maybe build up to Orlando next year depending how you cope with this trip.
But do book something, you do not have a financial restriction but one imposed by your dp.

Trying to be brave.
DP is already not feeling great though, he told me he’s not in a very good frame of mind this weekend and has nothing to look forward to in his life.
This is very bad timing.

Oh for gods sake he’s pathetic.

What do you see in him? Seriously!

Just tell him when it’s booked then he will blow up and you can dump him.

How predictable was this OP? Come on surely you can see how obvious his manipulation is? He’s not even good at it - he’s playing you in plain sight and you’re allowing it .

It’s in your hands to put a stop to pandering to this idiotic pathetic idiotic man child and put your children before him. Honestly have you not taken on a single city every PP has said?

Wake up OP ffs before he destroys you

Deleted because I posted on the wrong thread and didn’t want to upset op!

He truly is ridiculous. For goodness sake get rid of this moping idiot.

Hang on, you were actually considering paying him to not be angry with you Thank god mumsnet has made you realise YANBU!

I wouldn’t shackle myself to this kind of man. Ever. Even when your kids are adults.

I’ve been broke and miserable at times, but I’ve still been happy to hear when a friend, let alone a partner, has bought their own house or got a pay raise or a promotion or something. The fact he resents the good things you have is a very bad sign. Not only that but he puts all his mental health issues on you. It’s one thing being supportive as a partner but he has got you thinking you’re responsible for how he feels and your good fortune is something that brings him down.

What kind of a relationship is that?

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. Please stand up for the sake of your children and focus on them more as well as your own personal growth.

He's a joy sucking vampire. Can't you just end it as being incompatible with each other, then you don't have to tell him about your holiday and witness his tantrum?

OP, do you think a good person :

• isn't happy for their partner when something good happens for them
• makes their partner feel guilty and anxious over being able to afford nice things for themselves and their DC

I'm just really curious at what your answer is. If one of your DC came home and said they had a partner like this, what would you think?

If he wants to take his children on an expensive holiday, he needs to earn more money. Simple. And the fact that he will "kick off," OP, is a huge red flag.

This awful man has broken up with you twice for buying a house and a car, what will it take for you to break up with HIM? imagine the relief if you ended it and none of his self inflicted misery was any of your concern?

This sounds like you're afraid of him. If that's true, you need to get rid. Today.

I am sort of seeing things differently.

My default is to feel responsible for his dissatisfaction and to try and fix it. He once told me when he’s feeling angry and upset he feels nothing for anyone apart from a desire to make them feel as bad as he does.

I haven’t even told him about going away yet but he’s in a bad mood. I think I know which was this will go but maybe that is for the best.
It objectively does seem crazy that I’m so worried about his reaction to spending my time and money with my dc.

Honestly, with every update it becomes more clear that you’re in for an extremely miserable life unless you get rid of him.

Haven’t rtft but I’ve read your responses OP- there are so many red flags- why should your children miss out because of your boyfriend? If he feels he got a poor deal in life he can work harder and get a better job, not your problem, it appears abusive as if he wants to lessen you I don’t know how to even describe this but makes me feel uneasy - maybe lower your self esteem that’s why your so anxious? Please, please rethink this relationship x

Prioritise your children!!!!!

Just book a holiday abroad with your kids, please. This man seems to bring no joy to your life.

He once told me when he’s feeling angry and upset he feels nothing for anyone apart from a desire to make them feel as bad as he does.

Is that really the way to treat someone you are supposed to love? I wouldn’t do that to a stranger in the street. Nor would any decent person.

Come on op. Wake up and smell the coffee.

You do come across as very anxious. I wonder how much of that is down to him….I bet if you didn’t have to tread on eggshells around him you would feel a lot less anxious.

OP you need to realise that women are not rehabilitation centres for broken men. We are not here to take responsibility for their issues and try to fix them.

Stop treading on eggshells and put you and your kids first

He is choosing misery. He is taking perfectly ordinary situations and painting them in misery. It’s a bad habit. I bet he would find a gratitude exercise incomprehensible ! Only he can change his perspective. You sound like you are pushing him up a mountain to see the beautiful view but he is rolling down at every opportunity to lie in a cold puddle.
He sounds like a millstone. Being on your own is way better than being with someone who’s such hard work.

You shouldn't feel like you can't tell your partner youre going away! He should be pleased and happy for you!
Best of luck when you tell him - if he reacts how you expect he will then you're better off ok your own ! X

He sounds horrible @Ragrugflowerdots !

Thank God you haven’t attempted to blend anything.

Book a fab trip and dump him.

I am also in a relationship where I earn a lot more than DP and we haven’t attempted to blend anything and he would never in a million years react like this - he’d be delighted for me and the kids if we were planning a lovely adventure.

My ex was a total misery guts so I do have experience with this kind of toxic, anxiety inducing, joy sucking specimen. Get rid.