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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to take my dc away on my own

317 replies

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 14:43

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
HarrytheHobbit · 04/08/2024 07:18

Bloody hell it gets worse with each update. OP please book a holiday with your DC and have a fab time. He has told you that he wants you to be miserable like him. Do you really want that? If a friend was telling you all this about their partner what would you think? Come on, wake up!

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 04/08/2024 07:22

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/08/2024 14:49

mumsnet Is like the twilight zone when it comes to seeing what women will accept must be in a relationship

You took the words..
This morning I am gobsmacked by posts reflecting the passitivity of women, and the shit they are putting up with or creating for themselves all for a man.
Seemingly intelligent, sucessful people who seem incapable of making a decision for fear of upsetting or losing some mindless, selfish idiot.
Pankhurst and Greer must wonder why the fuck they bothered!

Sparklywata · 04/08/2024 07:25

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 04/08/2024 07:22

You took the words..
This morning I am gobsmacked by posts reflecting the passitivity of women, and the shit they are putting up with or creating for themselves all for a man.
Seemingly intelligent, sucessful people who seem incapable of making a decision for fear of upsetting or losing some mindless, selfish idiot.
Pankhurst and Greer must wonder why the fuck they bothered!

Edited
Show quote history

It’s very sad. I don’t know if it’s always been this bad or we’ve came full circle.

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 04/08/2024 07:31

Sparklywata · 04/08/2024 07:25

It’s very sad. I don’t know if it’s always been this bad or we’ve came full circle.

Show quote history

I think we had a golden 5 minutes in the 90s...!

BuggeryBumFlaps · 04/08/2024 07:40

You're right in the middle of all this and can't see the wood for the trees.

Imagine for a minute your best friend, family member, someone you love said to you I'm thinking about taking my DC on holiday. What would your reaction be? Would it be happy, pleased, excited for them, it's a wonderful opportunity for her to spend some quality time with her children, of course it would be, His jealousy, and anger at you being able to do this for your DC isn't normal he's jealous which in my opinion is the worst of the toxic traits

Sunnydiary · 04/08/2024 08:59

There is something deeply amiss about this man. He sounds quite damaged and potentially dangerous. That’s why you are so worried and a bit scared.

Book your holiday today. Then tell him. Then when he blows up, it’s over and you block him on everything.

Does he have anything at your house? Does he have keys?

pictoosh · 04/08/2024 09:55

Ooooh gosh I genuinely feel for you because I know it is so hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the thick of it.

This type of negative persona does not change. They remain in the miserable prison of their own making forever. There is nothing you can do. You will only become more anxious and beaten down by being in a relationship with this guy.

You are saying that you're going to pick a lesser trip to keep him quiet. So you are planning a future with him.
I am sorry you are so inclined. He is hard fucking work and you needn't saddle yourself with the grief.

As someone earlier pointed out, you are putting him above your children by allowing him to control how and where you spend money on or time with them.

Good luck waking up to this man. I hope you do. xx

Catoo · 04/08/2024 10:08

Struggling to believe this one.

Well done for not ‘blending’. Your instincts there have been brilliant.

Now get rid of this bitter loser. Book the holiday of a lifetime for you and DC. And here’s hoping he throws his toys out of the pram and you never have to see him or hear from him again.

💐

Floralnomad · 04/08/2024 10:11

You are only dating this man , you owe him nothing just book somewhere and go and then text him mid holiday and say ‘having a lovely time with the kids in x see you when we get back ‘ .

Daleksatemyshed · 04/08/2024 10:15

@6pence has it Op. He's not sad or depressed, he has a nasty vengeful side. He breaks up with you because he feels bad and wants you to feel bad too, how mean spirited and childish. Do yourself a favour Op, tell him about the holiday and get this over with.

TheNuthatch · 04/08/2024 10:30

You have over 200 replies now on this thread, all saying the same thing op!
You sound great btw but this man sounds awful. There are huge red flags with every update! He doesn't even need to know about your holiday! Just get rid and then enjoy yourself. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader! You've done so well to get where you are, don't waste another minute on him.

Peridot1 · 04/08/2024 10:43

I know you have said you love him but please really really think about this. What is it that you love? Do you really love HIM or possibly the version of himself he was at the beginning of the relationship? Or do you love the idea of love? Being with someone.

Daftapath · 04/08/2024 12:24

I think your anxiety will improve immensely if you end this relationship.

Just think. No more walking on eggshells. No more worrying about what you choose to spend your own money on. No more worrying about how to manage his reactions to normal everyday perfectly reasonable decisions that you make about your life. I could go on ...

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/08/2024 13:37

Some people like being miserable they suck the joy out of everything.
This man sounds like he likes drama , and a woman whose willing to bend over backwards to “ fix things” .
Its no wonder his Ex is an Ex!

Stop feeing his ego .

Your priority is to making yourself happy and your kids.

This man will never be happy. Nothing will ever be good enough for him and he is dragging you down.

I hope you can take off those rose tinted glasses and see how distorted his view of the world is

Original poster
Ragrugflowerdots · 04/08/2024 16:15

Ok! Am gathering courage and repeating ‘my money, my dc, my choice,’ on an internal loop.

I am scared a bit I think, not physically but of the anger. And of making him unhappy.
The feeling responsible is not helping me.

OP posts:
2sisters · 04/08/2024 16:26

Ragrugflowerdots · 04/08/2024 16:15

Ok! Am gathering courage and repeating ‘my money, my dc, my choice,’ on an internal loop.

I am scared a bit I think, not physically but of the anger. And of making him unhappy.
The feeling responsible is not helping me.

You are not responsible for his happiness.

TeaMistress · 04/08/2024 16:38

Ragrugflowerdots · 04/08/2024 16:15

Ok! Am gathering courage and repeating ‘my money, my dc, my choice,’ on an internal loop.

I am scared a bit I think, not physically but of the anger. And of making him unhappy.
The feeling responsible is not helping me.

You aren't responsible for his happiness. If you are having to worry about treading on eggshells and tiptoeing around his bouts of anger and bad temper then he is not someone you want to be tied to. You are absolutely right, it's your money, your children and your choice. Bin him off and take your children on a wonderful holiday somewhere lovely. You will feel a lot better once you aren't having to worry about his moods anymore

Conniebygaslight · 04/08/2024 17:37

OP I think you need to look at the quality of the relationship when he’s not being awful. You say it’s great…..I’m willing to bet that it’s not.
Often women in abusive relationships are just so grateful when their partner isn’t being angry/aggressive/violent/mean etc they think ‘things are great’
Please leave this relationship, nobody has the right to make another person scared….absolutely nobody.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/08/2024 17:56

@Ragrugflowerdots if you have a sixteen year old then you're old enough to do this. Never mind the anger, why the devil do you think it's OK for him to make you scared? Why do you want to go on seeing a man who makes you worried to say anything he might not like? Be brave Op, you can not go on like this

kayla12345 · 04/08/2024 18:42

I hope it goes okay!! If he gets angry then you need to remember it is not you, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong and he's using the 'anger' to try and control and manipulate you. Let us know how you get on

pictoosh · 04/08/2024 18:47

If his happiness depends on you diminishing your experiences with your own kids, why do you want him?

CocoPlum · 04/08/2024 18:53

Orlando would be really pricey fairly last minute!

We have been on some nice AI breaks in Menorca, if that's your thing. Not sure how old your DC are but there are kids' clubs if needed, we have been to ones with included entry to waterparks. V short flight, everything taken care of for you.

Good luck telling your DP. As mentioned previously I am in a similar relationship but mine has not split up with me for buying a new car or making plans to buy my house ...

Onelifeonly · 04/08/2024 19:03

You are not responsible for his happiness! And even if you were, he isn't happy, is he? So you haven't helped, except it seems, by denying yourself things you can afford to make him feel less bad. (And it is less bad, not happy.)

Why don't you just message him when you've booked the holiday, clearly stating your reasons. Then don't engage with his moaning, just say it is what you have decided you want to do for YOUR children.

Goldcushions2 · 04/08/2024 19:48

You have brought an abusive man into your life.

An abusive man.

Why would you choose a man that is mean, negative, an ugly character that wishes everyone ill.
He has you nervous and walking on eggshells.

Unbelievable.

Sparklywata · 04/08/2024 22:09

Ragrugflowerdots · 04/08/2024 16:15

Ok! Am gathering courage and repeating ‘my money, my dc, my choice,’ on an internal loop.

I am scared a bit I think, not physically but of the anger. And of making him unhappy.
The feeling responsible is not helping me.

I’d say focus on choosing and booking the holiday first, then tell him after. You don’t want his negativity to overshadow or dictate your holiday choices to try and put it out your mind while you book.