Want to take my dc away on my own

[Ragrugflowerdots]

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

If you are feeling fear, obligation and guilt over perfectly ordinary things then you are in an abusive relationship.

Absolutely this.

@Ragrugflowerdots have you told him yet?

Are you serious?

He is disgusting. I am sorry he’s made it so you’re scared of him and his anger. I can’t believe he’s made it so you’d rather not take your children on a holiday in order to keep this pathetic little man happy.

I hope you’re free of him soon and have a lovely holiday. I also hope that way realises that his misery is entirely his own making and that he’s a substandard prick.

As others have said OP this man is no good for you. He is a nasty resentful pig. If you stay with him after your children leave home the pressure will be on for him to move in, then marriage - you and your children's security will be gone. Don't do it!

In a nutshell.

@Ragrugflowerdots

He once told me when he’s feeling angry and upset he feels nothing for anyone apart from a desire to make them feel as bad as he does.

Honestly he sounds worse with every post you write. Why on earth are you treading on egg shells constantly? Please tell us you are still going to go on holiday?

He sounds quite unhinged and possibly dangerous..

I would be very worried about any man that behaves like that,
so you have money , and he doesn’t,
with that kind of behaviour I would never share a home with him
be mindful in the future,
big red flag 🚩
go holiday with your kids , his disapproval of your actions is controlling to say the least.

Threads like this are so sad and actually scare me.

That it takes so little time for some women to put some nasty ugly abusive controlling man ahead of their own children, whom they have had for years ahead of them.

It really blows my mind.

I cannot understand how some women can decide that although they have children, this random person will be who they will put first.

Not the children they carried and chose to have.

But this random stranger.
That they will now put before all others.
Will walk on eggshells around, and not bring their own children on holidays because it might upset him....
And with all the above actually think this is a good relationship and one that their children who don't particularly like him, should have on the periphery of their lives.

No wonder so many children become adults that have low contact with their parents, looking back at choices like this.

I feel so sorry for children who grow up with this slow realisation of how unimportant they are when it comes down to it.

Please wake up OP.
Your children deserve so much better from you than your misguided obligation to this abusive msn.

You should be feeling angry, how dare he think he gets to control and manipulate what you do. FEEL ANGRY OP!

That's a good description of what so many women put up with and expect their children to do the same
All for the sake of a bit of sex and being able to say you've got a boyfriend

Absolutely 💯 agree.

Im shocked how many women prioritise dick over kids - it’s such a common theme on these forums.

Despite 100’s of posts all saying same thing the OP is still bending over backwards not to upset this pathetic spiteful nasty little man to the potential detriment of her children’s time.

I think that's a very crude way to describe it @SamW98 and not necessarily helpful to the OP, who is only just becoming aware of the controlling relationship she's in.

OP get the holiday booked, book Florida and have a fabulous time with your 2 children. All 3 of you deserve it.
Maybe tell your boyfriend something like it's 'not working for you' /variation on that.

It's actually none of his business what you do with your family. How dare he think that he can control your life.

Enjoy your hols, OP.

God, I'd have a hard time staying in a relationship like this. Get the holiday booked and make it the best one you can possibly afford. Fuck him and his irrational jealousy.

Oh Jesus. No sorry, get rid of this absolute wet wipe.

And I'm not heartless (I lived with someone with clinical depression for 10 years - I know how bad genuine mental illness can be) but this bloke is one of those "woe is me" characters. Chances are he knows something is going on so he's just lining up his excuses "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME WHEN I'M SOOOOOO LOW?!"

Bin him off OP. He cannot be enhancing your life in any way whatsoever.

1 Book the holiday
2 Let this boyfriend of yours blow his top and dump you
3 Freedom

My main question is why the hell you took him back after he dumped you the last two times? You can't let him control what you do.

Op, do you think this is a good relationship? Is it good for you? Is it good for your children? What positives do you all get from it vs the bad feelings/experiences you have from it?

You say that you think he will end the relationship once he knows you have booked a family holiday abroad. You haven't said (I don't think) but have you considered that you could take control of your life here and end the relationship yourself? You do not need to wait for him to decide on your future for you.

As an aside, does he have keys to your home? If he does, I would consider changing the locks as I suspect he won't let you go easily. He likes having someone to control and to blame for feeling bad.

Firstly if it's causing you this much stress, why tell him at all if you will be away at the same time? Irregardless I think you should gird your loins and tell him. I think you should use this forum to put together a set of responses to rebut any miserable response you anticipate getting.

You should not sacrifice your 10 days because he'd like to get away. He's away for a week with his own child and away with the lads for another holiday. Whatever about the obligation of the first, the second is his choice and you should not apologise for taking annual leave yourself ESPECIALLY as you have been unwell.

For what is worth, I spoke to someone today who's off to the Maldives this weekend. It was cheaper than Greece, cooler with a steady 27degree type heat and is all inclusive with tons of kids activities [rather than a honeymooners resort] and flight times aside, sounds like it will be amazing.

I think a bigger priority needs to be some therapy as you appear to have gone from one abusive relationship to another and can't see it at all. Your children are going to have such a distorted view of how it is to treat a woman watching you be so passive and cowed. You need to sort this even if your response to him "kicking off' is "this relationship hasn't been working for some time. I can't be accountable for your happiness and I don't like the way you treat me. I think we should end it if you can't cope with me taking my children on holiday as you do yours." And have someone there for back up if necessary.

How did it go @Ragrugflowerdots?

I could cry for you OP. No way should you be scared of booking a holiday abroad with your DC for fear of what mood your boyfriend is going to be in.
Please rethink this relationship. It's not healthy.

So I told him but I didn’t say where or for how long - he was like ‘oh in the UK?’ and I said maybe abroad.
He seemed to handle it ok but I’ve had a barrage of messages talking about the privilege of other people having holidays abroad is ‘breathtaking’ and how he’s ’not in a good mood’ and that other people he knows were asking him if he’d been away this summer and he had to say no and no one recognises that his life is so hard / he never gets the opportunities and recognition he truly deserves.

There’s something very entitled about his behaviour.

I’ve not really responded but they have made me more anxious. I will take my DC but I am for sure finding this quite stressful.
I am anticipating he’ll end things / block me again but this time I’ll just leave it.

Take his power away OP and YOU end things/block him honestly you will feel
better without him in your life then take time to rebuild your self esteem x