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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to take my dc away on my own

317 replies

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 14:43

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/08/2024 18:52

So he behaves like a child, 'whaaa whaaa it's not faaaaaaiiirrrrr' and you feel duty bound to 'make' things fair? Do you do this with your own children? Are you very concerned with things being fair or did your childhood mean that things often weren't fair for you and you're trying to even things up now?

Because having enough money to do stuff is entirely up to him. If he wants more money he can go and get a better job and earn it, not use it as a stick to beat you down until you feel guilty for your success. He sounds very mean spirited, if I'm honest, OP, as though he will only be happy when YOU are miserable and struggling.

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/08/2024 18:53

So many women mistreating their children so they can keep a
man
every other thread it seems
poor kids - but as long as mums boyfriend is happy it doesn't matter what sacrifice the kids have to make

FannyGotobed · 02/08/2024 19:24

I think this is very apt for your situation. His problems are not yours to solve. He will drain you dry, emotionally and financially if you carry on pandering to him. Someone like this will never, ever, be happy. Never. He will always find something to be negative about. HIS problem, NOT YOURS!
Go on holiday, have fun with your DC, dump the pathetic manchild.

Want to take my dc away on my own
gincakecomps · 02/08/2024 22:11

I rarely post on here but keep coming back to see if she has booked a lovely holiday with her kids and ditched this loser

Mmhmmn · 03/08/2024 01:39

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 22:32

He has met them - but they only really tolerate each other. He’s not used to more than one dc. Imo my dc are easier than his - but they are also mine so appreciate I am biased. Due to his son being autistic he much more rigid in terms of routine and gets peopled out quickly.
Bit like his dad tbh.

I’ll tell him this weekend that I’m planning on going the last week of August. I’ll see how it goes. I guess if he kicks off I have my answer. It feels unreasonable for me to take the dc when I do know he’d like to go abroad. I could perhaps go with him later in the year but I’d not go for ten nights. Maybe a short city break.
I know the issue will be the ‘unfairness’ of it. He’s broken up with me twice previously because of the unequal situation. Once when I bought my house and once when I had a new (not brand new, new to me) car.

I mean, it’s not like day to day we do anything differently to him tbh. I’m certainly not rich but I am comfortable and I am grateful for that.

Show quote history

Oh god OP, he just sounds like a knob who punishes you for just living your life and not being dirt poor. Please don’t let him ruin your time on earth having already got yourself free of another dickhead. His issues are not your fault.

Fraaahnces · 03/08/2024 01:49

Why is it a competition with him? That’s so bloody weird. Of COURSE you should go with your kids. Do it!

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 03/08/2024 09:21

He’s conditioning you with his strops and sulks and bad moods. That’s why you feel anxious as fuck.

He is one of life’s victims and it’s never his fault, it’s his circumstances growing up, it’s his job, it’s his ex wife, it’s you, it’s your privilege, it’s never him…

Honestly, bin him off. Don’t deny your children experiences for fear of upsetting him. His behaviour is outrageous.

herecomesthesunyes · 03/08/2024 11:39

Your 16 year old will soon be off and away. You’ll look back and regret that you wasted this precious time with them tiptoeing around some jerk that they don’t even like. Wake up!

Cassidyscircus · 03/08/2024 12:09

You’d be making your life smaller, to suit a man.

is that what you want?

SamW98 · 03/08/2024 12:13

You’re prioritising the tantrums of a grown man over making memories with your kids. Is being with a man that important to you that he comes before your children?

Seriously you’re selling yourself and your children short by entertaining this respectful prick. Wake up before it’s too late

6pence · 03/08/2024 13:21

He’s conditioning you with his strops and sulks and bad moods. That’s why you feel anxious as fuck.

Absolutely the case.

What have you done op?

Original poster
Ragrugflowerdots · 03/08/2024 17:07

6pence · 03/08/2024 13:21

He’s conditioning you with his strops and sulks and bad moods. That’s why you feel anxious as fuck.

Absolutely the case.

What have you done op?

He does make me anxious. When it’s good it’s great, but I do feel anxious a lot of the time.
I also find the negativity quite hard going at times.

Ive not booked yet… I can’t decide where to go! Dc1 suggested Orlando. I actually costed it up and it was no more expensive 🤣
Go big or go home? Might be pushing it as a first trip.
I’ll have to tell DP this week if I’m going to book something I suppose…
I feel very stressed about this.
I do love him but I am aware that even after this time we are ‘dating’ but that suits me. I don’t want anything more than that until my children are adults. He would like more than that I think - even though it would never work if we tried to blend our kids, absolutely no question. It would be a disaster.

OP posts:
Sunnydiary · 03/08/2024 17:10

Yeah fuck it, book Orlando!!!

Sunnydiary · 03/08/2024 17:11

Oh, and do not discuss it with him until after you have booked it.

SecretWitch · 03/08/2024 17:13

Ragrugflowerdots · 03/08/2024 17:07

He does make me anxious. When it’s good it’s great, but I do feel anxious a lot of the time.
I also find the negativity quite hard going at times.

Ive not booked yet… I can’t decide where to go! Dc1 suggested Orlando. I actually costed it up and it was no more expensive 🤣
Go big or go home? Might be pushing it as a first trip.
I’ll have to tell DP this week if I’m going to book something I suppose…
I feel very stressed about this.
I do love him but I am aware that even after this time we are ‘dating’ but that suits me. I don’t want anything more than that until my children are adults. He would like more than that I think - even though it would never work if we tried to blend our kids, absolutely no question. It would be a disaster.

Show quote history

Yay! Go somewhere fab. Just think twice about Orlando this month. August is prime hurricane season. There’s even a maybe hurricane rolling into town later on this weekend.

source: lived in Florida for three years through a few hurricanes and a fair few tropical storms

Original poster
Ragrugflowerdots · 03/08/2024 17:15

SecretWitch · 03/08/2024 17:13

Yay! Go somewhere fab. Just think twice about Orlando this month. August is prime hurricane season. There’s even a maybe hurricane rolling into town later on this weekend.

source: lived in Florida for three years through a few hurricanes and a fair few tropical storms

Show quote history

Good point.
This would probably encourage dc1 if anything 🤣 he likes the excitement.
Maybe not so much for me though.

OP posts:
Sunshineafterthehail · 03/08/2024 17:18

My ex begrudged every penny I spent on my dc. He saw his dc as /when their dm's decided he could. Even when my dm paid for us a holiday him and his ex fucking twisted.. He ruined the trip. She rang every few hours ranting he shouldn't be away. Even though she refused their dd coming. Best time was when I threw him out and realised I could treat my dc however the hell I wanted now. Remarried and honestly not being with a petulant man child is fantastic.

SecretWitch · 03/08/2024 17:18

Ragrugflowerdots · 03/08/2024 17:15

Good point.
This would probably encourage dc1 if anything 🤣 he likes the excitement.
Maybe not so much for me though.

Show quote history

😂😂. It’s all fun and games until you are in a hotel with no power and no a/c ( although I think most of the nicer hotels have generators to keep everything on now) I surely don’t want to rain on your Florida plans.. but it’s hot and humid as hell in Florida during August

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2024 17:33

He sounds like a bitter, jealous person. Life owes him, hey? If this is the end of the relationship, I think that would actually be good for you. Being with him makes you anxious, he appears to massively increase your stress levels. I absolutely see the point of it.

Totally do Orlando-would you stay at the resort or outside which would mean lots of Ubers or hiring a car?

LaughingElderberry · 03/08/2024 17:50

Even when your relationship is good, I bet it's reliant on you toeing the line and staying in your lane. Not talking about anything you've purchased - like a new car. Or discussing a good result at work - or a promotion that might be in store. Not mentioning that you fancy an overseas holiday with your kids...

So it's good when he's happy - but he's only happy as long as you have the same or less than him. I bet that even if he inherited money in the future, he'd still find a reason to be shirty with you.

He is an insecure and jealous man. Don't you think you deserve better? And your kids as well? Just because you haven't blended families, doesn't mean that this is not impacting them - you are literally worrying about telling him that you are taking your children on holiday. And you know he will kick off and be an arsehole when you tell him - which is already clouding the happiness and excitement you'd be feeling otherwise.

Fathomless · 03/08/2024 17:59

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2024 17:33

He sounds like a bitter, jealous person. Life owes him, hey? If this is the end of the relationship, I think that would actually be good for you. Being with him makes you anxious, he appears to massively increase your stress levels. I absolutely see the point of it.

Totally do Orlando-would you stay at the resort or outside which would mean lots of Ubers or hiring a car?

and op's always having to tiptoe round him. He sounds so unattractive.

Onelifeonly · 03/08/2024 18:11

You don't live together and keep your children and finances separate - any relationship you have should be something positive that uplifts you, not makes you anxious. People who may feel stuck in a marriage due to circumstances or finances might feel they have no options to do otherwise, but why should you given your freedom?

I hope you do book the holiday. If your partner doesn't like it and it's the end of your relationship, maybe that would be for the best.

I'm long married but if I ever did get divorced and found someone else, they'd have to be amazing.

Onelifeonly · 03/08/2024 18:15

Also your son may be 16 but you also have a 9 yo and these days young adults often stay home well on into their 20s. It could be a very long time before you can live together, if that's what you see as the ultimate outcome.

SquatWeightaMinute · 03/08/2024 18:18

Take your children and have a lovely holiday abroad. Absolutely do not give him money, why on earth would you do that. He is an independent adult .

paisley256 · 03/08/2024 18:19

I've only read your opening post op.

You said your 16 year old isn't going to want to come with you for much longer. So this could be the last opportunity to holiday/go abroad together. If I was you and be getting on that plane to Spain and enjoying that time with your dc. And if I could afford it I'd push the boat out and have the trip of a lifetime.

Make the most of your kids op. Your older dc could be off in a few years.