My man wants my hand and my house

[LennoxBaird]

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

as someone who was in your position ten years ago and got married...and then very recently only just escaped with her house intact (but not all her money) when I divorced the abusive bastard, the answer has to be NO.

Sex is irrelevant. If you felt loved and happy and wanted the relationship to be forever and knew he didn't care about the money then you'd happily marry him and share everything. No one wants to get married for what they own.

OP assuming you love him and want to stay together as a couple, I think you should be asking yourself if the level of effort he has put into your relationship - financially and emotionally has been fair. And if it is, consider marriage as a way to help him secure his future - because you love him and he isn’t taking you for a ride.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a stable career and supporting a partner through instability is a normal part of a strong relationship. So if he’s been unlucky with work, or has a disability, or moved to follow you for your career and hasn’t been able to get back on track, or something similar, then there may be a good case for providing him with the stability he wants. But if he is careless about his jobs. If he doesn’t bother putting the effort in, if he spends on himself whatever money he has that he would otherwise have spent on rent etc. instead of saving it, if he’s buying himself fancy clothes or tech with money that could have been shoring up his pension, etc. If, basically, he’s been a spendthrift while you’ve been careful and now he wants to benefit from your careful (even, maybe, while his mountain of tech/clothes/hobby equipment sit in your spare room) then that’s very different.

And if, through the rest of your relationship he’s been considerate of you and the things you want, if he’s been supportive and helped you achieve what you want out of life where he can then, again, maybe supporting him in this way is reasonable. But if everything always has to be done his way, if there’s never any give and you always have to dance to his tune (and it sounds a bit that way with you having previously wanted to buy a house together and to have children) then he hasn’t really shown the sort of mettle you want in someone you’re going to be legally tied to.

Are they the same posters that are posting on this thread?

Because that's the only way the hypocrisy claim would be valid.

Different posters on different threads expressing different opinions is not hypocrisy.

Any advice?

Yes. Don't.

Don't marry him and don't put him on the mortgage for your house.

Tell the CF he's 11 years too late. He can get his own safety net.

I think if your gut reaction to a proposal is to feel scared, it’s not a good idea to progress.

What does he bring to the partnership?

This is a totally different situation - the OP isn’t posting about her DP not wanting to marry her so she can have half his assets. In that thread theDP wanted to start charging the OP rent that she didn’t think she could afford on top of bills after years of a very different situation.

But even so, there are plenty of people on that thread asking the OP what she’s been doing with her money having had an incredibly cheap living situation for 9 years.

He wants to use YOUR house as HIS safety net? The bare-faced cheek of the man.

Please don't be embarrassed to talk about it with people. I'm quite sure they would say the same. Don't marry him unless you want to give up half of everything you have worked for.

This isn't as though you were a man and he was a woman who had spent years as a sahp looking after your children. He's had every opportunity over the years to join forces, and didn't. He's had years to put away savings and he didn't.

Don't do it.

I think the time to get married has been and gone, and he could have used the time since to have built up his savings / invest / shore up his own future. What's he been spending his money on?!

when he said "so that my future is secure too, nor only yours. You have a safety net I don't ".

and there is a reason for that. You have worked for your safety net, he has not. that is completely self center Ed with an expectation you are there to provide for him (as he chips in for bills).

And don’t feel guilty- how many men have abandoned their wives, partners & children with zero support. He has not been a SAHP, lost earnings to child care etc.

be warned labour are looking at updating the rules herein cohabiting couples, especially if children are involved.

www.farrer.co.uk/news-and-insights/cohabiting-couples-is-reform-on-the-horizon/

OP, if I wanted to live off a kind person and have them provide for all my needs, while I kept most of my wages for myself, I would certainly make them feel loved!

Come on, OP. You wanted children, he didn’t, so you have no children. You wanted to marry, he didn’t want to so you didn’t marry. You wanted to buy a place together, he didn’t want to, so you didn’t buy together. You see a theme emerging here?

He chips in for bills — big deal, a lodger would contribute more!

Are you sure he’s your best friend and a good person? Please ask yourself what a manipulative and very successful cocklodger would look like…

So what is your take on that situation? Should the partner put her on the deeds and keep paying for her?

Does he just want to be put on the mortgage for free?
Is he willing to buy into the house so that you are equal in ownership?
If he isn't buying in he's seeing ££ signs and securing his own future not yours.

He even said it himself that this is what he is doing. Securing his future.

He wants a sugar mummy, dont lumber yourself OP!

I don't think my response to this would be different if you were a man. If you had kids you need to ensure your children's future and that means your husband/wife getting the house should you die, it means life insurance and both paying into a pension. I would give this advice for either sex. But you don't have kids. All this marriage brings is him getting a stake in what you built up on your own. The fact he refused it years ago and now openly says this is for his financial security makes it a firm no from me.

Yes, but they don't usually take over the existing property of one of them. This could happen ultimately, especially if one has little or no earnings, on the basis of shared plans, and perhaps child care. But demanding a dowry before marrying isn't a good look.

So he's proved himself contemptuous of your needs when it mattered, and now wants your property. A man who let a woman do that to him, especially when not planning children, would be a fool.

You're not an arsehole for wanting to protect and safeguard what you have earned by yourself, no!!
He is an arsehole for wanting to steal/share your money without contributing, and manipulating you into the bargain!

Don't marry him.

He's stolen your best child bearing years, your future as a mother, now he wants to steal half of your house.

You're right to trust your instincts on this one. Kick him out.

I've only glanced at the op of that thread so may have missed relevent info but they share no children so no, I don't think she should be put on the deeds unless she has made or will make a significant financial contribution that should be recognised.

Why do you ask?

That is literally what marriage is though, joining finances and owning property together, merging financial futures.

If you've been wanting this for years, why are you scared now?

Yes, generally it is not a good idea to get married, unless you plan to be the financially weaker party in the relationship (which sounds like you wouldn't be), so you are right to worry. Also, if you don't like the idea of marrying him, definitely, 100% do not marry him - why would you do something that doesn't fill you with confidence about it being the right decision?

I'm just a little confused as to what the 'merging of financial futures' would look like to you if not what has been proposed.

It's 2024. No, absolutely not.

There's this notion in the UK that's drilled into people from a young age that women should want to get married and it's ok for men to get cold feet. This is your future and you need to be rational and consider your personal circumstances, not what might be culturally appropriate... for your great grandmother's generation.

Why does he want to be part of your mortgage suddenly? Because you have one and he doesn't?

I think the question of you wanting to start a family and him not is more significant and I'd be discussing that one more.

As others have said absolutely tell him no and I would also get rid. I am the same age as you and like you I have no children and own the flat DH and I live in. Just like you I also wanted to be a mother but in my case it ended up being medically in advisable and I have painfully settled for being a stepmother. DH and I were discussing marriage six months after meeting and two months after his divorce was finalised, on Easter Sunday he proposed and we have now been married 5 years and together 8 and a half. He has always paid his fair share and never tried to make a claim on the flat. As it is circumstances conspired in our favour and he now owns his own house too. Your partner has made no real signs of commitment in 10 years and now suddenly he is panicking about his financial future. He isn’t showing he cares about you he is showing he cares about himself.