My man wants my hand and my house

[LennoxBaird]

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

Don’t do it. Listen to your gut.

he stood up for himself and said no when you wanted marriage and children. You can say no to him now, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to stand on his own two feet.

What does he contribute?

You say if the sexes were reversed it would be acceptable but that's not exactly true.

If you shared children and he gave up his career and lost the opportunity to build his pension and relied on you for income while he did the majority of the day to day work of raising your shared children then that would be reasonable and that is what is often the situation when people talk about "if it was the other way round..."

The only way it would be acceptable as a woman would be if you had kids and needed time off to look after yours and HIS kids. Otherwise you would both be working and paying towards the upkeep of the house, food, bills etc.

Absolutely. MN is terrible for this!

Man financially dependent on woman = cocklodger

Woman financially dependent on man = her contribution is not recognised, he's taking advantage of her, she's being sensible asking for her share

I think he worries about his finances and want to take advantage of yours.
I would dump him. But for a start I would say no to his proposal in an informal way as he has proposed.

No way!! You were happy to split it all once if you had kids and a family. That does NOT mean you still have to do that.

He just wants half of your stuff that you've worked for !!!

The reason this was historically and is still somewhat the case, is because women more typically give up work/career progression/earning power to look after the children of the family.

Since that's unlikely to be relevant here, no, you're not being an asshole, you're very sensibly seeing that he wasn't at all interested in the kind of combined future you wanted until he realised "what was in it for him".

And, therefore, applying exactly the same logic yourself, you are quite right to not want to marry him without strongly considering "what is in it for you" - and at this point in time, it may well not be in your best interests.

For sure if you do decide you want to get married, make sure you have a full declaration of trust on the property to protect your equity, and probably also a pre-nup. They're not fully enforceable in UK law, but they are gaining traction, especially if you both take independent legal advice before signing, so still worth having.

If all he is paying is half the bills with no mortgage or rent then he has been living very cheaply for the last 10 years and still has no savings, so is obviously crap with money. Now he wants half a house that he hasn't put a penny into. Fuck that.

If you do decide to add him to the house/mortgage etc, ensure that you will get back the same percentage as you have already paid.

If you still want children you have time to leave him and do IVF by yourself with donor eggs.

But often children are involved and that makes a huge difference because then women have sacrificed something plus we sadly still have a glass ceiling somewhat.

i also think in each situation the circumstances need to be looked at - here he is definitely after the house and no she shouldn’t marry him

No. You aren't being an arsehole. You are recognising that he is trying to take advantage of you.

Marriage provides security and protection if one member of an equal partnership is going to dial down their money-earning capacity in order to raise a family. Marriage ties your financial futures together to make this enormous sacrifice less of a risk.

However it doesn't look like your relationship has ever been equal. He sounds all take-take-take and not much give. I don't blame you for seeing him through rose-tinted-spectacles 10 years ago but he has demonstrated now that he's not good partnership material.

If raising a family isn't on the cards, then the finacial effect of marriage is to reduce the financial stability of the wealthier partner and increase that of the less wealthy. I'm really not seeing what's in it for you.

Has do got any savings (that you know about?). My young adult dc, one paying private rent, and the other on minimum wage, have both managed to save in the space of a few years. If they can do this, then your dp surely can, if earning decent money.

He had his chance

He did not do it for you (when you wanted it)

Now he wants you to do it (when HE wants it)

Keep your own financial future safe. If he wants security he can buy-to-let an apartment as his "security" and pays the mortgage from his own salary/rental income (for example! I know landlords are hated on m'n)

I guess I think of it - if I was a man and he was a woman it would be acceptable. I feel I'm an arshole for being scared of the situation... no?

If you had children together it may feel a little different. As it is no you are right to be scared of losing a chunk of your hard earned assets. He is not going to change in his 40's.

I atually think it's a bit shit he's been paying bills so she can live at 'her' house for the last 10 years. What was in it for him?!

Umm free rent?

Why put an emphasis on 'her' house? It IS her house. She owned it before he came along.

You sound as much of a cocklodger as the OP's boyfriend.

This is exactly what I came on to say. There is absolutely nothing in it for OP apart from getting screwed over

If he has not been paying any rent for 10yrs he should have a nice chunk of cash/savings anyway by now! 10 years rent free living..., you have already been very generous

Is he the beneficiary on your pension, OP? Make sure you change that too!

What are you scared of?

You have everything to lose if you marry him.

no rent to pay was my interpretation

He’s made his position clear .Wasn’t interested in marriage during the last 10 years but is now getting on a bit and thinks it would be good to benefit from you financially as he ages. That is his motivation to change.

not because he is so in love with you.

He could have given her rent. The fact MN seems to think men should live rent-free, it's quite normal for someone to contribute beyond bills when they live in someone else's house.

Please don't do this.

Has he been paying half the mortgage and half of all the bills and any home improvements for the past ten years, or has he just been 'chipping in' a bit less while you paid more because you own the house?
I doubt it.

If less, then where is all the money he saved by living with you that he should have been putting into his own home?
Is he going to put in an equal amount to the amount you have paid towards this house and is he expecting to only pay a half share of what you paid for the house, or does he expect a half share of the current increased value and does he intend to pay you some form of compensation for the loss of that profit on YOUR investment for the past decade?

Is he likely to run up debts?
If so, they can be attached to the house if his name is on the mortgage and his credit will be improved by being a home owner so he will have more chance to get into it.

Do you have someone you planned to leave your property to when you die?
If he is on the mortgage he gets at least half of it to leave to whoever he wants.
Are you considering moving in the future?
You will be handing him control over selling and may end up having to pay him to get your equity out?

When you wanted children, he didn't want to be a family with you, or care what you wanted.
When you wanted to jointly buy a house and it would have been equal, he didn't want to financially commit to you.

This isn't about you.
He's offering 'his hand' (which he thinks you want) as a bribe to gain your house so he has put a price on your relationship now he sees an advantage for himself to doing so.

This is about him wanting to be on the property ladder and gain an asset for under market value.

I atually think it's a bit shit he's been paying bills so she can live at 'her' house for the last 10 years. What was in it for him?!

Not having to pay rent?