My man wants my hand and my house

[LennoxBaird]

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

Quite a few of us told the OP she was taking the piss on that one.

The overwhelming majority of posters castigated and called him all sorts of names. Just like the overwhelming majority here are saying he is wrong for wanting to buy into her property. So she's right for wanting to get put on his house he is wrong for wanting to. Her situation was even worse because she doesn't earn enough to contribute fairly.

So he's been a common-law husband of his own volition?
You wanted kids but don't anymore? He put paid to that?
In terms of fairness, it comes down to...

Has he been paying rent/half the mortgage anyway, all this time?
Has he been paying half the bills or all the bills?
Has he done work on the house/paid towards home improvements?

If yes, then you can ring-fence your initial deposit and add him to the deeds if morally you feel it's just.
If no and you've just been convenient/he's been cock-lodging all this time then no, you don't owe him diddly-squat.

Do you see yourself with him for the next 5 years, in retirement together or til death do you part?
Has his request given you the ick?
Is there any benefit to you at all, e.g. taxes to being married?
How much of your mortgage is paid off?
If you married and had to sell/buy him out, could you?
(the latter question would be if you decided to marry now but only after ring fencing all of your current equity so if you have paid off half the house already you automatically get 50% then you both start paying half the mortgage each from now)

It's make or break time.
It's not romantic.
He's not wrong in that he is totally unprotected...but that was his choice and you don't have kids.

Did you consider that she wanted kids and to get married.

it's not really comparing apples with apples is it.

She's had big dreams and he's not considered them once.

It's not just about the money. If he'd treated her well, given her kids, married her, I'm sure she'd be delighted to have him have half the house. They would be a partnership.

But in this situation it's not. It's him getting to have everything the way he wants it, and then helps himself to more.

Of course she's right to be wary. Trust your instinct OP. This man is a user a taker and an abuser.

The fact you say you're scared tells you all you need to know.

This isn't about love. It's about what he wants on his terms - and then he can love you. But love is not a one way street where only one person gets their needs met.

A good test is to see how long he hangs around if the ‘casual proposal’ is declined.

But at least he has been honest, he has stated clearly he wants security & marriage would provide that, to an extent. He just wants a part of op’s ‘safety net’ that she has worked for.

If he wanted to secure his financial future he could have done so with the money he saved my not paying a mortgage. Now having presumably pissed that money away (or squirrelled it away and you don’t know about it) he wants to use YOUR money to secure his future.
No bloody way. I’d be ending a relationship with someone so obviously looking to take financial advantage but at a minimum do not marry him.

It sounds like the right moment has long long gone and he now wants to do it for his own financial security.

If it was me, I think I would feel quite resentful for what could have been, and that now it's too little too late.

So 7 years ago, did he say no to marriage and DC's ? Why did you stay with him in that case? You've frittered away a lot of your fertile years with him and broken a cardinal rule - never move a man in. If you want to live together it's buy a place together or rent together. I see you wanted that too, but that also didn't happen. Did he do the future-faking of "one day"? After 3 years together, not being on the same page should be a dealbreaker.
While your DP has had no mortgage to pay for years, he should of at least been saving for a deposit, he should of sorted a nest egg. Helping with bills sounds weak tbh. Seems he's spent all he's earnt, probably on himself mostly, how very short-sighted of him.
If, you still want DC's , you'd better get cracking on it. It's rare to suggest this, but under the circumstances, it would be better to insist TTC happens before marriage. If you make this a prerequisite to marriage, his reaction would be interesting, because up to now he's future-faked away the likelihood of DC's being a possibility, which strongly implies he never wanted them.
In short, you had a completely different plan to what he wanted, but stuck with him anyway. Now he wants a share of your house, without having given an inch on the things you wanted, bit rich that.

The difference between that thread and this is that in the first one the man is asking the OP to pay £700 per month in rent, on top of half the bills and food. So she would effectively be paying £700 towards the mortgage but would have no stake in the property.

In this thread the partner pays no rent and the OP doesn't suggest that she wants him to. He is wanting to get his hands on half her house without contributing a penny.

£700 vs nothing means the two aren't comparable. There is no hypocrisy.

You are ignoring the fact that he had subsidised her fir 10 year at £400 a month which included groceries. He was probably fed up and wanted her to move on.

I do agree on the whole people are far more sympathetic to the Op in that one.

However, not all the people posting on there are posting on here. It would only be hypocritical if it’s the same posters saying one thing here and opposite here. Only individuals can be hypocrites. MN itself can’t be hypocritical as it’s made up of thousands of posters.

and plenty of posters have said the same as they are saying here, she shouldn’t be expecting anything. And I agree. She has lived cheaply for years, saved money, she has the opportunity to do something with her own money, which he encouraged, they live like housemates, she doesn’t seem to want to put her money into the house but wants the security of it and continue to live cheaply.

If I were him I wouldn’t just put her name on my houses and if I was op I wouldn’t get married or put her partners names on the house either.

How much would he have paid in rent if he was t living with her?£400 a month seems cheap

On that thread his new house would have been mortgage free but he suddenly wanted her to start paying market rent 🤔

@femfemlicious do you think that on this thread, we could just stick with this thread? You can go back to the thread you are referring to and put things right, or you can start a new thread about your concerns.

No, she was paying him £400 a month which included cost of groceries

I am making a valid point which you do not want to hear but you cannot stop me from saying it . It just really irked me the way they kept calling the guy names when he did nothing wrong . He was simply protecting his assets as she is being advised to here.

If this is a bit blunt then my apologies @LennoxBaird . You see on here a lot of women saying their ex wouldn't marry or have DC with them but does it with the next woman, that's because the ex wasn't the woman they wanted but she'd do until someone else turned up. I'm afraid this is your DP, only no one else turned up so now he's willing to marry you for financial reasons. Don't give him what he wants Op, he's wasted years of your life. Go and find a better man who loves you for you

Do you not understand that people on this thread are different people from the ones on the other thread?
I don't particularly want to hear your opinion of the other thread - repeatedly - as it's not relevant to this thread.

Yeah this. ^ Seen it happen many times over the years. Tale as old as time.

Man refuses to marry long term partner, because 'marriage is not for him' and he comes out with that bullshit trope 'it's only a piece of paper.' 🙄 He keeps her with him all through her fertile years, and when she is still young (and possibly at her best physically.)

Then after X amount of years (usually 10-15,) they split, and he starts seeing another woman, and is married to her within 2 years, and has a baby with her within 3 years. Ex long-term partner is around 40, single, and heartbroken, and will probably never have children.... Because by the time she meets someone else, and he is ready to have children with her, it will be too late for her.

Just ignore me then. Im not forcing you to respond

Im going to throw in another perspective here that it actually can work and not all men are money grabbing dicks

I had a house, the money, no debt whereas my now husband had about £8k of debt and nothing to show for it. After a couple of years I paid off his debts in bulk one at a time and he paid me back at whatever his monthly payments were until it was paid in full to me. We then moved onto his next debt and did the same until they were all paid off.

We were together for almost 7 years when a causal do you want to get married was thrown to me across the sofa. We got married. It was a low key affair. A couple of years after we got a house I would not have been able to afford on my own and now I'm 36 not needing to worry about work if i don't want to as he now earns 6 figures and all my wages just go into our savings account and our mortgage is near non existent. It would be paid off by now but we are buying a new house so need the cash.

We only have the snippets of what the OP is posting and not their full life history about them as a couple and their full dynamics. He may not be a romantic type. If id have posted my story as just facts i would have had all of the same replies as above but not everyone is out for themselves in this world!

Yes but you didn’t want children did you?

This man OP is talking about has never agreed to marriage and then only after realising he can get his sticky mits on the house casually proposes as he sees his meal ticket for life just sitting there like a duck… ready for swiping.

Ah behave.

This man has been financial unreliable before. This man didn’t want to get married and have kids with Op but now he realised he could benefit financially he does.

Thats not about being romantic.

You made a massive gamble in very different circumstances. Did your husband refuse marriage when you wanted to? Then eventually wanted it because he had nothing and wanted you to give him that security without putting anything in? Did he only want to marry you when it became clear it financially benefited him?

if so and you married him it was a reckless gamble and it paid off. Lucky for you. How old were you and your husband when you met? Most people don’t earn 6 figures. The chances of this man ending up earning 6 figures, especially, at his age and being able to invest in a property together as equals is zero.

You are talking 2 different situations and you are lucky it paid off. Well done. But counselling women in different situations that ‘maybe he just isn’t romantic, so give him half your house’

What a selfish, self centred man, OP! He wasn’t interested in marriage and kids when you wanted that some years ago. Presumably he wanted to keep his options open. Now he’s realised he’s getting older and wants you to provide his ‘safety net’? What an absolute cheek! It would be a hard ‘No’ from me. Protect yourself and your assets at this stage in your life, you may well need them at some point.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo why cant I show a different spin on it and counsel others. Every fucker else is or is it because I'm showing a different perspective? Not every man is evil and scum, not that mumsnet would allow anyone to believe otherwise.

We are only around 4 years younger than the OP so not that far out age wise.

My point still stands. If id have posted just my facts everyone on here would have told me the same. We know zero about their relationship and dynamics other than what we have been told. This man could pay for every holiday they have for all we know.