My man wants my hand and my house

[LennoxBaird]

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

You really need to trust your gut on this op...

No need to marry really. It isn't like you have children and who knows what will happen in the future. If you split it will be much less complicated. Definitely say no and see what his reaction is.

He’s waited until he thinks there’s no chance of children despite knowing you wanted them. This is entirely self serving, please don’t risk your finances and retirement for him.

You need to weigh up the value of your home, savings and pension and then divide that by 2.

He’s not offered a joint bigger home or to buy a share or invest in his own property - so what’s he bringing to the table?

Traditionally the man shared because women raised children so they could earn more, but I think that’s something that has died a death.

Think about your own future and what threat might look like, you don’t need a ring, you could leave him a share of the house in death.

He had his chance. He dithered. Not good.

She’s on good money herself, they are far more equal than “yes, have half of my house even though you haven’t paid for it”
Plus women are always far more vulnerable in these situations, as 99% of the time if there is a split, the woman would have custody most of the time, mat leave etc

Why should anyone leave themselves vulnerable ?

If you get married then the finances/house does typically get jointly owned (or more than if you weren’t married).

You can be married and have separate accounts but he will still be entitled to half of your property.

Just because you wanted something in the past, does not mean you have to agree.

Tell him thanks but no thanks because it’s too late now and you’re happy staying unmarried.
He can then decide whether to stay or leave.

Has he been paying you rent?

It sounds like his motivation is money rather than a desire to marry you. I'd feel sad and worried too.

Tell him he’s 7 years too late, and that you are over the disappointment now. Tell him to use his extra money (after ‘chipping in’) to invest in his own financial future, and that he should have been doing that all along.

Why are you still with a man who destroyed your chance to have children? Who has ignored your needs for 10 years and now expects you to hand over half of everything you have to make him feel secure - when he would do nothing even remotely close to that for you?

A man who was with a woman who had refused to have children with him, sponged off him for 10 years, had her housing and all security provided by him. Then demanded he marry her just so she could own half his house, pension and savings, would be laughed at. Not just by him, but by every person he told the story to. She would be branded a gold digger and a user, and not wrongly.

He hasn't wanted to commit for the past 10 yrs. Now that you are potentially past the point [and interest in?] having children he's suddenly interested in getting married to secure his financial future.

Option 1 - thanks but I'm happy as I am dear. Why don't I want to get married ? I think the moment has passed and now it would financially disadvantage me.
Option 2 - certainly. Let's get married and buy a house together. You'll need £X as a house deposit to match me so that we enter into this marriage on an equitable basis.
Option 3. This relationship hasn't been working for me for some time. When I considered a long term future together I've realised that I've put off making a decision and I think we should break up now. I'd like you to move out within 30 days.

I think that marriage is important if a couple has children as in most cases one of the couple will have to sacrifice money/career etc.. If you are both earning the same then it depends on how you feel. I would be suspicious about why he suddenly wants to get married now when you have wanted to get married for years and he was reluctant.

Sure if he puts in the same amount of equity you can put him on the mortgage and make sure he pays half. See a lawyer if you still want to marry him.

But be careful with a Declaration of Trust. My DS had one drawn up when he bought his house because his partner was living with him and was meant to pay half of all mortgage payments and half of all home improvements. Then in the event of the sale of the house DS was to get 60% of the equity and his partner 40% which was to reflect DS's larger contribution to the purchase.
His partner paid nothing towards the mortgage or home improvement costs and 10 months after moving into the house the partner was jailed for a crime.
Now it appears that if DS sells the house his ex partner is entitled to 40% of the equity unless he agrees to surrender his share; which of course he won't. The alternative is litigation to try to get the Declaration of Trust set aside. That could cost thousands with no guarantee DS would win.

So he’s already a cocklodger, and now he wants legal rights?

Nope! I would just tell him it’s too late, you aren’t interested now. There’s nothing to stop him buying a buy to let property or making other savings or investments. He can’t just expect you to hand over half of yours.

He's deliberately wasted your most fertile years by keeping you waiting for the day he agrees to have kids with you.

He doesn't deserve any of your assets.
You've worked hard. Put a roof over his head, saved for your future and built up a pension.
What has he done with his money? Apart from "chipping in" on Bills (I'm assuming just bills, not mortgage) when he can (or when he feels like it)

You have shouldered all the burdens in this relationship, but refusing to have children with you, under the guise of "waiting" is just dishonest and truly awful OP.

BTW. My mum was 43, I had a baby at 41 and I have friends who had babies at 45. So yes, its preferable to have them younger but its still possible.

Please don't marry now, on such an offhand proposal or sign any of your assets over to him. Get legal advice and have a holiday where you think about your plans for the future re children. There are options.

It doesn't matter whether you put him on the mortgage or not - if you marry he will have a right to half your home (maybe more if he works less if you end up having children).

If you don't want him to have any claim on it, don't marry him.

He’s said no to all your dreams for the last 10 years. Now you get to do the same.

Hes not married you. He’s not had kids with you.

Hes treated you with little priority and pleases himself according to his wishes.

You say you love him and he’s your best friend.

How can you love someone who has denied you the very things you wanted?

To be a mum.

To be a wife.

While it may be old-fashioned these two are very high up on the list of life goals for many many women.

Has he given you these? Even though you’ve desperately wanted it?

And now once the penny dropped he could get something more out of you to further prioritise himself, he wants half the house too?

And marriage will formalise this.

When it mattered to you he said no. Now he sees a nest egg and further lining of his own nest he’s interested in the house, and ‘informally’ marriage.

Get this blood sucking selfish leech out of your life. You don’t need him. Find someone who truly wants your dream of marriage and kids and isn’t after your house. He could have his own place too, paid off!

Aspire higher OP!!! Look up not down. You’ve got a very low rent model of a partner right now who is only interested in himself.

Why keep him living with you??

Is there no end to the cocklodger threads on MN these days?

If the circumstances were the same, it would make no difference if you were a man and he was a woman so don't worry about that.

In your position I absolutely would not have joint finances. He is not financially stable, he has nothing to bring to the table. How does he have no savings?

He would have to buy out your half of the house, how will he do that?

Ps; the same is true of your pension remember. If you marry, he's entitled to that too - even if you split.

That's what the contract of marriage is. You become one financial entity.

But if you don't want that with him, I suggest you maybe also question why you're still with him....?

Go with your gut. Don't marry him.

Not a great idea OP.

He wants to secure his financial future with your house and your pension! I think someone has pointed out to him that you have assets and he doesn’t

just say it’s okay no need to marry as we will not be having children - thanks for the offer

Presumably you pay 100% of the mortgage leaving him free to save a lot of money from his wages? His financial future and security isn't your responsibility. You've enabled him to live very cheaply, if he hasn't saved that's his problem.

YES! What @Blackthorne said!!!

Absolute no to marriage or splitting assets. Pretty fucking disgusting that he cildbloodedly denied you children and marriage, then didn't bother to plan for his own future/retirement and now thinks he can live off you! You don't have to dump him if the relationship is convenient to you but no fucking chance would I agree to marry a man like this and to be honest I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him either, the selfishness is too flagrant