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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My man wants my hand and my house

251 replies

LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 11:00

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 01/08/2024 12:22

So the house is in your name, how much equity do you have? If he wants to pay half the mortgage fine, but you need to ringfence your equity so far.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/08/2024 12:26

He's saying 'OK, here's the bloody ring you've been going on about. Now, where's my fucking Dowry? I'm gonna need it for the divorce once I've jacked in my job and you're fed of me living off you'.

JFDIYOLO · 01/08/2024 12:27

Isn't what he's asking for what mumsnetters advise / get advised to do quite often? Considering future security?

altmember · 01/08/2024 12:27

PashaMinaMio · 01/08/2024 11:15

This ^^

Take legal advice before you do anything. Go see a solicitor on the quiet in your lunch break. Take notes at that meeting so you remember what’s said.

Don’t make yourself financially vulnerable for lack of advice. Please, don’t!

Edited
Show quote history

Marriage trumps deed of trust so there's no guarantee that would protect the OP's assets. Shed actually be better off putting him on the title with a deed of trust and staying unmarried.

GingerPirate · 01/08/2024 12:28

😂😂😂
Never!
Don't do it.
For many obvious reasons, plus marriages, even the decent ones, are hugely overrated.

FloydPink · 01/08/2024 12:28

Noshowlomo · 01/08/2024 11:41

I know someone who asked his ex this, she owned her own house, he wanted to move in and go on the mortgage. She is sooo glad she didn’t as he is completely useless, in a crap job and always skint. She went onto marry a wealthy man and they happily split finances. She would have just handed over half her property to a man who hadn’t contributed to any of it if she had married him.

So basically its ok one way but not the other?

She shouldnt have split finances with someone poorer but ok to do so to someone richer?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 01/08/2024 12:30

Creating a life together, meeting joint needs , is one thing. This is another, where he secures his financial future and offers nothing that you wanted to you. Don't do it.

Lacdulancelot · 01/08/2024 12:32

Well it depends.
Does he have a good job?
Where does he live now?
is he dependable?
Would you benefit financially from marriage and do you have or want dc?

quockerwodger · 01/08/2024 12:33

Jesus.

10 years and no commitment until you've got an asset he wants a bit of?

That can't be the man you've hitched your wagon too surely?

Original poster
LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:34

Thank you for that. My gut is definitely saying no...

OP posts:
Original poster
LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:41

We've lived together in my house. I got it 11 years ago, he chips in for the bills. I think.what scared me was his words... Im embarrassed to talk about here, but I really have no one to talk to about this... the red flags are obvious when he said "so that my future is secure too, nor only yours. You have a safety net I don't ". I know this sounds bad. I do feel loved though, he is my best friend and a good person. But financially he's been dependent in me before when in between jobs or out of work. I always had work. ALWAYS. I look after my pension and hence wanted a house to be safe always... and then we met. I think I just don't want to act on the red flags 😕

OP posts:
cauliflowercheeseplease · 01/08/2024 12:43

Freeyourmind · 01/08/2024 11:11

I second all the answers given already, but if you do decide to ultimately add him to the mortgage I would certainly have a declaration of trust drawn up first which would protect the equity you already have in the property.

This.

I'd mention this to him and see what his reaction is.

Eyesopenwideawake · 01/08/2024 12:44

If you want to continue the relationship simply tell him you've changed your mind about getting married, don't want the faff, very happy as you are, etc, etc. But he's v. welcome to go on the mortgage if he wants, just not on the deeds...

Original poster
LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:47

I'm 40 and yes I have been steadily progressing in my career. We make similar money now, but my job is stable his situation is not. Does he have savings -no.
The last time I wanted kids was 7 years ago. That's when I wanted us to be together and do all the marriage stuff with buying a property together etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:50

I guess I think of it - if I was a man and he was a woman it would be acceptable. I feel I'm an arshole for being scared of the situation... no?

OP posts:
buttonsB4 · 01/08/2024 12:50

He currently only "chips in" towards bills??

So he's not even contributing to the upkeep of the house, or paying any rent and hasn't for a decade?

He never wanted to marry you, but now he's proposed (without bothering to buy a ring) because he wants to secure his financial future?

The time for him to go all in with you was early doors when you were on a level playing field, not now you have a decent pension and a house with equity - he must realise what it looks like?

Andthereitis · 01/08/2024 12:50

If you do not want to marry him or it feels horrible or even a bit odd then don't.

He's sort of missed the boat... And maybe that's why you're feeling as you do.

Fairygoblin · 01/08/2024 12:55

Stay as you are unless you want to give away half your pension and halve your equity when it goes wrong. I got burnt 20 years ago.... never again

FrogHoppingFreezer · 01/08/2024 12:56

Why bother getting married? You don't have to. Just stay as you are.

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2024 12:58

At least he is honest! he wants your house, money and pension. Break up with him now. Run, don't walk.

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2024 12:58

He's not a good person; he is a freeloader with no self-respect.

stayathomer · 01/08/2024 13:00

Is he not trying to give you what you’ve been asking for and showing commitment? To be honest if you’re scared you need to do a lot of thinking x

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 01/08/2024 13:01

stayathomer · 01/08/2024 13:00

Is he not trying to give you what you’ve been asking for and showing commitment? To be honest if you’re scared you need to do a lot of thinking x

Yeah now it suits HIM!

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 01/08/2024 13:02

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2024 12:58

He's not a good person; he is a freeloader with no self-respect.

This ^ In spades!

StickItInTheFamilyAlbum · 01/08/2024 13:02

If you want to continue this relationship, I'm seconding the PPs who stress the necessity for legal advice and financial protection/prudence.

But, a grown adult who 'chips in' for bills yet has not used those freed-up funds to make their own investments for their future? Is this the sort of parity of esteem and personal values that you'd envisaged for your relationship?

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