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Original poster

My man wants my hand and my house

251 replies

LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 11:00

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 01/08/2024 15:56

I would say to him he can achieve financial stability through investments and pensions. As you’re paying the mortgage and he therefore has no rent or mortgage to pay you are already facilitating this. Tell him you have no children and you aren’t young and therefore « building a life » together and therefore you have no intention to marry him.

You’re happy to assist him with organising his finances to ensure he has savings investments and a pension if this is not a skill he has.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 01/08/2024 15:59

Wave bye and move on.

Wheresthebeach · 01/08/2024 15:59

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2024 12:58

At least he is honest! he wants your house, money and pension. Break up with him now. Run, don't walk.

This - in spades. He’s after your money - this is not gesture of love. He can leave with 50% of everything after a few years.

FluentRubyDog · 01/08/2024 15:59

Didn't read the full thread, but, DUMP!!! That man has NO interest in your welfare whatsoever.

MellersSmellers · 01/08/2024 16:01

That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged

Up to you, but if someone asked me if they could be "part of my house mortgage" I'd make sure the share of ownership of the house reflected the amount of the mortgage I'd already paid (so not 50/50) as well as make sure we split the mortgage costs going forward. I'd apply the same principles to all other finances - any savings you already have remain in your name only, and only new savings etc are merged.

Wheresthebeach · 01/08/2024 16:04

He’s wasted years of your life, denied you the chance of children and has been living off you basically. Now he wants the legal right to your money and pension. Vile man.

blueberryforest · 01/08/2024 16:07

You don't have to end the relationship, but say no to risking your lifetime of hard work because he wants security. If he wanted that, he could've had it by committing to you, years ago. A more casual, or at least less entwined, relationship was what he wanted, and that's what he now has. It's too late now to change that (especially when he clearly is only worried about shoring up his own future).

I am curious, though, exactly what you said to him when you mentioned you worried about your financial future.

perfectstorm · 01/08/2024 16:11

LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:50

I guess I think of it - if I was a man and he was a woman it would be acceptable. I feel I'm an arshole for being scared of the situation... no?

Er, no. That would get the woman called a gold-digger.

The ONLY time this would be seen as fair would be if there were kids, and the woman's contributions in child-bearing and child-raising had harmed her own financial security. That's not unfair. That's anything but.

He didn't want the commitment when you wanted a family, but now that ship is pretty much sailed he wants a right to your income and your assets? Why should he? You've already subsidised him through voluntary willingness, and now he wants the right to force that, too. You do know that if you marry, the previous years living together can be added to the length of the marriage to establish his entitlement - so he could leave you in two years for a 26 year old, taking half your pension in the years together plus half your home, and you would have no power to stop him?

He sounds awful.

kkloo · 01/08/2024 16:20

It would be a no from me.
He could save money himself for his future.
If he's only chipping in for bills and not paying a mortgage then he should be well able to save.

Suusue · 01/08/2024 16:27

A thousand no's

Grmumpy · 01/08/2024 16:31

If you want to marry him, no problem. Just get a legal agreement to protect your assets.

heavenisaplaceonearth · 01/08/2024 16:48

Why doesn’t he buy himself a property and a pension as a safety net? He sounds like he hasn’t thought this through

pinkyredrose · 01/08/2024 16:54

LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:41

We've lived together in my house. I got it 11 years ago, he chips in for the bills. I think.what scared me was his words... Im embarrassed to talk about here, but I really have no one to talk to about this... the red flags are obvious when he said "so that my future is secure too, nor only yours. You have a safety net I don't ". I know this sounds bad. I do feel loved though, he is my best friend and a good person. But financially he's been dependent in me before when in between jobs or out of work. I always had work. ALWAYS. I look after my pension and hence wanted a house to be safe always... and then we met. I think I just don't want to act on the red flags 😕

What was stopping him buying his own house with the tens of thousands he's saved on rent while living with you?

dirndl · 01/08/2024 16:54

Dweetfidilove · 01/08/2024 13:04

Please seek legal/financial advice even if you do not marry him, as now he's been alerted to the fact his financial future is somewhat precarious, he may because a whole different man.
You've already gifted him your most fertile years (most likely), so don't allow him any room to take your assets too. Men like him often fleece you, then go on and give the life you wanted with him to someone else.

Edited

OMG yes to this.
He is phrasing it as 'only fair that he has the same as you' at the moment (having previously refused a true partnership) and soon will be moving on to 'his rights'. I don't know what conversation with whom, or what kind of thoughts have caused him to suddenly be so concerned about his financial future but it'd be an alarm bell to me, that one way or another something is up. Take advice and make sure your property and your money are well out of his reach.

He refused to buy a house with you to protect both your futures but doesn't mind sharing the fruit of your efforts? Well yes, wouldn't it be wonderful for him to have the option to waltz off into the sunset with half of your hard earned assets, right?

Dweetfidilove · 01/08/2024 17:10

dirndl · 01/08/2024 16:54

OMG yes to this.
He is phrasing it as 'only fair that he has the same as you' at the moment (having previously refused a true partnership) and soon will be moving on to 'his rights'. I don't know what conversation with whom, or what kind of thoughts have caused him to suddenly be so concerned about his financial future but it'd be an alarm bell to me, that one way or another something is up. Take advice and make sure your property and your money are well out of his reach.

He refused to buy a house with you to protect both your futures but doesn't mind sharing the fruit of your efforts? Well yes, wouldn't it be wonderful for him to have the option to waltz off into the sunset with half of your hard earned assets, right?

Show quote history

He's been living comfortably, knowing OP will pay the majority of the bills and generally deny all her desires to please him. I bet he was also comfortable in his belief that she'd eventually just give him a share of her house too.
Now the OP has pointed out that this may not be so, he's ready to lock her down. The man is a fraud 😟.

DBD1975 · 01/08/2024 17:10

Difficult one as no-one can see into the future. I had this dilemma and we moved as soon as we could to buy a place together. If you do this get a Tennants in common agreement that way you protect the equity you put into the next property. If you don't move and buy a place together get an actual rent book and charge him rent from day 1 that way no claim on your property as just a lodger

femfemlicious · 01/08/2024 17:14

It's really funny. There was a recent post of a woman talking about her partner not adding her to the house when she had paid £400 a month for bills and food for 10 years. People were really horrible about him, acting like he did her wrong and he is supposed to pay for her for the rest of her life... now look what everyone is saying here?

femfemlicious · 01/08/2024 17:16

I guess only women are supposed to secure their financial future on men. If he was a woman and came here for advice, he would be advised to make her marry him!. Extreme double standards

femfemlicious · 01/08/2024 17:18

magicmushrooms · 01/08/2024 13:45

I can see what is in it for him, but not for you. Yes, he is in a precarious situation but marriage could mean a 50/50 split of assets which is why he wants to go down this route.

Reversing the male\female roles he has not had to give up work as a SAHP (losing earnings/pension etc) to raise children nor will he have to support any if you split.

The woman last week had done none of that but the man was villified. All she did was live in his house.

Greytulips · 01/08/2024 17:19

I guess only women are supposed to secure their financial future on men

And why do you think that is? They birth the children and lose ££££ in salary promotions, they are the ones who suffer financially when the marriage fails.

Most MN worn against moving in and paying £££ when he could throw her out at a seconds notice.

This man has been earning (not care giving) and has done nothing to secure his future and denied OP children and marriage.

He knew what he was doing.

Coconutter24 · 01/08/2024 17:21

Edingril · 01/08/2024 11:04

Don't people who get married join finances and buy property together?

Some do but they tend to marry for love. You don’t get married because you want to merge finances

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/08/2024 17:22

LennoxBaird · 01/08/2024 12:50

I guess I think of it - if I was a man and he was a woman it would be acceptable. I feel I'm an arshole for being scared of the situation... no?

"I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged."
Nope, I don't think what you have described here would be any more acceptable acceptable if you were a man and he was a woman. It really wouldn't be more acceptable AT ALL.

RawBloomers · 01/08/2024 17:23

femfemlicious · 01/08/2024 17:16

I guess only women are supposed to secure their financial future on men. If he was a woman and came here for advice, he would be advised to make her marry him!. Extreme double standards

That is not so common if the woman hasn’t given up working (or knobbled her carreer) to look after children or otherwise support them as a family group.

If it’s been her money and his money until now and she’d been living in his house rent free, most posters would ask her what she’s been doing with her money all this time, why she hadn’t secured her own financial future and why she thinks she deserves his money.

femfemlicious · 01/08/2024 17:28

RawBloomers · 01/08/2024 17:23

That is not so common if the woman hasn’t given up working (or knobbled her carreer) to look after children or otherwise support them as a family group.

If it’s been her money and his money until now and she’d been living in his house rent free, most posters would ask her what she’s been doing with her money all this time, why she hadn’t secured her own financial future and why she thinks she deserves his money.

Edited
Show quote history

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5125881-new-house-in-dps-name-only-confused-about-future-housing-situation?page=5&reply=137182578

Look what people are calling the man in a very similar situation. Even worse because doesn't even earn enough.

Page 18 | New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation | Mumsnet

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I move...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5125881-new-house-in-dps-name-only-confused-about-future-housing-situation?page=5&reply=137182578