My man wants my hand and my house

[LennoxBaird]

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

@LakelandDreams · Today 13:27

I agree with the other posters but can't help thinking how hypocritical MN is sometimes. If it were a woman asking this of a man then MN would be shouting at her to get herself on the deeds to protect herself.

This tedious drivel always pops up on these threads. Of COURSE women need to protect themselves more, as they are way more vulnerable than men. Especially if they have children with him. Not that hard to figure out! 🙄

Listen to your gut. He wants on YOUR mortgage, doesn't always have a job, and has no secure future. Now he wants to secure HIS future on your back and at your expense.

Not only "NO!" but "HELL NO!"

Concerning the "if you were a man, and he was a woman, it would be okay." No, it would not. He has no stable income. He has no savings. He has zero stability.
As it is, it sounds like he cannot even pay part of the bills at times.
I would say this no matter what sex each person was. He was his future secured by your house, when he should be working on his security for the future by WORKING, saving, putting money into a private pension.

You marry him, and he will be part owner of your house and future pension. Unless you fancy working until you are 80, I would decline his less than generous offer. That ship sailed years ago, before you had a lot of equity in your house and a good pension build up.

🚩🚩🚩RED FLAG ALERT🚩🚩🚩

But the point is that in many, many cases - there are kids/household to look after and the woman has given up time / career opportunities to look after these. And they are purposely kept off the mortgage etc so the man can protect his assets. It’s really not as common the other way around. There was a thread recently where a man was lamenting his ex wife getting half of everything and lots of people on the thread said he should have sought legal advice to protect his assets before getting married.

he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future.

How long ago was this conversation?

When you said you were worried about the future did you mean because you were having to carry it all, when he immediately saw it as his chance to take half of what you have?

My read of this is that he has told you everything you need to know: he didn’t want to commit all through your 30s and is only interested now you are both older, your financial situation has surpassed his and he is getting worried for himself. He’s been happy to be dependant on you (implicitly, since he hasn’t built any financial security of his own) all this time whilst refusing to sort himself out or commit more fully. It also strikes me that he is happier to ‘lock in’ now you are 40 and kids are less likely.

You have the upper hand here, OP. Decide what you really want in life and whether he is going to be a part of it or not. I had my own unreliable partner all through my 20s and 30s and it’s been a great relief to be rid of him in my 40s. It was very hard to see because he too was lovely on every other way, but he wouldn’t step up and be a dependable adult. Yours sounds the same and you could be with someone who is a real partner that supports you.

In the future it's entirely possible that he'll get rights over your house because of long term cohabiting anyway. This was Labour's plan before they got in, no evidence they've changed their minds.

Just something to think about, not sure how you'd (and millions of others) protect yourself then. You're right to be thinking of protecting yourself as the law stands now though.

Quote from one of hundreds of articles (October 2023):

Common Law Marriage for Cohabitants – Labour’s Pledge

Yesterday, Emily Thornberry, the shadow attorney-general, indicated at the Labour Conference that Labour was committed to giving millions of cohabiting couples rights to each other’s property if they split up, as part of a common-law marriage pledge.

The proposals would create a form of common-law marriage for those unmarried couples who have lived together for a few years similar to the “de facto” relationship status that exists for these couples in New Zealand and Australia.

I agree with this. It doesn't matter if the homeowner is male or female, unless/until children are involved. You have no obligation to financially support a DP or put their name on your home, unless you decide or you agree that they don't need to work/can cut their hours.

Your gut is correct!
He only wants to marry you now to ensure that he is financially secure and can take your assets in the event that you split. I can't see any justification for him doing this as you have no children together.

If you were a man with any sense you'd do your due diligence before getting financially involved with someone. It's one thing to support a partner because they are contributing to the family in a different way, such as through childcare or other caring, because they are studying, or because they are ill. It's a different thing to prop someone up when they haven't made careful provision for their own future, nor shown that they have a similar attitude to you about money

So all of a sudden he wants to commit? How do you feel about your relationship op?

I can see what is in it for him, but not for you. Yes, he is in a precarious situation but marriage could mean a 50/50 split of assets which is why he wants to go down this route.

Reversing the male\female roles he has not had to give up work as a SAHP (losing earnings/pension etc) to raise children nor will he have to support any if you split.

Don't fall for this crap. He hasn't listened to your wishes for 10 YEARS!!! Now wants a piece of your house whilst putting nothing else in himself.
Your house is your only insurance against old age or him leaving you.
Worst case scenario he leaves you for somebody else at some stage and runs off with half your house.
I trusted my husband of 20 years implicitly yet this is what he tried to do.

I hope both men and women take this seriously. Any person who has saved and secured their future could be taken advantage of under many circumstances.

I am not talking about situations where children are involved or one is a SAHP. I am talking about couples living together and one of the couple not contributing as they should, turning around and claiming half of things they never helped achieve.

Some are comparing this to a woman who wants financial security (often while raising kids and working pt etc). But if the woman had no to marriage for 10 years, then effectively confessed to wanting to get married for half the house, I’d advise the same thing.

You have a sense of fear but can’t place it. I think this is because later down the line he might fancy half your house/pension. He has shown he isn’t fully committed so don’t sign over your property to him.

If you split up he will take half of what is yours. And it seems a more likely scenario given that he only proposing because of "financial security". This guy is not after a marriage forever, he is after your money.

And I would say the same if its was the other way round. If he loved you, he would have married you ages ago. And he wouldn't have talked about money.

Completely different as these women have children with the other person.

You've been with a man for ten years and haven't been sharing everything?? That makes no sense to me at all. He's basically been your flatmate not your partner. What a waste of 10 years! How does this type of relationship even work? You owe me £3 for this coffee, I bought one yesterday etc.

You're not good for each other. I'd be telling him to walk too!

Yesterday, Emily Thornberry, the shadow attorney-general, indicated at the Labour Conference that Labour was committed to giving millions of cohabiting couples rights to each other’s property if they split up, as part of a common-law marriage pledge.

I think that's nuanced. If a woman in the partnership has given up her career to raise their children it's right that she shouldn't be left with nothing to show for it if he decides he wants out. If she believed and acted as if it was an equal partnership where each brought different attributes to the table.

But it's also clearly a cocklogder(of either sex)'s charter.

He has been with her for 10 years. She bought a house 11 years ago.

So he doesn’t pay the mortgage, only bills? If you marry, the house becomes a marital asset to which he has rights. Why marry? It won’t make your relationship more secure, but does remove you being able to kick him out should something goes wrong. Why has he had to rely on you for financial support? Do you trust him?

This should be a prompt for a number of people to rethink their relationships and any likely consequences.

If it was the other way round, MN would be screaming that's not on, you're paid his bills for the last 10 years, of course you're entitled to something.

I atually think it's a bit shit he's been paying bills so she can live at 'her' house for the last 10 years. What was in it for him?!

But note that this is then invalid when they marry as it becomes a marital asset

But it’s been his choice, according to the OP, who has apparently wanted to get married for years. He decided no, so now possibly he’s thinking ‘Shit, she could kick me out, I’m unprotected (as I would be if unmarried)’ Paying bills doesn’t entitle him to anything-in law-look at renters, they’re not entitled to the house, are they, no matter how long they’ve rented it. They pay bills, same as this guy.

The proposal as described here makes no sense. Any "safety net" that getting married would provide OP's OH would come at the expense of OP's own "safety net". Something that OP might consider is in her will naming her OH to inherit her property upon her death, should the unthinkable happen. Being together for a decade is pushing towards 'life partner' territory. But with no kids involved it'd be insane to give the OH a claim on the property in the event of a split.