My man wants my hand and my house

[LennoxBaird]

I've been in a long term relationship-10years now. My partner only recently proposed (informally). I tied for years for getting us ro buy a place together, have a family or get married but he wasn't interested until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future. That's when he asked if he could be a part of my house mortgage and to get married to get our finances merged. I'm scared. Any advice?

Do you still want children? Does he want children? If you’ve been together ten years, and you’ve not brought together, got engaged, planned to have children, then it doesn’t really sound like a good long term partnership. Most people make definitive plans after a couple of years, not have a (panic?) informal proposal and decide to buy when you start making noises about it.

He’s worried that his comfy set up is slipping away from him. Have a big think about what you want from the future. I think this could be a turning point in your life.

Carry on living with him if you want but don’t get married.
And tell him that he needs to secure his own financial future and not rely on you.
In fact make a will to leave your house to a family member.
And let him know.
You’ll see his true colours then.

I'd encourage him to save for his own investments but no to marriage or getting a share of your house.

That's a really shitty selfish proposal. He could have at least pretended he wanted to marry you because he loves you.

At least its honest you know where you stand. You can marry him and give him a share of your pension and house in the future if he ditches you.

Please tell me you aren't falling for this?

If you're feeling fear like that with a partner of 10 years. Then your gut has already told you the score OP.

He's a lazy fucker who wants a slice of your pie. That's all.

He's having a laugh! He didn't want marriage or a joint property until you made him think how much better off he'd be if he married you.
I have no idea what your relationship is generally like but I'd either tell him you're happy as you are, or I'd tell him to jog on!

Sorry, just read your updates. It sounds like one of those type of relationships whereby he’s slipped into cocklodger territory. Ie, supported by you. Despite earning, he’s not saved any money for hibsrlf. I’m guessing you do all the ‘wife-work’ despite being two adults of equal status in the relationship. At forty with no kids, you’ve got nothing to gain from marriage, whilst he has.

Tell him to buy his own investment property. He doesn't get half of yours now you have been paying for it for 11 years while he has been a freeloader! Chipping in for bills! What a fucking joker.

OP, it’s not too late if you wanted a child - you can do it alone! Or maybe you have moved past it but I just wanted to flag it. I think that he is being very cheeky. He didn’t want to marry you, build a home together. And now he wants to benefit from your investment?! Heck no. He has already been benefitting from not having to pay a mortgage or rent, what’s he done with it? I think you are different people and is he even right for you any more?

NO!
I'm 45 and one day l'd be a worse arsehole!
Don't do this.
I promise you and repeat myself, even if decent man, you are not gaining anything, he is.
You got yourself a fairly independent life, fairly early.
Build on it. Don't take care of your man in this way.

A marriage proposal should at least include words to the effect of I love you so much, I want to build a life with you, I want us to be together until we die, I want to commit to you through sickness and everything, I want to tell the world this , etc etc. these are good reasons to get married. He hasn't mentioned any of this he just wants a good financial set up for himself. Not a chance would I agree to that! What on earth is in it for you? You stand to gain nothing at all and stand to lose half of all you have.

I agree with the other posters but can't help thinking how hypocritical MN is sometimes. If it were a woman asking this of a man then MN would be shouting at her to get herself on the deeds to protect herself.

Clean slate? Can you protect your current asset, and suggest you buy a new property together, saving for a deposit and applying for a mortgage in both your names? On the condition that he also buys into a private pension and pays as much in voluntary contributions as he possibly can in order to get closer to matching your financial security.

Yeah this. He has probably always been under the impression that you are common-law husband and wife, (as you've been living together 10 years,) and that he will be entitled to half of everything - including YOUR house.

Then he looked into it properly and discovered that common-law husband and wife doesn't exist, and he has no more rights to anything of yours - savings, house, pension etc, - than the postman. You're basically just flatmates who shag.

Dump him @LennoxBaird He is just a self-serving grabby entitled cocklodge.

I agree.
When I was living with very cheap rent contributions to a property my ex owned I was saving my spare money sensibly and I now have my own place. I didn't feel entitled to half his property. But if I'd stopped work to have children with him I would have needed security first.

I think you’d lose all this stability you’ve worked so hard for. I hope you’re ok with not having kids, not that’s just what’s happened because you were with this man. Here’s what you can tell him ‘I have really wanted to get married, because I thought it meant we were committing to each other. Looking back at the last ten years, I think you’re mainly committing to having me as a safety net, and I’m still my only safety net. I’m not comfortable with that, I’ve worked so hard to get here while supporting you at times. I’ve decided I don’t want to get married unless we are financially supporting each other, which is not something you’ve ever had as a priority. If you are only interested in getting married for finances, we are probably done anyway really, as that’s not a relationship is it.

Declarations of trust are null and void once a marriage is entered into.

If you were a man who worried about losing half their assets to a woman who contributed nothing, it would be the same

you’re scared because someone is eyeing up your money. Listen to the fear and end the relationship. He’s been living off you. I don’t know why you allowed that but you can stop it now.

do not get married. He’ll go off and look for his next victim.

I don't get it, I really don't

You've been with this person 10+ years and at one point wanted kids, he said no?
Or did he say maybe?
Not this year, maybe next.
One day perhaps.

Has he been strong you along?
Parasitically draining your life time whilst denying you the child you wanted? Sucking your finances dry and now you're 40 he's trying to really dig the last hook in and take what you've worked for?

And you're somehow torn?

Prenups and wedding and mortgages be bollocksed.. suit case, his stuff in, don't waste a single second more of your time left on this earth with this person..

Or, put it this way, 10 years ago was the time to kick him out and find a person who wanted the same as you, marriage, kids, shared house etc.

Only if she'd given up work to have his kids or be his free live in maid, or if she was paying market rate rent which some men seem to convince their live in girlfriends to do!

He robbed you of your chance of children AND because that wasn’t enough now he wants to rob you of secure housing which YOU worked and paid for???

This. Suddenly he is at that age he realises he has nothing. But if he does marry you (why would you want to now?) he gets your house and half your pension. If his job isn’t secure either he could soon be unemployed but since half yours is his and his future is secure he might not even bother to find a new job.

Don’t do this op. You’d be mad to. You opened your eyes late, but not too late.

If I've read your posts correctly, OP, you've put your life on hold because of this man. Would it be impertinent to ask if you really wanted children seven years ago, or was it just something you considered?

Certainly not if she'd been refusing to marry him for ten years, was frequently out of work and didn't pay rent.

until I mentioned that I worry about our financial future

I don’t understand. What are you worried about-you have a secure job and own a house?

Why are you suddenly worried about your financial future and why has your worry meant he wants to be on your mortgage?

This is sound advice for women when there are children involved for whom the woman is primary carer. It looks as if the OP wanted children and suggested marriage and joint property ownership 7 years ago, but this didn't happen. If no children in the picture, and DP not having inconvenienced himself unduly to contribute to 'family life' financially, OP really has no obligation to account for the securing of his future. He has had every opportunity to do what she has done for the last 10 years.

Wow, no. You should tell him it's (presumably) 20+ years until he retires so he has all that time to create security for his old age, thereby contributing equally to your joint security. Absolutely 100 per cent do not give up one penny of your own security. As someone staring down the face of old age and everything it means, do not do it, OP!