Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

Be sad, @Girlgamer . You are allowed to miss the future you thought you were going to have. You're allowed to miss the man you thought he was.

Be sad as you change the locks.
Be sad as you block his number and remove everything that reminded you of him.
Give yourself some time to grieve what you thought would be.

Then get happy that you won't have to live your life with a man who never really cared for you. Celebrate being strong enough to hold your ground.

If this was an 8 year relationship and you were not ready to have him move in then he would maybe have a point, but should still have discussed it. Anything under 3 years and you are well rid.

He clearly thought he could use emotional blackmail to get you to let him move in. Even now he might be thinking, give it a few days and she’ll come crawling back. Don’t. Change the locks (in case he has a spare key) and block him on everything. I have a nasty feeling you may not have heard the last from this man, but his behaviour has shown you who he really is. Saying you want to continue to date might be interpreted as leaving the door ajar. Once it becomes clear you aren’t going to cave he might try to apologise and get round you that way. If necessary work out now what you are going to say if that happens ie no thanks, after everything I no longer want to carry on seeing you. Stay strong, you don’t need or deserve a man like this in your life. He clearly thinks he’s a real prize, but it’s you who’s the prize here, not him! Buy a kitten or a puppy for emotional support if you need it and get on with your life. Xx

Be aware: he thinks he is calling bluff. He believes you will call him because you want him back and will allow him to move in. This manipulation has just entered the next phase.

He said he either moves in or we break up

I know it doesn’t feel like it but much better to discover his attitude to resolving differences of opinion on anything important now. That he could be dogmatic in an area where he is obviously in the wrong is a major red flag. The moving in without consultation was another.

Well done for standing firm

Keep him gone. He just wanted to use you.

Sounds controlling. Get rid

Well done for enforcing your boundary.
I'm sorry you probably feel rubbish about the break up, but it's for the best. As others have said, look out for the next steps like...
..drunk calls... I miss you messages.....'mistake' pocket dials... can I stay, just for a week or so while I find somewhere else....
and others!
Come back here for strength when you need it.

I’m inclined to agree with this OP, keep strong and really think about what just happened.

Havent read all the replies but so many people have told you to get your key back. Never bother with this, he can easily make a copy unless you have a very complex lock.

Change ALL the locks, including back door ones.

I think it's for the best. He handled this very, very badly and you've probably had a good escape.

How many times will he use the ploy "The relationship will end if you don't do blank."? It will be every time you have a disagreement. Be glad he is gone.

I’m sorry that things have ended in this way, but it does show his true colours. If he truly cared for you one jot, this would never have happened.

The audacity!!! I cannot believe he moved himself in, without discussing it and then tried to guilt trip you into letting him stay!! Good riddance you don’t want someone like that in your life! Was he only with you for a cheap place to stay?! Otherwise I don’t understand his reasoning!! Let him move back in with mummy and daddy and get back out there dating an Adult!!

@Girlgamer I know it won't feel like it right now but you have dodged a massive bullet here. This is such an extreme reaction to somebody placing boundaries after the absolute audacity of his own behaviour. It's totally abnormal. Can you imagine how much he would have blackmailed you each time he didn't get his own way? You deserve better than this creep

I’m sorry if you are hurting op. But My God you had a lucky escape. Well done you on standing your ground. Watch he doesn’t come crawling back and try again..

In all honestly, he has saved you from yourself. Why on Earth would you like to continue dating someone who has forced himself into your household?

Please don’t be there waiting for him when he gets fed up of his parents. He needs to be kept at arms length.

He said he either moves in or we break up.

I'm sorry it's ended like this OP. I'm sure two days ago you didn't expect that your relationship would be over, so it must feel crap that it's come to an end so suddenly.

At the same time, it is a major red flag, I mean massive warning sign, for any person - man or woman - to try to manipulate you the way your ex did and then to react as he did when you set a boundary.

So although it probably doesn't feel like it right now, I think you've had a lucky escape. 💐

Let him go and be grateful he's gone. Give yourself permission to feel sad, but stay strong. Ask yourself, why it was all or nothing? If he really cared for you (the person that you are and not the convenience of your home), it wouldn't be this way.

OP sounds like a very lucky escape!

OP, he sounds horrible. Who the fuck moves himself into someone's house without lots of conversations on both sides.

You've had a lucky escape getting him out.

You are much better off knowing now what a bully, baby and idiot he is. Cheeky, arrogant, rude bastard. How dare he think he could just do that! It's a horrible, unacceptable thing to do to anyone.

Absolutely agree - well done for standing up for yourself. Now you just have to keep on doing just that.
You haven’t said whether he’s gone back to his parents or gone elsewhere. If/when he gets back in touch to try to continue to manipulate you into letting him move in, if he complains he is now sofa surfing and has nowhere to go that is further evidence that his parents have had enough of him, and that turning up on your doorstep had nothing to do you at all. The whole thing is so bizarre that I would bet good money he’s had a row with his folks. He hasn’t called your bluff (although no doubt that’s what he imagines) instead you have called his bluff. Hopefully he won’t bother you again but it seems almost inevitable. Just remember that he is trash, you are not. You wouldn’t let a pile of garbage sit festering in your home, would you…? If he’s that keen to move out of his parents’ home he should get his own place like everyone else does. Best of luck 💐

The relationshop ending is a blessing. His actions showed a total disregard for your opinion. If you'd rolled over he would have forver been steamrolling you and then using the threat of the relationship ending to continue on his chosen course of action. THat isn't a great recipie for a long term relationship.

I'm sure you are a big girl.

Ask him to leave. Tell me that you are not ready to be living together. Decide what you want.