Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

OP - you can do better than him. Please do not give up your personal and financial independence to this boundary-trampling parasite.

Massive disrespect.
Massive red flag.
If you accept this he will be exploring to find just how many reasonable boundaries he can get away with breaking.

You have to get him out now. Simply say that you aren't ready to consider this step and will not consider it at all if he doesn't leave right this minute. If he leaves immediately without a fuss then it's ok to continue dating him, and have some conversations about potentially moving in in about 6 months time. If he tries to minimise your feelings or tell you that you are wrong, the relationship has to be over.

Perfectly said.

Yes, definitely pack his stuff back up and take it back to his parents. Ask them why he's now your responsibility...pound to a penny he's had a row with them...

@Girlgamer looks like he recognises you for what you are!! A WALKOVER!!!!!! it says it all right here! I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back. grow a pair and have his stuff on the doorstep when he arrives back from work!! hopefully, you had the good sense not to give him a house key!!

That's not something that a real 'partner' would do. Utterly disrespectful, not merely trampling your boundaries but acting like you don't have any.

How old is this man?

Its a concern that you cant communicate clearly with him anyway so the relationship doesnt sound amazing. The fact he does what he wants and you dont feel capable of being able to say that it isnt acceptable, doesnt bode well for the relationship at all.

When he finishes work sit him down and tell him that moving in is something that would come after a discussion and clear rules, neither of which happened, it isnt a surprise and it wasnt appreciated and you were in shock but should have said so last night.

He moved in fast so he could move out just as quick. Make sure he moves his stuff tonight before he settles in and maybe reevaluate why you felt you couldnt tell him he was being cheeky.

How long have you been together and how old is he?

🚩🚩🚩

OMG this is unbelievable cheeky-fuckery!! Was he waving these around...🚩🚩🚩🚩?

Seeing as it was so unexpected, I have a feeling his parents may have given him his marching orders.

Why would you WANT to stay in a relationship with him?
Put his bags outside and make sure he can't get back in either by deadbolt or get a locksmith in now before he gets home.

This is not how people move in, he doesn't get to decide he is living there in YOUR house without YOUR say so.

You need to get angry op, why are you not absolutely raging?

He's looking for Mummy 2.0 and he thinks he's found her.

OP, he's done this deliberately clearly. You need to assert yourself and do it NOW

a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship.

Why would you even want to stay with someone who is like this, who thinks this sort of thing is acceptable? Who would make such a fuss of you asserting your boundaries. Genuinely. Ask yourself this.

Looks like he's fallen out with his parents and has stropped off to yours, massive red flag that he isn't mature enough to explain why he's really done that.

I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship.

You know all those threads from women about being in abusive relationships? The ones where they wish they recognised red flags at the start? And where they ask why they are living with the enemy right now?

One of the reasons is feeling more comfortable with abuse than with ending a relationship. You HAVE to be happy to just say, 'no' and mean it. If the relationship ends it's because his GOAL was treating you like shit. If someone wants to treat you like shit, ending the relationship is good.

Good men like women with boundaries. They find it attractive.

I am fucking OUTRAGED on your behalf op! Who the fuck does that?!!!!

A. you haven't invited him to move in
B. Even if you had WHICH YOU HAVEN'T, HE'S SQUATTING, 'splitting the bills' does not come even close to a fair arrangement!
C: EURGH he's a gross manbaby cocklodger

Do not go along with this, it will be the beginning of the ruination of your life.

Absolutely this!

If this is really true, I'm worried about you. Why do you need to ask on Mumsnet? Why haven't you already told him to turn right round and take his bags, and his dumped arse with him? PLEASE don't give in. The police will help. Don't be a doormat, FOR GOD'S SAKE. Is this going to be a 21-page 'but I lurve him and I hate arguments' MN thread?

Please tell me that you haven't got children.

Put it in writing (text message or email) now that you don't want him moving in. Maybe even change the locks now.

Do you have a male family member who can be with you when you make him leave?

Question for you OP

If your friend had said that her new man had moved himself into her house without her agreeing to it, what would you say to her?

I am absolutely livid on uour behalf that this idiot did this.
It's totally unacceptable behaviour and not the sort of "surprise" that is acceptable.

Remember ladies if you own property or have assets (pension, savings) then before anyone moves in there needs to a legal agreement in place clearly stating

1. They have no claim over your assets
2. What expenses they are to pay and how that will increase over time
3. How any jointly purchased items will be spilt if you separate