Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

He's a CF! He's also co trolling you, he's decided what's he's doing with you and your space... that you OWN without even considering you let alone broaching the subject first and a conversation. Leave his bags by the door and when he gets back tell him it's not happening, you have a brain and a mouth and he should see you as an equal, not a soft pushover there to look after his arse
WTF did he live at his parents anyway - he sounds like one that needs chucking back in

The cheek!
How unromantic.
How unattractive.
I can say (without knowing you at all) that you deserve better... because everyone deserves better.

You said you felt: 'a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship"
A relationship that requires you to provide food and lodging (to someone not your child/incapacitated parent) is not a relationship you want!

If you wanted him in - you would need to organise the set-up first.
Is he a lodger - paying a fixed sum to have a (temporary) roof over his head?
Is he planning to somehow share ownership of your place by 'contributing' when he feels like it?

Of course you deserve your own space. He has not earned his place with you yet (and might never do so).

This sort of thing is the reason I hate the phrase “gold digger”. I’ve never met a gold digger but I have met plenty of fortune hunters - men who assume that a woman will house them and keep them (and that they’ll be pleased to do so). For some reason (probably misogyny), people use the phrase “gold digger” but not “fortune hunter”.

It’s really important to be direct (and it’s actually more polite to do so). You were taken aback that he expects to move in and you aren’t ready to do so. Yes, it might be the end of your relationship but I think it’s important to be philosophical about that.

Not all surprises are good surprises, this one comes under the category of "diabolical liberty". Pack his stuff, drop it back at his parents if you can, leave it by the front door if you can't. If that means the end of the relationship, well never mind, it leaves you free for someone who won't take you so horribly for granted.

Said it before but worth repeating; no one falls in love quicker than a man looking for somewhere to live.

Bet Mummy had thrown him out.

Get rid of him, he sounds controlling.

I know that you are shocked but you need to pull yourself together. He’s trampled all over your boundaries, not even discussed the idea with you and the most cheeky being that he thinks he can call the shots.

Send him a message right now. Tell him that YOU are not ready for this yet and that he needs to collect his things and go back to his parents. If he tries to talk you round, guilt trip you etc then you need to dump him.

If he thinks this is normal what other decisions will he make on your behalf without a discussion and your opinions.
Have you been together long? Are there kids in the household?
Sorry but I'd be sending him back to his parents he is showing you exactly who he is. If he doesn't like it and it ends the relationship be glad you had a lucky escape

As worthy a contender for an 'off you fuck, cuntychops' as I've read on Mumsnet to date.

I have a sneaking suspicion he has been booted out of parents. Probably for not paying his way. Call them and find out.

OP, you need to tell him that you were in shock when he turned up, but that you did not ask him to move in and are not yet ready for that step in your relationship. Do not let him unpack and make himself at home.

It is very telling that you were unable to stop him at that point. Is he controlling in your relationship?

If you are afraid to tell him, then enlist some support to be there when you ask him to leave.

Moving in with somebody is a huge commitment, no different to marriage, and should be discussed and agreed upon by both parties!

He also can't just move in because it's convenient for him

Freeloader alert.. I suspect his parents have had enough of him - not surprisingly! 🚩 I'd be asking him to leave!

He was t worried about you, he has shown what he thinks of you

His wife has found out about you and chucked him out….

What the fuck? I get you were shocked, but just no! Tell him to go home. Do you seriously want a relationship with someone so lacking in consideration and awareness? How absolutely bonkers!

It's a bit strange and thoughtless.

Sounds like he's trying to frame it as a nice surprise for you, but actually, he just wanted to move in without giving you the chance to say no. How he's physically present, he knows it'll be awkward for you, and maybe he hopes it will grow on you in time.

He's massively trampled on your boundaries here and it's a big red flag.

He needs to leave. You can always ask him to move in at a later date if it was a misunderstanding or an ill judged surprise or something but he needs to now show he is willing to respect your boundaries and home and remove himself and his stuff entirely. It'll be a bigger pain to get him out later and the excuses start coming.

I'd just be clear and say 'I wouldn't take this step without discussing it first so I'm going to have to ask you to move back out tonight, including your belongings '.

If he's rowed with his parents, that's not your problem, he should have asked if he could stay a few days to think about options

Well, if this is a massive slapping red flag to the face I don't know what is.

Tell him to get out op. It's not his fucking place, and you haven't even asked him!! Call the police if you have to, this is very worrying behaviour. Sod the relationship.

Tell him to leave and dump him.

This.

It's really not a good sign OP and I'd be tempted to dump someone who tried this one on me. It just shows you who they really are.

Peers over glasses at @Girlgamer .

Please think about the difference between the words ask and tell.

And if you think asking him to leave will end the relationship then go for it, he is not showing you or your home the respect you deserve. So tell him to leave. Tonight. I am pretty sure his mum will let him back in, and if not he can turn up at a friends house and demand to stay.

And keys, remember to get your keys back.

That sounds like a control thing to me. Massive red flag!

He's ''just moved in'' without asking you first, that's a first step to controlling you.

Toss him out fast and if she refuses, call the cops.

He’s stamped all over your boundaries.
Ask him to leave, his response will decide whether your relationship is good.

Big girl pants on and tell him to leave.
If your worried then have someone with you but also be finishing the relationship cos that's all you need to know moving forward.

This. It screams his attitude. He will go after your assets eventually. Still at home with parents would be a red flag for me unless he was early 20’s. He clearly wasnt at home saving a deposit if he moved in with you.

Send him packing and call the police if necessary.