Should I sent the paragraph to him?

[serenabar]

I wrote a message on my notes for my ex. I wanna send it but at the same time im scared too.. this is the message:
im scared he will leave me on delivered, or that he will tell me he is with someone else now.. but at the same time i wanted him to know this..

You probably won’t open this, just like you didn’t open the yesterday one. But I am gonna say it anyway.. I never expected that we would disappear from each other’s worlds. I never expected you would be okay with that. I never expected you would not care what I have to say to you, I never expected you would ignore me like that.
But they say men are quite simple.. “the way a man treats you is exactly how he feels about you. If he wants to talk to you, he will reach out. If he wants to see you, he will make plans with you. And if he acts like he doesn't care, then he doesn't care.”
Yes, looks like you stopped caring. I was there when you needed me, I answered all your questions and when I mentioned I was hurt too - you disappeared. Yes, you showed me once again my feelings are not valid. I am just someone from now another universe for you. You seem like you are doing just fine, like you are forgetting all about me. I wish it was that easy for me too. But then again.. this new you is not the man I fall inlove with. He would never do anything like that, he wouldn’t just delete me from his life. And that man is gone. He no longer exists and I gotta acept that. Its a new you that I don’t recognize, I just don’t know him. It hurts now but the sun will rise again.
No one can take away the person who you were when we were in love.
Not even you. That person can stay in my heart for as long as I decide.
I think he loved me.
Even when you hurt me multiple times, I still didn’t leave. I won the I love you more.
You put me in enough breakups for a lifetime. And I still wouldn’t walk away from you. Cause not for once I looked at another guy, not for once I accepted any follow request. Cause for me that will be offensive thing for my man. I’m pure and I’m loyal. When I love - I love hard. And i know cause when you want something badly you just don’t give up. Everything can be sorted. Absolutely everything. Of course if it’s wanted.
I guess I got my closure too.
No one is going to want something and let it slip away. That's not how the human heart works.

I guess I wanted him to respond, I was feeling hurt cause I was left on delivered maybe.. and I felt he is forgetting me when I saw he is having fun.. with random girls that I never heard of.. but I now feel better and I don’t have needs to text him and I really hope it will stay this way.. i have him blocked on socials, i only have whatsapp left..

If an ex sent me that, I’d run a mile.

You’re 22, it was only 3 years where you’ve been off and on (more off from what it sounds like from your posts).

It all feels really raw and painful right now but I can promise by the time you reach my age (20 years older), you’ll struggle to remember his name.

If you have to work so hard at it, it’s just not right. What you had wasn’t love - it sounds like it was a toxic mess where you both brpught put the worst in each other. Withdraw, focus on yourself and work out what is important to you. You’ll find someone who brings out the best in you (and vice versa!).

The message won’t do anything sadly. It’s cathartic for you to write it so write down everything you’re feeling but keep it in your notes.

I know you’re hoping it will make him change and come back to you but you’re 22 and have broken up a few times. It’s not meant to be! Things shouldn’t be that hard!

Youre friends are right and wrong. Not all men cheat and lie but you do need to be single right now . You need to focus on you and decide what you want in life.

No don’t do it. Head high move on. An ex contacted me for his benefit and it messed with my head. Leave the past in the past.

Im hurt cause he blames it all on me and he doesn’t realize he has fault too.. but his main reason is his mom said so and he won’t leave her never.. thats what he said..
then i blame myself.. and i thought we were bonding his mom and me and he said she was only pretending.. 😔

I was 21 when my first boyfriend dumped me out of the blue. He was brutally honest why as well (I wasn’t marriage material (for him) and he couldn’t see himself having kids with me etc). I was heartbroken but I did not chase him or beg him to come back. We were in the same friendship group so had light contact. I missed him so much.

Nearly three years later, he wanted me back. He couldn’t understand why I had never chased him or begged him to take me back all those years ago and I held all the cards when we got back together. He used to cry because he thought I would leave him. I gave no indication of this but he was very anxious.

The point is, this would not have happened if I’d chased him. Or messaged him long heartfelt paragraphs. You must retain your dignity and self respect. To this day, I’m so glad I didn’t do what my heart wanted me to do.

We’re married now by the way.

Whoaa 🥹🥹🥹 the thing is that every breakup we texted and at the beginning now we were texting as well as he was doubting his decision. So we kinda didn’t do the correct no contact..

Hi my love, I could have written this a few years ago. I’m 30 now. Please please go no contact. As PP said they come back when you’re no longer chasing.

BUT he is right in a sense you both need to heal. Obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but it sounds like you’ve had some difficult times too. Fall in love with yourself again. Learn to love life without him so if he does re-emerge you’ll be happy with or without him x

Thank you ❤️ I was enjoying the day but when I saw that story, I felt like he was forgetting me and I don’t want that to happen.. can he forget me that quickly and replace me? He was with other people before.. and for me he is all my firsts and I feel sick of the thought of someone else..

The problem is that it's delusional.

In real life you are broken up and he hasn't got in touch. In fact you messaged him yesterday and he chose not to read or respond or engage with you in any way. Rather than take this information in and processing it, rather than listening to what he is communicating through that, rather than listening to the person he actually is (which ironically is a necessary precondition for any meaningful relationship) you want to send him a 5000 word monologue that you have constructed, an excerpt from the longer imaginary conversation you are having in your head with a fictional, fantasised, romantic version of him you have constructed in your own mind. You even go so far as to acknowledge this in your message,but you are not appreciating the full implications of your own insights. You are not listening to yourself or to him but stubbornly trying to force a narrative that is not compatible with reality, which, in your own words, is that you are poorly matched and the relationship was not of a good and stable quality. It shows a lack of respect, a lack of attunment, immaturity and a dash of narcissism. And if this is someone you aspire to win back (why exactly? To be messed around and hurt?) then I would not send it because above all else it is not attractive - it shows that you are not happy or balanced

Yes, I wont send that message. I just should do the let them theory..

No as in actually drop it, not just pretending

Please don't send it. We've all been there when feeling like this but it's a total waste of time. He will feel like he's being harassed especially if you sent one yesterday. He won't even read what you've written. It will translate into a red flag for him that you are clingy and obsessed. Don't let him remember you this way. A lot of men run a mile from this kind of language (sorry to stereotype) but it's true.

Read @Smineusername 's post again. It's full of useful insights.

I understand that you are missing him and you feel desperately sad and confused. But he’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want to hear from you. I know it hurts so deep but please don’t contact him.

Please delete the message. Write another one tomorrow if you like. Put them in a diary if you want, or delete it again, just please don’t send it to him.

You are feeling loss of the relationship and the hopes for the future and grieving right now, your mind is all over the place. Acknowledge the pain, put on some sad music, have a good cry. This feels horrible right now but you are healing and it will pass.

Keep posting here if it helps. We’ll all support you. Take care of yourself. We’ve all been there, some of us many times!

You married him?! 😬

Delete his number, block it

Step away from the phone, it is not your friend

Don't send it. If I received that I would scan it for 0.5 seconds then bin it and think "dodged a bullet there".

Think of the effort you are putting into him and redirect it back to yourself.

Time, money, energy & love spent on yourself will always be a better investment than some bloke.

And this - ‘for me he is all my firsts’? There’s a line from a song that says ‘let me be the last’ and isn’t that more meaningful?

Find out who you are, what you enjoy, what you hate, what type of personalities you like to spend time with, what work engages your talents & interests, what hobbies, possessions, places give you a sense of fun, joy, peace.

Your friends are sort of right in saying stay single, at 22 you are better off finding yourself not chasing after someone else, do a lot more ‘firsts’ for you and plenty of time for a partner to help fill in the ‘lasts’

@MzHz why is this man a ‘narc’ ?

People very often love other people a lot. And then stop loving them. If you live a long enough life it will happen to you, or you will be on the receiving end of it. It’s really, really painful so it’s natural to be angry at the person who has stopped loving you and the anger is helpful because it’s part of the recovery. But people who stop loving are not bad or narcissistic. It’s just the way love works.

This. Dont do this to yourself OP - you're not someone's plaything to be kicked around and discarded when they've had enough. You're worth more than he is, he sounds a selfish abusive prick and you worshipping him will only make him worse.

My daughter is 21. I want to come over all mother now and tell you that there are two types of women. The type that isn't turned off by this shabby half-hearted neither in nor out behaviour, she subjects herself to all this analysis and picking over the carcass of the relationship for some morcel of decency.

This can lead that type, let's call her type anxious down a pointless path. Because yeh, nobody's 100% bad or 100% good so it can feel confusing.

We are like a member of a jury for a bad boyfriend with a really good defense strategy.

You need to work towards becoming type Secure. She is literally turned off by mixed messages, a lack of transparency, a lack of focus on her . Type S isn't going to play pick me when she's in a "relationship"

She knows that if a man isn't certain about her, it will bring her nothing but pain.

And she knows she deserves a happy life in or out of a relationship.

This is not to minimise the pain you clearly feel right now.

If I were you, I'd look at a few videos online and view them as therapy. Give yourself time to feel sad. Then tidy up your house or your room, go for a run and look after yourself. I recommend alain robarge who has a video about how to become secure in a relationship when you're not in a relationship. He also has a video about the risk of identifying with your pain. Your pain is not you. Your pain is passing through.

Xx

It’s important to feel your pain, to acknowledge it. I’ve been there and feel for you. It will be quite a process for you to begin to feel better.

Don’t send the letter though! It will only make him feel more justified in not being with you. He will tell himself you are nuts. It will help him move on from you.

Once someone has stopped loving you there is nothing at all you can do about it. And people are allowed to stop loving other people. At some point in your life you will stop loving someone too. Not because you’re a bad person but because that’s how love works sometimes. Being a stable adult means accepting that people will do things you don’t like, but that you can feel the pain and eventually accept it. You cannot force them to change.

Take care of yourself. Don’t shrug off your feelings but understand that with 💯 certainty they will fade and you will be really glad you did not send the letter!

Block him everywhere. Block him on WhatsApp and delete his number. Tell friends to not send you his story or any updates.

A clean break is best, even if it doesn't feel that way. Atm you're like an addict , deluding themselves they're in control and just a bit won't hurt. It will. Repeatedly.

But my friend said I can only text Im going three months no contact, should I do that or nothing at all is better?